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(Already asked some listeners about this situation, but I need all the help I can get x))
I just turned 20 years old, I’ve always felt like I had the answer to every situation. Except for now.
Since 8 months I’ve been in a relationship with my 22 year old boyfriend. I learned from previous hurtful, ‘got cheated on’ relationships it’s really important for me to actually look for qualities in a person and seeing if those qualities match up with mine, instead of just thinking “Oh, we get along perfectly, let's just date.” He has everything I ever wanted. I feel physically attracted to him, he's a great communicator, dramafree, a very lowkey person, ... I could go on about this guy. One of my absolute dealbreakers is guys being very active on social media, following other (very provocative) women like OnlyFans models, pornstars, ... Liking everything on *** and ***. Maybe you can already guess where this is going...
Now, before we got into a relationship I made sure that he didn't do all of this stuff, which was in fact the case at the beginning (or I probably just didn't notice it back then), considering all of the other guys I've been with (2 "serious" ones before) did do this stuff. Back then I tried to get over it, become more confident, do all of this stupid stuff to just forget about the fact that they were doing it... But the thing is, I couldn't get over stuff like that. I'm the most confident person I know, I absolutely adore myself, but as soon as I'm with someone, that just completely changes. I get so jealous over the women they look at, but mainly online, not so much in real life. Maybe because I actually feel more threatened by women online, considering most of the time they look gorgeous, almost perfect (be it fake or not, they still look like that online). While in real life, usually I'm the girl who gets told she's pretty, so I guess I just don't feel as threatened by "real" girls.
I know the whole entire "One woman's beauty doesn't take away yours", all that stuff, I've heard it all, but as I mentioned before... As soon as I'm with a guy I just forget all of that.
Back to the present. 2 weeks ago I decided to snoop around in his phone without him knowing. I know this is usually not the right thing to do, but considering I got hurt before I felt like I was justifying the situation. Also, I literally could've asked if I could see his phone and he would have given it without any hesitation so it wouldn't have been a problem anyway. However, this is not what this whole entire thing is about.
I snooped around in his phone before and never found anything, which made me trust him 100%. But now I went on his *** account (I guess something in me just knew it was too good to be true), and looked at his Watch History and liked TikToks. And yep, I knew what I was about to see (ignorance is bliss and all that),... There were TikToks of provocative half-naked women doing all sorts of stuff. Showing off their bodies, dancing provocatively, ... You're on ***, we all are, you know the kind of stuff I'm talking about. Just typing this makes me feel my heart sink in my stomach back again and it's already been 2 weeks ago.
I really thought he wouldn't do anything like that, but I've proved myself countless times in the past (and now again) "Even if you think they won't, they will." So ofcourse I felt like crap about it. He got off from work, noticed I was acting weird, and confronted me about it the next day. I didn't know the right way to say it, so I just said stupid stuff like "No, I'm alright, everything's fine." Anyway, days later I still feel bad, so he sat me down and asked me if we could talk about it. I told him I saw what he had been watching and liking on ***. I told him I really hadn't expected that from him. Without me asking he deleted his *** account, and also asked me if he had to delete any other socials. I told him he doesn't even have to do that, but he really wanted to because he kept telling me I'm the most important thing to him. I asked him why wanted to watch those TikToks, and why he liked that stuff. He told me it had absolutely nothing to do with me or our relationship, that he's the happiest he's ever been, but he liked that stuff because the algorithm would pick up on it and show him more things like that.
I asked him why he would want to see more stuff like that but he couldn't give me an answer. I told him it's okay to think other women are attractive, but you can't give attention to them by liking their stuff, following them, ... That's where my boundaries are. Also actively looking at "those kind" of videos were off limits to me.
So he's refraining from any form of social media now (not in the extreme but more in general) because he told me he just spends too much unproductive time on it, and it's just not healthy. He also mentioned how he has slowly stopped watching porn, since that was an addiction for him. I don't know if this is relevant to the situation, but I just think it's odd how he absolutely has to look at that stuff unless I ask him not to...
Now, most people may think "Well, he apologized, said he was wrong about it, and changed his ways for you to make you happy. Shouldn't you be content?" Yeah, I guess, but I can't shake my mind off this situation.
The thing that's bugging me is, how can you genuinely love someone and actively look at other women and their content like that? I've told him "Whenever I see a cute guy on my FYP, sometimes I accidentally like it just because I think he's cute. But I've had many occasions where I would immediately unlike it because I feel bad for you and wouldn't want you doing the same thing." He told me we basically had the same thinking pattern, but the guys I stumble across are just normal, cute guys explaining the most normal things on *** while the content he "stumbles upon" is basically soft porn. In my opinion it's definitely not the same thinking pattern.
I can't fathom how he would have the mentality of actively liking stuff like that (especially so he would end up seeing more of it), and then saying he genuinely loves me? I know he's a guy and all of that, but still? I truly believe that he thought he wasn't doing anything wrong, he told me, but how can you think that while being in a loving relationship with someone? I can't wrap my head around it. Ever since the incident I just can't look at him the same way. Every time we give eachother affection it just doesn't mean crap anymore to me because now it feels like he's just like the other guys I've dated even though he's so loyal to me. I don't want to blame him for anything, he's wonderful, but I physically can't feel good about giving someone affection or my 100% love if I know they're looking after the stuff I mentioned before.
I'm trying to stay away for a bit and focus more on myself right now, I've told him about it. He's super supportive but the longer I stay away, the harder it seems for me to return to him. Usually people find it hard to leave their relationship, but I just can't make myself seem to stay. Something in my brain has just switched and made him seem like this villain.
Because of stuff like this I tend to really have an issue with men in general sometimes. I often catch myself generalizing him with this "group" of men that I dislike, even though he doesn't deserve it. I just can't trust anything.
Every day I think back about that incident, I can't let it go. I can't understand the fact that I just know out of my own I shouldn't like and follow and actively look at stuff like that, but... I had to tell him first that it's wrong (in my eyes). He didn't know it from himself, I had to tell him first. Isn't it messed up that he genuinely thought stuff like that was okay?
I really don't know what to do. Is it weird that he had a mentality like that? Should I be scared for any other behaviours he might have that he genuinely thinks are okay? Am I freaking out too much? Should I stay even though I can't look at him the same way anymore? I really want this relationship to work, everything else has been going so great. I'm just so much in my head all the time. Should I leave?
I don't care if he watches porn, or looks at other women who he finds attractive, we're all human and get stuff like that shoved in our faces. I just don't get how you could want to see more of THAT kind of stuff on such an open social media platform... Porn is just watching it in your private time, alone, ... But social media, ***, is a very public and open thing. Everything about it just feels wrong to me. Everytime I see an attractive girl on *** now I just feel bad because I think of the fact that he could be watching her TikToks as well, thinking she's hot, liking everything, ... I would never have any issues like that if I were alone, so what's wrong? Am I self-sabotaging?
Everyone has their flaws and every relationship will have something wrong with it. I just can’t figure out anymore which things should make me leave, or if I’m in my head way too much.
