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...See more I'm 44 and feel empty, unwanted, and hopeless. I grew up experiencing about any kind of abuse you can think of. In school, I never had any friends, as I was always the one everyone bullied, and the people who didn't bully me just didn't care. I became suicidal at 14, got help, and found a purpose in life. However, I couldn't make that happen and spent the next 16 years just getting by, but finding myself in one abusive relationship after another. At 32, I became suicidal again and gave myself one last chance to make my dream happen, and I did it. I got my masters degree and graduated at 38. I've always felt I had huge potential to help others and I do that in my job, and I love that, but it doesn't translate into my own life being better. I got married to a man (same sex marriage, but not legal-it was a civil union). Since then, my husband (who is 20 years older than I am) has developed leukemia, which is in remission now, as long as he takes a daily med. However, he still has health complications due to this and other chronic issues as well as severe depression that makes him unmotivated and often very "closed off". My mother came to live with us a few years ago after my stepfather died. She is 25 years older than me, and also has depression which has been lifelong which she denies and refuses to get help for. I have recently come to accept that I am transgender. Though I have always felt more female, I grew up in a time and place where it wasn't safe to be trans, and people wouldn't even talk about it. Therefore, I never really expressed this and just resolved to accept being a gay male. As I said, I'm now in my 40's, with only my mother and husband as family. Still very few close friends, though. Over the years, I've met people who like me, but no one who makes any effort to be a real part of my life. I also have no children, which upsets me as I've always wanted them but never had any opportunity to have them. Now I'm dealing with the knowledge that when my mother and husband die, I will be alone in the world. I continue trying to reach out to make new friends and connections, only to be rejected or ignored consistently. I feel like I have nothing in my life that makes me feel connected to others, or even really loved. I'm afraid to live in a world full of people who don't care about me, and I feel like I have no real meaning in my life beyond my job, which again, just translates into hope and meaning for the people I help, but not for me. To top it all off, I don't believe in any afterlife anymore, so I feel like the rest of my life will consist of just pain, isolation, depression and then meaningless death. Is there anyone who can help with this?

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