MattV Member Profile

...See more Hey, this might be a bit longer message. I shouldn't be too worried about it, but I am. I can't get it out of my head. No matter what I do.. Feel free to read it and let me know your opinion about it, or even help me vent it all out, if possible :) TUESDAY 9TH JUNE: So I've had a crush on my classmate for 5 years now. I'm one year away from graduating. I didn't have the courage to do anything, until now. We attended a few proms of some graduates before, I even invited her to a drink, danced with her and such. We used to spend quite some time last year. I had fun with her, it was seriously great! She seemed to have fun too. One day when I was a bit drunk, I asked her to either go cycling with me or to play League Of Legends with me. She isn't too good at gaming, in fact, she never played a video game on the computer. I realised I might have done a mistake after I got sober. However, when I noticed what she replied I was so happy. She said she can give League a try. So we played. The first time we played together she wasn't good at it, but that isn't the point at all. The point is that she even agreed(which made me surprised, considering I was drunk typing the question lol). We were laughing the entire time, we sometimes said something pretty courageous and risky to each other… I also tried to include me having issues with maths(which is true), because she is good at it, so maybe she could help me. She said no :( but I understood why, it's not that easy to help me with that. We had fun though! It went like this for approximately 3 hours, and then, a week later, I asked if we could do it again. So we did. Literally the second sentence after saying hi, she said this: "Look, I'm sorry about saying no to maths last time. I definitely didn't want to sound mean or anything. Sooo if you want I could try to explain it to you as we go to school on 10th June, I'll try my best to help you." Isn't this a bit weird to say as the second sentence after saying hi? It gave me a sign that she probably thought about our last conversation/game. Anyway, that isn't the point. The point is that I asked her at the end of our "League date" whether she's having fun, whether she wants to play again next time or not. She replied this incredible sentence which blew my mind and made me feel like being injected with an adrenaline shot or something: "Well, not gonna lie, I had a bit of fun, but I'd rather go outside next time. Honestly, I used this as an opportunity to talk with you more, because we don't really talk together at school because of our classmates(she's very shy, and I kind of am as well. Besides, our classmates always take this too seriously.. It's pretty complicated), and I know that you like to occasionally play videogames…" so I immediately agreed to go outside sometimes. Then it ended with us agreeing to talk further at school about this. Aaand we'll go to school tomorrow and I have no idea what to do, how to talk to her :D I don't wanna mess this up.. WEDNESDAY 10TH JUNE : I had to get to school by bike because there wasnt any bus that could take me there. Once I arrived, I noticed she was already sitting in a corner. We have to sit separately, max. 15 people in a classroom. She sat in the very corner of the room, and all of the places around her were taken. It was advantageous for me though, because I could get to her and no one was really watching. I came to her after the first out of two lessons. I could go there easily thanks to some of my classmates who "complicate things" went to the hallway, so I had the opportunity to 'strike'. I said the casual "hi, how did you enjoy this lesson? what do you think about it? Is it better than before covid was a thing?" And we had a small talk then. However, she noticed me shaking so much, just because I was so nervous. God, she must have felt so strange. She was smiling nicely though, asked me "why are you shaking?" and I replied hesitantly "well I'm kind of nervous because of the biology lesson that we're about to have, I'll be screwed if he happens to test our knowledge after those online lessons..." And I think she might have believed it, or at least didn't look too suspiciously. At the end of the biology lesson it was the end of our school time, so I came to her and asked her where she's headed, and she said she was going to bus stop to go home. I asked her if we could go together, she agreed. The best thing about this was that she could initiate a conversation herself, which is a very important factor. We both managed to keep it casual, but she was mostly smiling whenever she told me anything, which was positive I guess? I so wanted to hug her, but I didn't do so. I thought it was way too soon. I thought maybe I could try doing the same thing tomorrow, and then perhaps ask her out, since we talked about this together before, that we'll talk about it at school… THURSDAY 11TH JUNE: It all got pretty complicated because yesterday my grandpa went to the hospital, and I was kind of sad because of it, so I thought I could tell her.. and