Boyfriend looks at provocative women online
(Already asked some listeners about this situation, but I need all the help I can get x))
I just turned 20 years old, I’ve always felt like I had the answer to every situation. Except for now.
Since 8 months I’ve been in a relationship with my 22 year old boyfriend. I learned from previous hurtful, ‘got cheated on’ relationships it’s really important for me to actually look for qualities in a person and seeing if those qualities match up with mine, instead of just thinking “Oh, we get along perfectly, let's just date.” He has everything I ever wanted. I feel physically attracted to him, he's a great communicator, dramafree, a very lowkey person, ... I could go on about this guy. One of my absolute dealbreakers is guys being very active on social media, following other (very provocative) women like OnlyFans models, pornstars, ... Liking everything on *** and ***. Maybe you can already guess where this is going...
Now, before we got into a relationship I made sure that he didn't do all of this stuff, which was in fact the case at the beginning (or I probably just didn't notice it back then), considering all of the other guys I've been with (2 "serious" ones before) did do this stuff. Back then I tried to get over it, become more confident, do all of this stupid stuff to just forget about the fact that they were doing it... But the thing is, I couldn't get over stuff like that. I'm the most confident person I know, I absolutely adore myself, but as soon as I'm with someone, that just completely changes. I get so jealous over the women they look at, but mainly online, not so much in real life. Maybe because I actually feel more threatened by women online, considering most of the time they look gorgeous, almost perfect (be it fake or not, they still look like that online). While in real life, usually I'm the girl who gets told she's pretty, so I guess I just don't feel as threatened by "real" girls.
I know the whole entire "One woman's beauty doesn't take away yours", all that stuff, I've heard it all, but as I mentioned before... As soon as I'm with a guy I just forget all of that.
Back to the present. 2 weeks ago I decided to snoop around in his phone without him knowing. I know this is usually not the right thing to do, but considering I got hurt before I felt like I was justifying the situation. Also, I literally could've asked if I could see his phone and he would have given it without any hesitation so it wouldn't have been a problem anyway. However, this is not what this whole entire thing is about.
I snooped around in his phone before and never found anything, which made me trust him 100%. But now I went on his *** account (I guess something in me just knew it was too good to be true), and looked at his Watch History and liked TikToks. And yep, I knew what I was about to see (ignorance is bliss and all that),... There were TikToks of provocative half-naked women doing all sorts of stuff. Showing off their bodies, dancing provocatively, ... You're on ***, we all are, you know the kind of stuff I'm talking about. Just typing this makes me feel my heart sink in my stomach back again and it's already been 2 weeks ago.
I really thought he wouldn't do anything like that, but I've proved myself countless times in the past (and now again) "Even if you think they won't, they will." So ofcourse I felt like crap about it. He got off from work, noticed I was acting weird, and confronted me about it the next day. I didn't know the right way to say it, so I just said stupid stuff like "No, I'm alright, everything's fine." Anyway, days later I still feel bad, so he sat me down and asked me if we could talk about it. I told him I saw what he had been watching and liking on ***. I told him I really hadn't expected that from him. Without me asking he deleted his *** account, and also asked me if he had to delete any other socials. I told him he doesn't even have to do that, but he really wanted to because he kept telling me I'm the most important thing to him. I asked him why wanted to watch those TikToks, and why he liked that stuff. He told me it had absolutely nothing to do with me or our relationship, that he's the happiest he's ever been, but he liked that stuff because the algorithm would pick up on it and show him more things like that.
I asked him why he would want to see more stuff like that but he couldn't give me an answer. I told him it's okay to think other women are attractive, but you can't give attention to them by liking their stuff, following them, ... That's where my boundaries are. Also actively looking at "those kind" of videos were off limits to me.
So he's refraining from any form of social media now (not in the extreme but more in general) because he told me he just spends too much unproductive time on it, and it's just not healthy. He also mentioned how he has slowly stopped watching porn, since that was an addiction for him. I don't know if this is relevant to the situation, but I just think it's odd how he absolutely has to look at that stuff unless I ask him not to...
Now, most people may think "Well, he apologized, said he was wrong about it, and changed his ways for you to make you happy. Shouldn't you be content?" Yeah, I guess, but I can't shake my mind off this situation.
The thing that's bugging me is, how can you genuinely love someone and actively look at other women and their content like that? I've told him "Whenever I see a cute guy on my FYP, sometimes I accidentally like it just because I think he's cute. But I've had many occasions where I would immediately unlike it because I feel bad for you and wouldn't want you doing the same thing." He told me we basically had the same thinking pattern, but the guys I stumble across are just normal, cute guys explaining the most normal things on *** while the content he "stumbles upon" is basically soft porn. In my opinion it's definitely not the same thinking pattern.
