Martyr Member Profile

...See more I'm not sure where to begin with my depression. I mean, I know what trigger it originally. Well, I guess that's a good start as any. Recently, I've broken with my eight-year relationship. In some ways, I'm quite proud of it. Then a lot of ways, I'm ashamed of it. I don't hate my ex, I hope she's doing well and becoming healthy... So why am I ashamed of it? It was an online relationship with a 9hr distance between us. The girl had a lot of mental issues and I've always figure "If I love her, I will work it out with her and get through it." So, despite her constantly pushing and canceling the meeting point, I always assure myself it because of her brain chemical unbalance. However, eight years my patients ran out. I feel guilty and disgusted with myself for calling it off. For the last year, she gone distance and made it hard for me to stay contact with her while I made efforts to stay in contact. Then, after the last meeting she jumped around, I gave up. I couldnt get her to pick up the phone, I couldn't get her to come online to talk it out. I had to send an offline message to her and that was it. There's never been a proper talk, or contact. I don't even know if she stayed offline mode and just decided not to respond to it. For all I know, she thinks I hate her or something. It's been five months since then. ._. For the longest time, she used to be my outlet and help me get motivated. Now she's gone, there's nothing for me to get over it. I feel...unloved? I yearn for the unconditional love that no matter how broken I look at myself, there's someone right there by being with me proving me wrong. Well, I suck at irl interaction. I don't go anywhere besides my career to meet new people. Even then, I don't meet anyone. Online dating sites? No luck there. I tried courting one girl who is a lot similar like me. Gaming, life outlook, complaints, interests, personality, and she's quite attractive, lol. I'm the type who shut himself down before even trying so i was slowly working the nerve. As i was about to grow balls, her depression hits her. She's not the type to talk about it...Completely close all talking with me for a while. Then, she started to cheer up I guess, and I found out she's interested in someone else. Only response I can give is that heart crushing "Oh..." and supportive of her. I can't force her to be with me and I'm not someone whose only value their friendship if I can sleep with them only. So, moving on. The next girl is someone who about the same distance as my ex. Uh, she's overall pretty cool. She once said "if you ever in the area, should go on a date". Heck yeah, right? Well, she was drunk, very very drunk when she said that. The subject never came back up and honestly, it always me who starts the conversation. Pretty sure it's another one sided deal. From there, no one else in the love life. Moving on my depression and sad excuse of a life. In my career, I am struggling. I'm a pro wrestler in the indies. I can't get anywhere, at all. Like, no story lines, no belts, no nothing. Normally, you shouldn't keep a track of your record, because it all predetermine so who cares. Well, when you can't go anywhere and notice not being used for anything. It's easy to realize you've only one once in the entire year. No matter how often i train, no matter how much i work out. I can't go anywhere and I've lost a lot of motivations. The only other reason to even bother stay in shape so maybe it impress someone to like me a little, sad I know. Other passions? I don't have any interest anywhere, to be honest. I'm working on back up plans because wrestling world doesn't want me. However, I don't enjoy any of my back up plans. They're just...plans to stay a float. Other than that, eh. I don't have any education, but I'm working on my GED. I live with my grandmother and I'm 26. I can't pay the bill i owe her because my job barely give me any hours. So, i'm just this leech free loiter. I don't even have a bedroom to sleep in, but a storage room with a bed. Despite being at my age, I'm losing the hair on my head. I'm even growing some grey hair in my beard. My body is a bit flabby and no matter how much I work out. I get called fat or just being too small. I only have a few handfuls of friends IRL, but none of them I am close to. Online friends, couple. None of them I feel close with or able to understand me fully. There you have it, my sad excuse life. I can't move in my career, because wrestling doesn't want me. Force to live with my grandmother as a leacher, and she doesn't want me around. No woman around wants to be with me and not even online. I'm not even smart, the system proves that too. I'm just a lump of meat and a burden to everything.

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