molested by father
I don't even know where to start. I have known since I was 12 that my father would masterbate on me next to him in bed. This happened from the ages of 5-7. I even asked him as a child what he had been doing but he said he had been "spanking" me because I was being bad, and I believed him as all children believe their parents. When I was around the age of 12 I was forced to sit through a sex Ed class where something just clicked in my head. That wasn't his hand that he had been rubbing and hitting on my backside when I was a child. It was such a shock that I had bad anxiety and stayed in my room all the time. I would sleep in my little brothers room for 3 years after that to keep the nightmares away. In a way I tried to rationalize it in my mind that maybe I just got too close to him in the bed. I was continued forced visits to see him one weekend out of the month until I was 18. He was out of state and my parents had divorced when I was 3. I was okay for the most part on going there because I had a step sister my age and we were best friends and I would stay with her avoiding my dad most of the weekend.
Until a year ago my depression hit me the strongest it had since I was 12 and I tried to kill myself. I was forced to be at an inpatient facility for three days until I begged them to let me out. It felt like prison in there and it only made me worse having them throw random drugs at me.
I finally got the guts to tell my mom what my dad had did to me as a child. At first she had no reaction and just said she was sorry that it happened to me. I took her non reaction to be that she didn't believe me and fell deeper in depression. I went to therapy and got on different kinds of anti depressants but a lot didn't work for me and had bad side effects so I gave up on them.
A year after my suicide attempt, actually Halloween this year I got extremely drunk. I kept screaming and crying that my dad raped me and tried to cut myself but my boyfriend stopped me. When he told me in the morning what I said I was confused why I would say that, because at the time the only memories I had was of him masterbating on me in the bed.
Slowly after that night the nightmares began again. I couldn't sleep in the dark. Bit by bit pieces of a memory started coming back to me. It was fuzzy in detail and seemed like a dream but it was basically a memory of my dad forcing me to give oral and him attempting to rape me and I was young in the memory. During this I had constant anxiety and would not sleep or eat. There was no way I could rationalize this new memory. It's like it had always been tucked in the back of my mind it was always there but I hadn't realized it. With how aggressive the molestation was I understand why at 4 I would block it from my mind.
I finally told my mom of this new memory and she finally believed me. She told me there was a weekend he came to pick me up when I was 4 that I threw a huge fit hysterically crying and clinging to her for dear life. She told my dad to leave and kept me that weekend. For months after that incident I refused to leave the house so she had to hire a babysitter and I wouldn't sleep alone in my bed anymore. She said she asked me many times if he had hurt me but I was scared he would do it again so I said no. She just figured I was having a hard time with the divorce at the time. I did tell her once that he made me lick a doggie toy because that's what he told me it was, but that was one of my games to pretend I was a dog so she thought I was just talking about the game. I stole feel like she should have seen the signs though and taken me to a counselor and I would have eventually told them what happened.
Anyways, after remembering this new memory I promptly went into action. I made a police report of what I remembered and petitioned to change my last name because I do not want to associate with him at all. I have started therapy again and I'm looking into lawyers. I already know I won't be able to prosecute him since it happened 20 years ago but I do not want him to get away with ruining my life unscathed. He cares more about money than his own family so I guess I'll hit him where it hurts. I have been unable to hold down a job and I have dropped many college classes and had to leave school or work due to my depression. I feel I should be compensated for therapy at least.
I went to therapy last Friday and the therapist actually tried to convince me not to take him to court. I couldn't believe what she was saying. Then I said to her "what if it was your daughter?" That shut her up real quick. Definitely won't be going back to her again.
At the moment I am 25 with limited resources trying to scramble up statements and any kind of evidence I can to take him to court. I am alone in this completely because my alcoholic mother decided to pick a fight with me on Christmas Eve and throw me out. (This has happened many holidays but I thought opening up to her about what happened to me would change the way she treats me). I had to spend Christmas at a friends which I was grateful to not be alone but I really needed my family this holiday. Christmas night I spent crying on the kitchen floor holding a knife to my wrists. I never actually cut myself but I just do enough pressure to keep my mind off my distress and sadness at the moment. I am looking for another therapist and still looking for a lawyer that will take my case if I offer part of the money I am suing him for. Not to mention my boyfriend broke up with me two days before Christmas because he couldn't handle it anymore.
I am so lost at what to do and I feel so alone in this. I want to be an inspiration to other little girls that have been through this that they can get some sort of justice, but it is just so hard right now. I am so alone and many times I wonder if this life is worth it anymore. If there is a god why would he make me live this life of pain?
