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Hokay, this story is long and convoluted, but I'll do my best to be as brief as I can. It starts with my husband, who I'll refer to as H from now on. H and I have been together for about twenty years, but for the last ten of those years, our relationship has been pretty much dead. He's been known to refer to me as his roommate, there's no affection between us, we've not had sex in over two years, we share very little in common, etc.
So two years ago, I decided I wanted a divorce. Problem is, H is an incredibly depressed person, and he's talked about suicide before. In fact, the night I decided on the divorce, and told him that, he talked about killing himself. He blamed himself for our failed relationship because that's what he does--always blames himself for absolutely anything that goes wrong.
And just so you know, over the years, I've tried everything I could think to fix our marriage. I've tried to get him into counseling, either indivudual or marriage, but he won't go. I've tried to go to counseling myself for advice on this situation, but the thought of spending money on a therapist makes him angry, so I don't go. I've tried being sympathetic, and giving him what advice I could, and I've even tried to get him interested in different hobbies just because he has no real interests of his own. But he's so afraid of failure that he won't try new things.
Back to that night two years ago when he threatened suicide over divorce. I let it go because I didn't know what else to do. Lied to him and said I'd stay with him, basically. But the truth was, I never stopped wanting that divorce. So I decided that I was going to spend the next three or four years doing everything I could to make it happen. We'd bought a house which has to be remodeled before we can sell it because as it is now, with some rooms not finished, it can't be sold, so I've been working on that. And I need to make more money to live on my own, so that's been a recent effort of mine over the last couple of months, to build up my income.
And here's the part I hate to admit. Makes me feel like a horrible person. But I've been trying to make him hate me. I feel like if H decides he wants a divorce, maybe he'll blame me instead of himself for how things worked out? And if he blames me, he's less likely to take the suicide route? So I've been cold and distant, and I freely pursue all of my interests, which makes him extremely jealous since he has no passions.
In the midst of all of this, I fell in love with a guy online, who we'll call OG. I completely didn't mean to, and I feel dumb for letting this happen while I'm still married, plus there is the crushing guilt of knowing that I'm officially a cheating wife now. OG and I have been friends over a mutual interest for about a year now. About eight months ago, friendship turned to mild flirting, which turned into lots of flirting, and from there, we discovered we have almost everything in common, and things got seriously intense. He told me that I was the kind of person he'd been looking for in a mate, and that he'd flirted even knowing I was married because he couldn't shake that "what if" feeling that I might be the one. Said he felt like scum for flirting with a married woman, and we've since backed off the heavy stuff, keeping it more to friendship, but... I don't know, every day I want him even more.
In the meantime, I'm just so tired of all of this. There are days when I bite my tongue to keep from shouting at H that I want a divorce. And the guilt over my dishonesty and manipulation, the tension in this house, the fact that he fights me over remodeling, and money, and all the other things we fight about--it's getting to be too much. I seriously feel like I'm being held hostage sometimes.
What I really want to do is tell H I want that divorce on the hope that after he screams and shouts for a while, he'll calm down and be reasonable. Then we can discuss how to split up like adults, work on separating our finances and getting the house ready for sale, maybe I can get him to lean on his family more for support, etc.
But I don't do that because I'm afraid. I think there's a reasonable chance that he'll freak out completely, destroy half the house in a rage, then throw me out, which will leave me homeless since I have no family to rely on and not quite enough money to get an apartment yet.
And now that you've made it to the end! Thanks for reading, seriously--I know it's a lot. I guess what I'm looking for is...perspective/advice? Are there avenues I've not pursued? At this point, moral support is welcome, too. I've been over the whole situation so many times that I feel like I'm losing my mind.