she seemed alright with it, she only said "I'm sorry about that". Buuuuut what's important is that we hugged at the end! Maybe it was a pity hug, who knows. But what's important is that we hugged(and she initiated it). I'm kind of afraid I might have been too forward, but I really want to text her that I'm sorry if I'm annoying her with walking with her to the bus, so I could perhaps start a convo with her. Because I want to do something before I try to invite her for that lunch/dinner tomorrow FRIDAY 12TH JUNE: I got a bit mad at myself, because I couldn't fall asleep at night. I mean it, I didn't sleep at all! Not a single minute of sleep. Soooo I went out of the bed at like 7:40am, and I immediately felt so tired. Maybe even exhausted, I felt like I was about to pass out or something. I couldn't handle it, so I laid into the bed again. And as it happens, I fell asleep. I had a timer set for 10:20(the school started at 11:40), but I just turned the alarm clock off and I fell asleep again immediately. And I woke up at 12:20, which was already a bit too late, especially because I wasn't ready to go to school at all. I feel like I missed my opportunity, because one of my classmates told me that she was all by herself, waiting at the bus for 20 minutes. Without meeeeeee I'm a bit disappointed about myself... but whatever. I can't change that anymore. I'm thinking about sending her a message today and inviting her to have some coffee or something after the school(although on Monday the school will start at 8:00 and will end at 10:30. Which might be just in time for a coffee? I dont know reallof course followed with some conversation before hand, like why wasnt I at school how did she enjoy it and such. Actually, nevermind. I'll wait for Monday to see her in person again.. MONDAY 15TH JUNE:Alright, so I came back from school :D and wow.. Just wow. At like 2-3 am I had a bad dream. No, not a bad dream- a nightmare. In this nighmare I got rejected by her. Not only rejected, but also I got shouted at, she was actually very mean at me. I remember I was also brought to tears, I was so close to lose it all in the dream. When I woke up I was actually in tears, and I was so glad it was just a very bad dream. It filled me with doubt about my upcoming "performance", but I decided to try my best. So I got to school, and as soon as I locked my bike, I saw her with one of our gay classmates. I said hi to them and she immediately went a few steps in front of us- she basically let us talk together(although I wished to talk to her instead, but she kind of didn't let me do so at that moment). It felt a bit strange, abandoning her gay friend and instead walking alone to school because of me.. Once we got to our locker rooms we started a small talk together. We both kept it casual, nothing out of the ordinary. After the 2 lessons at school I walked with her to the bus again. I really wanted to ask her out.. But her bus arrived way too soon :D I hesitated, I seemed nervous. She mentioned it, but this time i had no excuse so I had to go for the "I'm just sad to see you go.." and she looked at me in a strange way.. Yeah im bad at this, I dont know whether it was positive or negative :D but I hugged her once the bus arrived, but this time we hugged for at least 5 seconds. It started getting really weird. We got really really close to each other this time.. I don't know where else can this go, if anywhere. I feel like I messed up with the hug today. It was way too tight and too prolonged I would say.. Maybe like a forced one. And I definitely don't want that. TUESDAY 16TH JUNE: Everything was basically the same like the last days. Except for an unfortunate turn of events. I spent the two lessons at school kind of normally, I just sat there until the end of it. At the end of it all I walked up to her again, and I asked her if I could go with the bus with her again. I'll confess, I took a look at the busses whether it will be the same today. And a bummer, it wasn't. Her bus didn't arrive at all, but we still came to the bus stop. When she found out there's no bus to be found(the next one would arrive in the next hour, or there was another alternative- a trolley. A trolley that was like 10-15 minutes of walking away from the bus stop we were at. I curiously asked her if I could go with her, but she said "Nah, that's good..". Soo yeah :) I can think of a few reasons why- either she disliked the hug on Monday, or she was too shy to let me go with her that far, or she didn't want to take too much of my time, or she just wanted to have a break for a few days(which is understandable, considering I spent so much time with her lately). It'll be hard for me to stop thinking about it, because it frustrates me. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like she found out that I love her, but obviously it's an unrequited love…

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

Hi, my name is Melissa and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. I hope...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio