NorthWindPath Member Profile

...See more Hi. I’m reaching out here because I’m struggling emotionally and I don’t know what’s right anymore. I hope someone here might relate or have some perspective. I’m going through a really painful time in my marriage. My husband and I have been married for almost five years. About a year ago, he told me he had been struggling with pornography addiction for a long time—something he had kept completely hidden from me. It was devastating, but I chose to stay, because I wanted to believe things could change. I made it clear that I couldn't continue in a relationship where this continued, as it affects my self-worth and emotional safety deeply. Recently, I discovered that he had still been watching sexualized content—this time on ***. Over the course of two months, he had viewed and searched for more than 50 videos of women in revealing clothing and clearly sexualized settings. He even tried searching for pornography there. He didn’t come clean about it—I found out myself. And although he had a blocker on his phone that prevented him from going further, the fact that he tried, and then didn’t tell me the truth until I confronted him, hurt just as much. Every time something like this happens, it damages my self-image and pushes me further away emotionally. I feel sick, hollow, and broken. It’s incredibly hard to move forward when trust is repeatedly broken. What makes it even harder is that I don’t see real commitment from him to fight this. Yes, he’s started therapy and deleted social media—but that’s it. I’m the one suggesting books, support groups like SAA, tools that might help him grow. I’m the one pushing him further. He knows I’m struggling to decide whether I can stay in this marriage, and still I see no real effort to win me back—no emotional gestures, no action, no urgency. I refuse to ask or beg for it, because I believe he needs to show me on his own that I matter to him. I know he is super sad and maybe depressed but I don’t feel like that’s a valid excuse for not doing these things, I’m also depressed I’m also devastated and I’d do those things if it was me in his position. Lately, I feel numb. It’s like something in me has shut off. I don’t feel love anymore. I don’t feel that connection. And I don’t know if that’s a temporary defense or something permanent. I’m tired. I feel emotionally abandoned. And I’m scared that maybe there’s no way back from this. Has anyone here gone through something similar? Is it possible to fall in love again after deep betrayal and emotional distance? Or is this the end of something I keep holding onto out of hope? Is it realistic that he can get over this addiction? I also want to mention that we are Christian’s and don’t really believe in divorce unless someone has been unfaithful, but I’m not sure what I want to do anyways. Thank you for reading. I’d truly appreciate any thoughts or shared experiences.

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