Sexual Anxiety.
I've been in a wonderful heterosexual relationship for 8 years almost, we have children together and I have always loved our relationship. He's literally perfect. At the start of the year a repressed traumatic memory from childhood started to torment me, it started to overpower me and I became depressed and eventually had to open up. My fiancé was very reassuring and believed it meant absolutely nothing about the person I am now. Up until then I had too. I think prior to the memory appearing Relationship-OCD kicked in and made me doubt the most important person in my life (besides my children of course) "why don't I look at him and want to rip his clothes off?" "am I actually sexually attracted?" despite thinking he's gorgeous and having a great sex life... Anyway 4 months on and I'm panicking and emotional and traumatised all over again. I just need to know I'm normal! I want to be with my man, always have and can't wait to marry him. Anxiety is kicking my arse that I'm lying to myself or something because I was choosing lingerie for our weekend away on a website and thought I felt "something" looking at a women's figure during an anxious moment.. I literally feel sick at the thought of being in a same sex relationship and have never wanted that and yet I feel so confused. Please help. I'm losing it.
Also to mention I've never been an exceptionally sexual person! Don't watch porn etc..
I'm sorry for this rough experience you are going through. I want to say everything you are feeling is normal. And no matter what perfect thing explains everything, you are normal. Sexual attraction works differently in different people. And there are other kinds of attraction without wanting sex, such as appreciation for appearances and for personalities. You even have people who experience 0 sexual attraction at all but may possibly still experience romantic attraction separately and may or may not still have a sex drive. The world isn't so black and white or fits what Hollywood shows us, especially when it comes to how people are wired. I have a friend who will openly state when she finds a woman (particularly in movies or TV shows) attractive, but she is straight. She jokes about it, unashamedly, that maybe she was gay in a past life, or how if she was actually gay or bi it would make her dating life easier. She probably is the most loving and charitable person I know. I can't say for sure what exactly fits you, as I'm not all-knowing or even anywhere near an expert. But maybe think if one of your children, when they got older, was experiencing the same feelings of confusion you are. What would you tell them? How would you want them to be to themselves? I often find changing the perspective to be about someone else I love can help me find the right words and thinking. Plus, I know that person would want me to be at least the same to myself as what I am for them. And it helps me to be the best version of me that can help them, too. I'm not sure how much this helps. I hope even some small bit in this does. Know that you are a strong person to reach out for help. I send you warm thoughts and wish you well.
Hi, thank you for such a lovely, kind hearted response. I'm overly sensitive right now with the ridiculous anxiety. I really just haven't felt like myself at all, like I'm just not me anymore. I'm isolated from family as I live 9hrs away from them and therefore loneliness started causing depression, I tried SSRIs but after 3 days couldn't cope with them. I think ill need to try them again 😔 I was hoping lockdown lifting would help and tonight my fiancé has booked us a hotel stay which I hope will clear my head more so. I just need to remember why these thoughts started and that childhood does not dictate the future.
It sounds like that you are really struggling with yourself with self-doubt. It sounds like that your difficulties started when that repressed childhood memory resurfaced to your conscious awareness. That memory has made you feel uncomfortable in some way and you are feeling ashamed about what you are going through. This is a normal way of feeling after going through trauma. You seem really anxious about whether if you are living up to your own expectations of how you should be when it comes to sex. As a result, you overthink and get more anxious. Also, it bothers you that you felt something while looking at another woman. You felt sick because you being attracted to another woman is different that how you see yourself and what you expect out of yourself. There are a lot of women that are sexually attracted to other women. It's just that they don't openly talk about it.
You're entirely right, overthinking has caused irrational anxiety and in my heart I know I truly dont fancy women, I've never looked at a woman "like that" before, I've never had any flirtatious moments with women etc I'm just not into it. I believe my anxiety made me feel a brief moment of sensation as following that I looked at men and felt the same, yet on a normal day I look at pictures of anyone and feel nothing.. Porn, nothing. The actual thought of intimacy with a women turns my stomach in a knot, doesn't make me feel excited..