I can't fathom how he would have the mentality of actively liking stuff like that (especially so he would end up seeing more of it), and then saying he genuinely loves me? I know he's a guy and all of that, but still? I truly believe that he thought he wasn't doing anything wrong, he told me, but how can you think that while being in a loving relationship with someone? I can't wrap my head around it. Ever since the incident I just can't look at him the same way. Every time we give eachother affection it just doesn't mean crap anymore to me because now it feels like he's just like the other guys I've dated even though he's so loyal to me. I don't want to blame him for anything, he's wonderful, but I physically can't feel good about giving someone affection or my 100% love if I know they're looking after the stuff I mentioned before.
I'm trying to stay away for a bit and focus more on myself right now, I've told him about it. He's super supportive but the longer I stay away, the harder it seems for me to return to him. Usually people find it hard to leave their relationship, but I just can't make myself seem to stay. Something in my brain has just switched and made him seem like this villain.
Because of stuff like this I tend to really have an issue with men in general sometimes. I often catch myself generalizing him with this "group" of men that I dislike, even though he doesn't deserve it. I just can't trust anything.
Every day I think back about that incident, I can't let it go. I can't understand the fact that I just know out of my own I shouldn't like and follow and actively look at stuff like that, but... I had to tell him first that it's wrong (in my eyes). He didn't know it from himself, I had to tell him first. Isn't it messed up that he genuinely thought stuff like that was okay?
I really don't know what to do. Is it weird that he had a mentality like that? Should I be scared for any other behaviours he might have that he genuinely thinks are okay? Am I freaking out too much? Should I stay even though I can't look at him the same way anymore? I really want this relationship to work, everything else has been going so great. I'm just so much in my head all the time. Should I leave?
I don't care if he watches porn, or looks at other women who he finds attractive, we're all human and get stuff like that shoved in our faces. I just don't get how you could want to see more of THAT kind of stuff on such an open social media platform... Porn is just watching it in your private time, alone, ... But social media, ***, is a very public and open thing. Everything about it just feels wrong to me. Everytime I see an attractive girl on *** now I just feel bad because I think of the fact that he could be watching her TikToks as well, thinking she's hot, liking everything, ... I would never have any issues like that if I were alone, so what's wrong? Am I self-sabotaging?
Everyone has their flaws and every relationship will have something wrong with it. I just can’t figure out anymore which things should make me leave, or if I’m in my head way too much.
@NeedAdviceNow123
If all you want is loyalty , get a pet. But i was a little shocked that he did delete his ***** (since it was written like that in your post) account but later learnt that you were the reason , why he was able to say goodbye to his unhealthy habits of watching porn and the thought that how can someone see other girls , while he is in a relationship and that too online is just absurd . The only thing that was his fault that he does not do such things on history disabled browsers. What you are chasing after is a dream guy . And its more like males have testosterone harmone that encourages them to watch these things in simple words else people become irritated. I hope you find the guy you dream to be with.💕
@Skansly
Thanks for your response! Kind of sad that me looking for a person who doesn't do any of that stuff, is like looking for a "dream guy". The bar is really low if he isn't able to just not look at that stuff.
Like I said, no problem with him watching porn/looking at other women/... That's normal. But actively enaging with that kind of content just to be able to see more of it is upsetting to me. And yes he should've done it on a history disabled browser, just like watching porn, and not act so careless around giving attention to such content on such public platforms.
@NeedAdviceNow123
generally you cannot do much since now it just freely available on social platform , in previous days it was more confined to a site . like just a month ago i got to know about onlyfans , didnt knew such a site existed and that it would be famous . like in our country you cannot browse a porn website , the link is blocked . but since he did not watch on history disabled brower as well as he used his account to watch those things , definately the algorithm will pick up things similar to it and show it. he needs to clear his search and watch history.
@Skansly
Yeah, but he wanted the algorithm to pick up on it, so I guess he got what he wanted
😓
@NeedAdviceNow12
Whether or not you remain in the relationship isn't something I or anyone should be advising you about. I can only share some general observations about relationship issues.
Everyone has their own values and ethics that they live by. Understanding your partner over time is part of the equation, as is the acceptance that people change and learning/understanding about our partner is an ongoing process. No two individuals would agree on everything all the time and that's what working together is about. As you said, it dismays you to think he didn't automatically know he shouldn't be engaging with that stuff. You both talked about it, you expressed your hurt and your boundaries, he accepted yours was a path he could work with, and took action to correct whatever had hurt you. Through life and relationships, there will always be points where mistakes are made or partners aren't on the same page about something that feels like a big deal at the time. In my experience, there is a lot of value in the willingness and ability to discuss things like adults and find a way forward that you're both happy with. Human beings, ALL of us, are imperfect. Two imperfect beings can however, create a perfect relationship together if they're both determined to do so.
The fact that he did it so openly and publicly can also be taken to mean that he genuinely didn't believe it crossed any lines. Is that a mindset you're willing to work with to find your happy place? That is a call you'll have to make based upon how you feel about him overall and your relationship.
I wish you well. I hope you find the happiness you're looking for.