I would be happy to hear from anyone else that has gone through this or has any advice on what helped them move on from it?
You are such a strong person, everything you have been through and you are going through and you are still here. You are doing the right thing, preventing this from happening to anyone else and getting justice from someone who ruined your childhood. Don't let this terrible thing ruin you or your life as it has only just begun you can beat this depression and you can do justice stay strong. Remember it is ok to go out with your friends and have fun don't let this dictate your life.
Thank you that actually brought tears to my eyes, I don't feel strong at the moment but you're right- I have to do this to prevent him from doing it to anyone else. I have lost so much by doing this, his whole family shunning me and calling me a liar, while he's lost nothing. If anything his family is supporting him more against his horrible "liar" daughter. I am so alone but I'm going to do what's right and hopefully in court they can hear the truth in my voice. My younger brother is still under joint custody with him and I need to protect him as he already got raped by a cousin on my dads side of the family. My dad did nothing about it.
You deserve to feel safe! I'm glad you have reached out on this website just so you can realise how beautiful and special you are for doing the right thing and not backing down even though you are losing 'everything' you are an inspiration to other people in your position. Rapists can be manipulative and come across as regular people and that's why they may not believe you but I believe you and I'm sure everyone else in that court room will too. Stay strong and do the right thing, help your brother if you can he doesn't deserve that, you didn't either, nobody does.
Nm, my dad did some unwanted touching of me when i was 5. When i was 12 he made me come into his bedroom on 3 or 4 occasions, drop my pants and underwear and masturbated me.He used the excuse that doctors told him to do it because of some surgery i had as a baby. I kept it inside and thought i was ok. I went to a counselor this summer due to deaths of 2 loved ones, and she asked me if i had been sexually abused. She told me my major depression , along with ptsd, was because of what he did. Get all the help you can. I wish i could help you out more. My mom never knew about it and neither did anyone else but him and i until my counselor got it out of me. Anytime you want to ask, just ask and i will respond asap.I will also pray things get worked out for you. Bobby
Thank you so much for replying. I can see I have the same issues as you did. I definitely feel like I have some form of ptsd- being scared of the dark and having to sleep with the covers around my head, every father I see with his young daughter I want to run and save her even though I know not every dad is a rapist. It's really messed with my mind. I find comfort that I'm not alone in this but I'm also extremely sad this happened to you and so many others. I hope you find the courage to confront your father like I did.
Nm, he did other things, one was to play a part in breaking me up with a girl I loved a lot and had planned on marrying. I kind of confronted him on that. I hadnt talked to him in 6 months, but even with all he did to me, I called him on Christmas day. He ask me a couple of questions then he told me his family was calling and he had to go. Also, he told me that some insurance money from my mom passing away, that he was going to give me, he said he had to use it for something. I guess he thought it was gonna bother me, I could care less about it.
If you can't confront him about what he did I understand. It was hard for me too. If you didn't want to say it in person you could write him a letter about how it affected you. You need to look out for yourself and your mental well-being right now. If he refuses to admit or apologize for what he did, I would cut him out of your life completely. Life is too short to have to keep talking to your abuser and pretending like everything's okay, when it really isn't.
Nm, I thought, like you said, about writing it down. I pretty much, since my counselor told me why im having my problems, have written him off. I know how he is and dont see him ever apologizing, I believe, from how he is, that he wouldnt think anything he did was wrong. I had men tell me, when I was a boy, they wish the had a son like me. I also, had at least 3 guys I worked with in the past, that told me they wished I had married their daughters. I guess from hearing that from other people, that I must not be too bad of a person.
Don't ever think of yourself as a bad person. You are smart enough to see him for the shitty father he was and you ended the cycle of abuse from continuing to any future children.
Thanks for taking the time to share your story. A problem shared is a problem halved. I'm much older and only beginning to come to terms with the poor father I had in my life growing up. You should commend yourself for being so strong at such a young age. Best of luck to you as you address these challenges.
@Nm1028 I'm 22 years old and I went thru almost about the same. I'm trying to seek justice. My boyfriend and I haven't been doin well. I always tend to ruin everything bc my past haunts me. I feel like no one understands. I'm waiting to see a therapist. I already told my dad's side of my family what he did to me. And they want to help. But my question is did u ever get a case open
I am sorry that you have had to deal with this. It must be difficult.
I hope that things get better.
I understand.
I understand.