Existential Crisis
I'm 44 and feel empty, unwanted, and hopeless. I grew up experiencing about any kind of abuse you can think of. In school, I never had any friends, as I was always the one everyone bullied, and the people who didn't bully me just didn't care. I became suicidal at 14, got help, and found a purpose in life. However, I couldn't make that happen and spent the next 16 years just getting by, but finding myself in one abusive relationship after another. At 32, I became suicidal again and gave myself one last chance to make my dream happen, and I did it. I got my masters degree and graduated at 38. I've always felt I had huge potential to help others and I do that in my job, and I love that, but it doesn't translate into my own life being better. I got married to a man (same sex marriage, but not legal-it was a civil union). Since then, my husband (who is 20 years older than I am) has developed leukemia, which is in remission now, as long as he takes a daily med. However, he still has health complications due to this and other chronic issues as well as severe depression that makes him unmotivated and often very "closed off". My mother came to live with us a few years ago after my stepfather died. She is 25 years older than me, and also has depression which has been lifelong which she denies and refuses to get help for. I have recently come to accept that I am transgender. Though I have always felt more female, I grew up in a time and place where it wasn't safe to be trans, and people wouldn't even talk about it. Therefore, I never really expressed this and just resolved to accept being a gay male. As I said, I'm now in my 40's, with only my mother and husband as family. Still very few close friends, though. Over the years, I've met people who like me, but no one who makes any effort to be a real part of my life. I also have no children, which upsets me as I've always wanted them but never had any opportunity to have them. Now I'm dealing with the knowledge that when my mother and husband die, I will be alone in the world. I continue trying to reach out to make new friends and connections, only to be rejected or ignored consistently. I feel like I have nothing in my life that makes me feel connected to others, or even really loved. I'm afraid to live in a world full of people who don't care about me, and I feel like I have no real meaning in my life beyond my job, which again, just translates into hope and meaning for the people I help, but not for me. To top it all off, I don't believe in any afterlife anymore, so I feel like the rest of my life will consist of just pain, isolation, depression and then meaningless death. Is there anyone who can help with this?
Please connect with me. I am pretty sure if we talk we can find a solution.
@NewStory
Welcome. It sounds like you have accomplished much in your life, not limited to a master's degree and a meaningful career of service, but also that you pushed through so much abuse, turmoil and sadness. You found love, as well, and this is a beautiful thing, even if he is closed off as you describe. In regard to his health and his being distant, I know that some health conditions can cause people to shut down emotionally due to exhaustion on many levels. That is something I can relate to in my own way, having had a longtime partner with a chronic health condition.
If you recall from Maslow's Hierarchy, finding meaning is higher up on the scale than, say, food and shelter, but it is just as important as the needs lower down on the pyramid. They just get pushed into the background while we struggle with those more basic needs. When we are in our 40's, though, we start assessing where we are in life, noticing what is missing, or what we would still like to do. All of your concerns are very valid and understandable at this time and in your situation as you describe it. I hope you can find a Listener that is a good fit!
A month and a half later, and here I sit, crying and feeling like nothing has changed. I'm a defective person who can't form meaningful connections, act responsibly, or even manage basic life tasks. I don't think it will ever change.
I am sorry you are feeling this way and are struggling in your own ways. I wish I could relate to this exact situation.. mines the same but the opposite. I have lost both of my closest parents over the last 6 years my mom a year ago in May. I also fear being all alone especially if my significant other leaves me due to my issues mentally that have been affecting my work and ability to make an income. I am proud to hear you found purpose and accomplished what you wanted for a career. I myself have been struggling to find that in my own life and often don't have the conviction to push myself it seems as you did. Please know that you're not alone in your feelings. I feel the same about feeling like I can't be responsible or handle life tasks. I wish I had something to cure it all for you, myself, and all others that struggle with these horrible feelings. All I can say to offer hope is you're not alone and you've made it this far. You've had successes. You can find more success and more connections in life. Keep going even if it's hard. This too shall pass.
@10Wands
Let's hope so. I appreciate your kind words.
@NewStory
It's not what happens to us in life, it's how we interpret what happens to us in life. Your regrets and shortcomings will be fuel from now on to never allow any regret ruin your life ever again - have most suffered what you have suffered? I don't think so, so what if you are faced with adversity, which most people have never been faced with?
Grow with momentum, learn to be wrong fast, learn from observed mistakes, measure what you do and improve and self motivate yourself 5 minutes every hour.
Hey man I just want to say that even though you feel alone in this world your not and we have many people here who cre about you and dont want you to give up.Even though I have lived enough years to know what your going I understand how it's sucks feeling like almost nobody in the world acknowledges you.Its horrible because so many people in this world dont care to put in effort and are too selfish and occupied with themselves and there own lives.But were here for you and many of us would love to be your friend. Any I'm praying for your husband and hope he gets better. Your life matters and does have meaning dont ever forget that💜
Hi, I just wanted to say hello. I’d gladly have a chat and a juice or a tea with you if you were nearby. As would many people... so many people are lonely or shy and would love to connect more with others. I thought perhaps you could join a club or take up a new hobby ? Or find some sort of group or regular meeting near you. Maybe it’d be a push to leave your comfort zone, and hey if you don’t like it, no need to go back... but it could be a way to meet/connect with some new people? Art, gardening, birdwatching, a beach or park clean up? An animal shelter. A chess group. A walkers group (nice way to exercise and feel good and see nice nature where you live) also a possibility for good conversation and maybe making new local friends? Sorry if you thought of this or it doesn’t seem appropriate, it just came to mind... I know from my personal experience of being lonely and isolating myself that I often don’t do enough to allow opportunities for connection.
i also noticed a major difference in my mood when I decided to think every evening about what I was grateful for in my day... even little things! It reprogrammed my mind into noticing the good and somehow attracted more of it... instead of me staying stuck on negative loops in my head.
If you want to talk some time we can :)
I really wish for you good things... and please try to be kind to yourself... I’m sure you’re really a lovely person. It’s amazing the difference it can make when you start to notice negative self-talk/self judgement/ criticism and try to replace it with nice thoughts. Hope this helps, you, or someone.
Big hug :)