Too many negatives and not enough positives. Conclusion, I'm a negative.
I'm not sure where to begin with my depression. I mean, I know what trigger it originally. Well, I guess that's a good start as any. Recently, I've broken with my eight-year relationship. In some ways, I'm quite proud of it. Then a lot of ways, I'm ashamed of it. I don't hate my ex, I hope she's doing well and becoming healthy... So why am I ashamed of it? It was an online relationship with a 9hr distance between us. The girl had a lot of mental issues and I've always figure "If I love her, I will work it out with her and get through it." So, despite her constantly pushing and canceling the meeting point, I always assure myself it because of her brain chemical unbalance. However, eight years my patients ran out. I feel guilty and disgusted with myself for calling it off. For the last year, she gone distance and made it hard for me to stay contact with her while I made efforts to stay in contact. Then, after the last meeting she jumped around, I gave up. I couldnt get her to pick up the phone, I couldn't get her to come online to talk it out. I had to send an offline message to her and that was it. There's never been a proper talk, or contact. I don't even know if she stayed offline mode and just decided not to respond to it. For all I know, she thinks I hate her or something. It's been five months since then. ._. For the longest time, she used to be my outlet and help me get motivated. Now she's gone, there's nothing for me to get over it. I feel...unloved? I yearn for the unconditional love that no matter how broken I look at myself, there's someone right there by being with me proving me wrong. Well, I suck at irl interaction. I don't go anywhere besides my career to meet new people. Even then, I don't meet anyone.
Online dating sites? No luck there. I tried courting one girl who is a lot similar like me. Gaming, life outlook, complaints, interests, personality, and she's quite attractive, lol. I'm the type who shut himself down before even trying so i was slowly working the nerve. As i was about to grow balls, her depression hits her. She's not the type to talk about it...Completely close all talking with me for a while. Then, she started to cheer up I guess, and I found out she's interested in someone else. Only response I can give is that heart crushing "Oh..." and supportive of her. I can't force her to be with me and I'm not someone whose only value their friendship if I can sleep with them only.
So, moving on. The next girl is someone who about the same distance as my ex. Uh, she's overall pretty cool. She once said "if you ever in the area, should go on a date". Heck yeah, right? Well, she was drunk, very very drunk when she said that. The subject never came back up and honestly, it always me who starts the conversation. Pretty sure it's another one sided deal. From there, no one else in the love life.
Moving on my depression and sad excuse of a life. In my career, I am struggling. I'm a pro wrestler in the indies. I can't get anywhere, at all. Like, no story lines, no belts, no nothing. Normally, you shouldn't keep a track of your record, because it all predetermine so who cares. Well, when you can't go anywhere and notice not being used for anything. It's easy to realize you've only one once in the entire year. No matter how often i train, no matter how much i work out. I can't go anywhere and I've lost a lot of motivations. The only other reason to even bother stay in shape so maybe it impress someone to like me a little, sad I know.
Other passions? I don't have any interest anywhere, to be honest. I'm working on back up plans because wrestling world doesn't want me. However, I don't enjoy any of my back up plans. They're just...plans to stay a float. Other than that, eh.
I don't have any education, but I'm working on my GED. I live with my grandmother and I'm 26. I can't pay the bill i owe her because my job barely give me any hours. So, i'm just this leech free loiter. I don't even have a bedroom to sleep in, but a storage room with a bed. Despite being at my age, I'm losing the hair on my head. I'm even growing some grey hair in my beard. My body is a bit flabby and no matter how much I work out. I get called fat or just being too small.
I only have a few handfuls of friends IRL, but none of them I am close to. Online friends, couple. None of them I feel close with or able to understand me fully.
There you have it, my sad excuse life. I can't move in my career, because wrestling doesn't want me. Force to live with my grandmother as a leacher, and she doesn't want me around. No woman around wants to be with me and not even online. I'm not even smart, the system proves that too. I'm just a lump of meat and a burden to everything.
@Martyr, firstly let me thank you for sharing your story with us. I recognize that it took bravery to be so honest. It couldn't be easy.
