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NormallySmiles123
283 M Embraced 2
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts21 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2021 Member sinceApril 26, 2021
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Sexual Anxiety.
Anxiety Support / by NormallySmiles123
Last post
 April 30th, 2021
...See more I've been in a wonderful heterosexual relationship for 8 years almost, we have children together and I have always loved our relationship. He's literally perfect. At the start of the year a repressed traumatic memory from childhood started to torment me, it started to overpower me and I became depressed and eventually had to open up. My fiancé was very reassuring and believed it meant absolutely nothing about the person I am now. Up until then I had too. I think prior to the memory appearing Relationship-OCD kicked in and made me doubt the most important person in my life (besides my children of course) "why don't I look at him and want to rip his clothes off?" "am I actually sexually attracted?" despite thinking he's gorgeous and having a great sex life... Anyway 4 months on and I'm panicking and emotional and traumatised all over again. I just need to know I'm normal! I want to be with my man, always have and can't wait to marry him. Anxiety is kicking my arse that I'm lying to myself or something because I was choosing lingerie for our weekend away on a website and thought I felt "something" looking at a women's figure during an anxious moment.. I literally feel sick at the thought of being in a same sex relationship and have never wanted that and yet I feel so confused. Please help. I'm losing it.
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Trigger warning. OCD Anxiety & confusion overload..
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by NormallySmiles123
Last post
 April 27th, 2021
...See more Feeling so consumed by confusion since around January. Obsessively so. I'm a mum, I'm in the most wonderful, love filled relationship and I wholeheartedly love my husband to be whom I have been with for almost 8 years. At the start obviously it was all passion and fireworks etc, I'm not daft that, naturally, that fades and leaves a strong lasting connection. I love everything about being with him but I have been obsessing that there is something broken within me and that I'm "broken" ... (I mean no offence believe me.) A friend came out as Bi to me, then all this obsessive stuff started and my little girl started playing with her male and female dolls.. (making them have naked cuddles etc..) and I think a switch went off in my head. Then I started questioning how sexually attracted I was to my husband to be, like, I knew/know I love him, I love his touch, he's very handsome and I enjoy sex with him, but I am never really "sexual" and don't really feel aroused by kissing until proper play, I make an effort by wearing nice lingerie etc. But I don't really desire sex or have fantasies. I felt overcome with worry and anxiety about my past, as a young child I experienced things children shouldn't sexually (with other girls my age at the time, from memory I'd say around 6/7 years old).. I remember after a few of these games I decided I didn't want to be part of those games anymore and never played with those kids ever again. But those games traumatised me. (I never spoke of any of that to anyone except my mum eventually a few years after for reassurance) After that I felt better, suffered years of anxiety walking to school etc, and if anyone made gay jokes I would feel uncomfortable and my male friend who came out at 15 once jokingly said "it's OK, I know you're gay" (before he had actually come out I believe) which stuck... but growing up I started to get crushes on boys and all seemed "normal". I had my first real boyfriend at 16 and was with him for about 2 years - it was healthy but I was too young and wanted to "have fun" with other guys. To clarify - I also never had feelings for girls, or felt attracted sexually to them. And now, 20 odd years on and a family later and I'm freaked out. I spoke to my husband to be about the "childhood games"after actually starting to feel suicidal I'd gotten that depressed and consumed with fear. He felt I was silly to worry as "all kids play" even comforted me with a story of himself which was sweet. (prior to this I spent endless amounts of time on forums which DID NOT help) Anyway, I have needed to get this stuff off my chest, I'm absolutely consumed with fear. I have been reading about OCD and feel I fall into the category for it. I do not have any kinds of fantasies or desires with any gender, I even forced myself to look at some porn which made me laugh and think "not for me"... Felt better briefly. But everything I do only helps temporarily and then I get crazy anxiety again like I'm a fraud, living a lie. Any kind words or wisdom would seriously help. I'm not coping well today at all, i have tried beta blockers and Dr even prescribed meds but I didn't get on well with them. At all. I just don't understand what's happening to me.
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