@0m
Thank you for such a clear and honest response.
I love the "The fact he did it so openly and publicly can also be taken to mean that he genuinely didn't believe it crossed any lines." It really gave me a new perspective on things.
We've talked about it more and he keeps reassuring me he never gave it any thought and that it doesn't have anything to do with me. However he sees it hurts me and promised me he won't engage with that stuff. We'll see how that works out for the future, but it's out of my control. I'm trying to get over it, put it aside, and give him a chance.
I would just advise careful what you wish for
you may feel like a victory but just deleting and saying OK so easy means he KNOWS now to hide any future viewing.... teaching him to hide what he was generally Open about
searching through a phone IMO is a sad state............ that so many think that is part of today's relationships......no trust equals untrustworthy partners .... guilty until proven otherwise
REAL people are a bigger risk then viewing online ..... even if you are the pretty one .........the only engagement other then algorithm......are these women are usually making money by likes or followers ....and frankly do not care who is watching at all..
cheating or stepping over a line is about a NEED (usually emotional) being met
........often the other woman is not as pretty ........or other man may not even be conventionally attractive as partner but they listen or fill a need.
@toughTiger6481
Thank you for your response.
Yeah, I've also thought about that: What if he just hides all of that stuff now? But like I said, it doesn't hurt to look. It's normal. I don't mind porn either. I do have a problem with him actively engaging with that kind of stuff so he can view more and more every single day. I really believe you shouldn't give these girls attention by following, liking, ... Doing whatever. I know those girls won't care who follows them or whatever, but to me those are still real women behind the screen.
If I think someone's cute, I'm not actively engaging with them either just because I think they're hot (I won't try and get their attention in whatever way is what I mean). I just look at it with zero thought and move on, that's what he's allowed to do as well.
If he does hide it from and continues liking and engaging with content like that, then it's a no-go from me. I can accept anything, I'm willing to compromise on literally any given subject, but not with this one. That's where my boundaries are. You can look but not engage. If he can't do that then he just isn't for me. If everyone is going to be like that, then I'd rather stay single and not be with anyone at all.
And yes, I agree, going through phones is not the right move but I just had to know. If I hadn't seen it I wouldn't have been able to talk to him about it and he would've just continued. I probably will go through his phone again if I have the chance. No matter how much a person proves their loyalty to me, I will never trust someone 100% again. The heartbreak is absolutely not worth it. Call it toxic but I'm trying to protect myself.
@NeedAdviceNow123
I understand your feelings and have trust broken more then once does effect people and many couples feel going through each others phones etc is Normal ...
i just think it should not be needed...... seems controlling..... the line what he is Allowed to do ....... says there could be trouble down the road should he want to test these boundaries.....
@toughTiger6481
But testing my boundaries is just not a thing, or I'll cut him off. In my eyes it isn't controlling. He IS allowed to look at that stuff and whatever, I just don't want him engaging with it. Just like him and I have conversations about certain "rules" that he thinks are important. He expects me to tell him whenever I'm texting another guy, he doesn't like it when I mention I think someone else is cute (did this as a "joke" once x)) and so forth... So I guess it isn't controlling if you're both fine with it and talk about it? I make an effort to do the things he appreciates (or don't do the things that he doesn't appreciate) so he should do that for me as well (considering I still let him do pretty much anything he wants, I mean come on, is it that hard to just not like stuff like that?).
I don't feel like I'm asking for too much. If he absolutely HAS to do that stuff, and we can't find a compromise, then that just means we're not meant for eachother.
I know this is an older thread but I hope that this is something that has resolved itself for you . I too have had the same problem and feel as you do that if someone truly loved me that restraint shouldn’t be much of an ask. I just feel like today’s culture teaches its excusable and “just a guy thing.” But I’m just here to say you aren’t the only one that thinks that this is a poor excuse. I personally feel like that kind of thinking and treatment leads to insecurity in your feelings for someone and will always allow a doubt to reside. And honestly as a married woman who had her husband look into porn and a lot of it lately , it makes everything prior feel like a lie. And it is much worse being married as you’re a bit more stuck and can’t just walk away. So I do believe you have to find a compromise for yourself, personally for me if it continues I think the nonsense in how it makes me feel would be enough for me to walk away. And honestly if I can’t find a man that cant have some restraint than I guess I’m being single , but at least I’ll have my sanity and confidence. Just don’t equate it to you not being beautiful enough or something’s wrong with you . As I truly have kept myself up and have always been told I’m pretty my whole life ( I’m not saying this to be arrogant as I have lots of insecurities , I’m saying it doesn’t matter how gorgeous you are it’s an addiction for a reason. Common sense and logic are thrown out the window) men enjoy this stuff from an early age and it scientifically messes with the grey matter in their brain and causes them to lose interest in real intimacy with real women, also has higher links to later infidelity . So it really is something to be concerned about. Your not alone in your thinking! Hope you take care and hope that things are looking up for you !
