Nm1028 Member Profile

...See more I don't even know where to start. I have known since I was 12 that my father would masterbate on me next to him in bed. This happened from the ages of 5-7. I even asked him as a child what he had been doing but he said he had been "spanking" me because I was being bad, and I believed him as all children believe their parents. When I was around the age of 12 I was forced to sit through a sex Ed class where something just clicked in my head. That wasn't his hand that he had been rubbing and hitting on my backside when I was a child. It was such a shock that I had bad anxiety and stayed in my room all the time. I would sleep in my little brothers room for 3 years after that to keep the nightmares away. In a way I tried to rationalize it in my mind that maybe I just got too close to him in the bed. I was continued forced visits to see him one weekend out of the month until I was 18. He was out of state and my parents had divorced when I was 3. I was okay for the most part on going there because I had a step sister my age and we were best friends and I would stay with her avoiding my dad most of the weekend. Until a year ago my depression hit me the strongest it had since I was 12 and I tried to kill myself. I was forced to be at an inpatient facility for three days until I begged them to let me out. It felt like prison in there and it only made me worse having them throw random drugs at me. I finally got the guts to tell my mom what my dad had did to me as a child. At first she had no reaction and just said she was sorry that it happened to me. I took her non reaction to be that she didn't believe me and fell deeper in depression. I went to therapy and got on different kinds of anti depressants but a lot didn't work for me and had bad side effects so I gave up on them. A year after my suicide attempt, actually Halloween this year I got extremely drunk. I kept screaming and crying that my dad raped me and tried to cut myself but my boyfriend stopped me. When he told me in the morning what I said I was confused why I would say that, because at the time the only memories I had was of him masterbating on me in the bed. Slowly after that night the nightmares began again. I couldn't sleep in the dark. Bit by bit pieces of a memory started coming back to me. It was fuzzy in detail and seemed like a dream but it was basically a memory of my dad forcing me to give oral and him attempting to rape me and I was young in the memory. During this I had constant anxiety and would not sleep or eat. There was no way I could rationalize this new memory. It's like it had always been tucked in the back of my mind it was always there but I hadn't realized it. With how aggressive the molestation was I understand why at 4 I would block it from my mind. I finally told my mom of this new memory and she finally believed me. She told me there was a weekend he came to pick me up when I was 4 that I threw a huge fit hysterically crying and clinging to her for dear life. She told my dad to leave and kept me that weekend. For months after that incident I refused to leave the house so she had to hire a babysitter and I wouldn't sleep alone in my bed anymore. She said she asked me many times if he had hurt me but I was scared he would do it again so I said no. She just figured I was having a hard time with the divorce at the time. I did tell her once that he made me lick a doggie toy because that's what he told me it was, but that was one of my games to pretend I was a dog so she thought I was just talking about the game. I stole feel like she should have seen the signs though and taken me to a counselor and I would have eventually told them what happened. Anyways, after remembering this new memory I promptly went into action. I made a police report of what I remembered and petitioned to change my last name because I do not want to associate with him at all. I have started therapy again and I'm looking into lawyers. I already know I won't be able to prosecute him since it happened 20 years ago but I do not want him to get away with ruining my life unscathed. He cares more about money than his own family so I guess I'll hit him where it hurts. I have been unable to hold down a job and I have dropped many college classes and had to leave school or work due to my depression. I feel I should be compensated for therapy at least. I went to therapy last Friday and the therapist actually tried to convince me not to take him to court. I couldn't believe what she was saying. Then I said to her "what if it was your daughter?" That shut her up real quick. Definitely won't be going back to her again. At the moment I am 25 with limited resources trying to scramble up statements and any kind of evidence I can to take him to court. I am alone in this completely because my alcoholic mother decided to pick a fight with me on Christmas Eve and throw me out. (This has happened many holidays but I thought opening up to her about what happened to me would change the way she treats me). I had to spend Christmas at a friends which I was grateful to not be alone but I really needed my family this holiday. Christmas night I spent crying on the kitchen floor holding a knife to my wrists. I never actually cut myself but I just do enough pressure to keep my mind off my distress and sadness at the moment. I am looking for another therapist and still looking for a lawyer that will take my case if I offer part of the money I am suing him for. Not to mention my boyfriend broke up with me two days before Christmas because he couldn't handle it anymore. I am so lost at what to do and I feel so alone in this. I want to be an inspiration to other little girls that have been through this that they can get some sort of justice, but it is just so hard right now. I am so alone and many times I wonder if this life is worth it anymore. If there is a god why would he make me live this life of pain? I would be happy to hear from anyone else that has gone through this or has any advice on what helped them move on from it?

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