I'm "fine", but it terrifies me loosing my mental health again
So I attempted suicide a year ago. And after that all good, lots of tears, lots of hugs, therapy, meds and a sort of closure. I survived and I'm sure at some point I was grateful I did, but... Something is just not right.
I am not actively planning a suicide like I was just last year. But there's this deep feeling now and then of wondering what could I have done to "succeed" in my attempt. I was close. And I wouldn't be here... Idk, I kinda want to not be here.
But the main problem it's how afraid, terrified I am of feeling like I felt a year ago. I was f dead inside, burned out, numb, turning school work in blank, not eating for days. And as soon as I feel myself get a little depressed I freak out by the thought of going back to that mental state.
I've always been very active. I took a rest from work and focused just in university for half a year but when I try to take my activities back and feel a little bit of stress I just melt. Burnout took me to the edge and I feel like I have no idea how to live normally after that.
I cannot live this way, I plan to take back on therapy soon... But I just feel so lonely and ashamed. It's like a failed on recovery. I was supposed to be fine now, I took my meds and did my part to be healthy but I still struggle to be simple okay.
Anyway... I could really use some kind words. I don't feel like telling anyone I'm going back to therapy cuz I just feel crazy misunderstood. Thanks a lot if anyone reads this.
@MissBeehive1963
Hello. I'm proud of you for sharing your story here. That takes a lot of courage to do. Even I lack the courage to do such a feat. I think the thing about recovery is it's a process that takes a lifetime. It's more about managing your symptoms than making them disappear entirely. The result should be not a "cure" but a way to manage with these symptoms in your day to day life. You may feel better, it may burry itself deep inside of you for awhile. Just because it sleeps, doesn't mean the beast'll never rise again. So you should be aware that to manage your illness is a life worth of success in itself. I hope you continue to make big steps towards improvement once you've resumed your therapy. Don't be ashamed, just keep your head held up high. You're going to be okay.