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MissBeehive1963
1,319 M Little Steps 4
PathStep 31 Compassion hearts33 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2021 Member sinceMay 16, 2018
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I'm "fine", but it terrifies me loosing my mental health again
Trauma Support / by MissBeehive1963
Last post
 July 27th, 2019
...See more So I attempted suicide a year ago. And after that all good, lots of tears, lots of hugs, therapy, meds and a sort of closure. I survived and I'm sure at some point I was grateful I did, but... Something is just not right. I am not actively planning a suicide like I was just last year. But there's this deep feeling now and then of wondering what could I have done to "succeed" in my attempt. I was close. And I wouldn't be here... Idk, I kinda want to not be here. But the main problem it's how afraid, terrified I am of feeling like I felt a year ago. I was f dead inside, burned out, numb, turning school work in blank, not eating for days. And as soon as I feel myself get a little depressed I freak out by the thought of going back to that mental state. I've always been very active. I took a rest from work and focused just in university for half a year but when I try to take my activities back and feel a little bit of stress I just melt. Burnout took me to the edge and I feel like I have no idea how to live normally after that. I cannot live this way, I plan to take back on therapy soon... But I just feel so lonely and ashamed. It's like a failed on recovery. I was supposed to be fine now, I took my meds and did my part to be healthy but I still struggle to be simple okay. Anyway... I could really use some kind words. I don't feel like telling anyone I'm going back to therapy cuz I just feel crazy misunderstood. Thanks a lot if anyone reads this.
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