You are overwhelmed with your bad experiences. You are hurt and emotionally wounded. You feel lonely and hopeless, thinking you'll never get loving support again. You just are so hard on yourself, in times when you need all of the gentleness and kindness to help you recover. Even the choice of your username shows your feelings of utter despair. I think you believe that this pain will never change, despite the fact that in your past you have a good, happy memories.
It's so difficult to fight. It's so easy to stop. But you're worth this fight. You deserve a life without this pain and despair. You deserve the love, just like others deserve it, too. Even if you're brain tells you otherwise, you are more than your struggle. You have depression and it makes everything even more difficult, with the experiences already painful. But you need to remember you are more than a medical label. You are worth moving on. You are worth a life without this suffering. You are you, wonderful, unique you. If someone decided to live with you in their life, it's their choice. Sometimes as painful as it is you have to move on, because you deserve someone who will not abandon you.
I really believe you can do something about your situation. Something which will bring you a moment of peace if nothing else. You don't have to change your whole life, just start on a tiny, little scale. It really doesn't have to be groundbreaking. Don't think of building a temple, just lay bricks, lovely. Have you tried chatting 1-on-1 with a listener? I also recommend to you checking the relationship support forum, if you haven't already - there are many others who are dealing with similar struggle. (It's the case of simple statistics that right now or during the centuries of risings and falls of civilizations, there is someone who feels the same way as you do).
May I ask how are you feeling lately? There already passed some time since you wrote this post and I really hope you feel a bit better. Know that I and many in this community is here for you - even if only virtually, our support is valid. Wish you all the best, lovely!
@Celaeno
Guess I'll do an update... I've been doing 1on1 with a listener in hopes of finding something. However, I've found very little to nothing at all that gives me any hope.
I've tried taking my life on new years eve. I was on the crisis hotline and they call the police. I was in the emergency room for a few hours before they let go. They of course recommended me therapy and go to a certain location. I went four weeks and in each of those weeks was just paperwork. They said they call me and set up an appointment. It never happen or i"m simply waiting still? The entire experience of that building was negative and felt like they didn't give a damn one way or another.
I tried getting hold of my ex, but she refuse
@Martyr, sorry for not responding earlier - I was on the hiatus and only now returned. I'm glad that you decided to write an update on your situation, even though I am sure that it somewhat changed since you've posted.
Hope is not an easy thing to find, I am fully aware of that. And it's more of the aftermath of experiences, so in the darkest depressive episodes I'm trying to rely mostly on my own stuborness and perseverance. And hope will follow. After living through so many years and overcoming so many hardships, it is only the greatest sign of our ability to keep going and not giving in to our illness.
I recognize how much courage it took you to admit to the suicidal ideation. I'm grateful that in this bleak moment you decided to use a crisis hotline - sometime ago they saved me, too. You were, are and always will be strong for surviving this night, no matter what will follow. It's a shame that you didn't receive a proper care afterwards and meet only neglect.
I don't know situation with your ex, but it's even more important that you will keep on turning to 7 Cups community for the way of finding help and connecting with other strugglers. There are many different listeners here who are willing to listen to you, and members who will support you along your fight. We can help with finding better therapy centers and come up with ideas how to survive each day. You are not alone in this despair, because it is not caused by you in any way - it's a disorder and those dark thoughts and numbness are medical symptoms, not traits of your personality or existence.
I hope to hear from you soon, lovely. Let me know how have you been feeling. Lots of best wishes!
*hugs tightly*
@Martyr
There are so many reasons why negative thoughts have a big impact on your success. Sometimes you think you are lack of things that you need in your everyday life or you are doing things in the wrong way thats why you are down. Dream big! Because every Thought we think is creating our Future.
Late update here, I found someone and it was good for a year or so. However, it went onto 2.5 years. I say however because, for a while, I kept ignoring the red flags. In wanting everything to be fine, I put on red sunglasses and just saw flags. Well, for my own happiness and knowing it wasn't going anywhere, I broke it off. I'm doing much better than when I originally made this thread, mentally. I'm just in the middle of heartache from the breakup but I feel like I am fine. I'm around here again to talk it out to help get over it and help others who are going through their own issues.
