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Hi,
I came here to ask for advice, validation, or some understanding/reflection about the situation I'm in. If anyone's been in a similar situation, I'd also love to hear how you dealt with it. It's long, sorry about that. I don't know how else to explain it, as I'm still figuring it out myself.
This summer my boyfriend and I were growing more distant. We live together and we're both working on ourselves. He's depressed, is dealing with unresolved childhood trauma and was out of a job over the last year to fully focus on himself. This is something I supported. Meanwhile, I have a tendency to overthink and seem to have some form of general anxiety. During Covid, I managed to find a job and jumpstart my career.
Around April/May all this was coming to a head for me: I wasn't sure whether I'd get my full-time contract yet, so I was applying for jobs left and right, I was tired of the isolation due to Covid, I was emotionally burnt out from living together with someone with depression. I don't blame him for it, but we don't have a big house and I didn't feel like I had a safe space to deal with my own problems. In short: I was simply burned out. I didn't want to see or speak to people, I was irritable, I was constantly stressed, so I sought counselling to deal with that. He often complained I was closed off, like when I go into my overthinking/overanalysing bubble, so I started working on being more open about what happens in my head. When I did, this was not received well. We clashed.
My boyfriend and I decided some space would be good for us, so I worked on finding gigs like house-sitting for friends while they're away or going camping while he stayed at home.
While away, I noticed he was spending a lot of time with this other couple in our friend circle and he was suddenly very social and open. I hadn't seen this side of him in a year. I reflected and feared it was because of me that he had been so low, so I started looking into couples therapy, theories on relationships, doing tests on love languages, etc. Then the guy from the couple left on holiday and my boyfriend was suddenly spending a lot of time with the girl. A lot. Talking to her constantly.
I returned from my camping trip and shared what I noticed, expressed my insecurity, which he took badly, saying it was making him feel bad for hanging out with his friends. We got into a fight and he went to stay with her for 2 nights. We were supposed to go over there together for just one night and hang out, but he left me at home. It broke me and it made me feel all the more insecure about the whole situation.
Over the following weeks, I started noticing more and more odd behaviors between the two. I started asking questions, but was constantly told it's nothing, that they're just friends. I started believing it was in my head, that I was insecure and jealous and toxic. The first time I asked he flat out denied. The second time he said her boyfriend had also started asking questions, maybe to make me feel like I wasn't crazy, but that truly there was nothing to talk about. Around then or maybe the third time he also shared the three of them had had a chat about it, but truly nothing was wrong.
I remained insecure. Every time we'd have a conversation, I would briefly let it go. Then I'd notice something new, and get mad. Then I'd get snappy and jealous around her and my boyfriend, which made them feel defensive, and isolated me further.
The 5th time my boyfriend finally admitted there had been 'feelings,' and some jokes here and there, but that it was just friendship, and whatever may have been there was long gone. It was just a sudden closeness due to both myself and her boyfriend being away. It was an admission, but not a full one.
These instances of asking occurred over the course of several weeks. We're talking end of July/beginning of August until September. In the meantime, I had also been talking to the girl, apologizing for being so insecure and jealous, having a nice time. She said she wanted to be there for me, but she's an empath and has trouble being around people going through such strong emotions. I felt guilty and took my distance.
The situation between my boyfriend and I didn't get better. We keep getting stuck in circular arguments going nowhere. We both feel invalidated, unheard, misunderstood, and judged by the other. Where we were once able to support one another, we now just clashed.
I left to stay in an acquaintance's house as she was away for holiday. This person lives in the same house as the girl. We talked. She admitted that she and my boyfriend had developed a crush over the summer, that she felt awful and guilty, that they dealt with it the moment they noticed. She said she had been so scared to tell me, because she feared I would hate her. She said this is where most of her anxiety had been coming from; she has severe panic attacks and they had been getting worse over the summer. I expressed I would not have been mad about the crush itself, but that the lying about it constantly is what hurt me. At this point, however, I didn't think she was involved with that. She told her boyfriend when he asked, after all. So I just sat there consoling her and her worries and anxieties.
A few days later she shared with me that she had expressed to my boyfriend her worries about telling me and to hold off, because she was afraid I'd get mad and things were already strained between us. I learned this a few hours before we were all supposed to go on a big trip together. I had no time to process this new information and so I was an angry hateful presence during the weekend. I tried staying out of her way, but when I get this angry, it's palpable. But she was so anxious. On the one hand, I didn't care, but on the other I very much did. She's still a student so I asked when her deadline was and planned to send her a letter after.
I got home and her boyfriend tore me a new one over text, saying I was toxic, that I was just taking my anger at my boyfriend out on her over my boyfriend's perceived behavior. He took me out. Spinning it as if I'm being unreasonable for expecting to be told something like this immediately, because it's so scary. Thing is, I didn't expect to be told immediately, but I had to wait for weeks. He got told when he asked. They all talked about it together, but they left me to doubt and fear. I genuinely felt like I was going crazy.
And that's the story they're now spinning: Poor girl is so anxious because I was mean and toxic over something that she was just unfortunately dragged into by my boyfriend and myself. She has nothing to do with it. She dealt with the crush when it came up and told me (eventually) and that's that.
To say I'm angry would be an understatement. I want accountability. I want some recognition over what they've done to me. My anger may have been extreme, but it was not unfounded or misdirected. I know I have my own faults to work on. This experience has taught me a lot about what potential themes I could try to tackle in myself. But I'm being used as a scapegoat. I was lied to for weeks, kept in the dark, isolated, and now they're trying to pin it on me.
I'm afraid of losing my friends. I'm possessed with my anger. I want justice. Most days I'm just incredibly sad. I never had trust issues, but I do now.
