A porn addicts wife
Hi. I’m reaching out here because I’m struggling emotionally and I don’t know what’s right anymore. I hope someone here might relate or have some perspective.
I’m going through a really painful time in my marriage. My husband and I have been married for almost five years. About a year ago, he told me he had been struggling with pornography addiction for a long time—something he had kept completely hidden from me. It was devastating, but I chose to stay, because I wanted to believe things could change. I made it clear that I couldn't continue in a relationship where this continued, as it affects my self-worth and emotional safety deeply.
Recently, I discovered that he had still been watching sexualized content—this time on ***. Over the course of two months, he had viewed and searched for more than 50 videos of women in revealing clothing and clearly sexualized settings. He even tried searching for pornography there. He didn’t come clean about it—I found out myself. And although he had a blocker on his phone that prevented him from going further, the fact that he tried, and then didn’t tell me the truth until I confronted him, hurt just as much.
Every time something like this happens, it damages my self-image and pushes me further away emotionally. I feel sick, hollow, and broken. It’s incredibly hard to move forward when trust is repeatedly broken.
What makes it even harder is that I don’t see real commitment from him to fight this. Yes, he’s started therapy and deleted social media—but that’s it. I’m the one suggesting books, support groups like SAA, tools that might help him grow. I’m the one pushing him further. He knows I’m struggling to decide whether I can stay in this marriage, and still I see no real effort to win me back—no emotional gestures, no action, no urgency. I refuse to ask or beg for it, because I believe he needs to show me on his own that I matter to him. I know he is super sad and maybe depressed but I don’t feel like that’s a valid excuse for not doing these things, I’m also depressed I’m also devastated and I’d do those things if it was me in his position.
Lately, I feel numb. It’s like something in me has shut off. I don’t feel love anymore. I don’t feel that connection. And I don’t know if that’s a temporary defense or something permanent. I’m tired. I feel emotionally abandoned. And I’m scared that maybe there’s no way back from this.
Has anyone here gone through something similar? Is it possible to fall in love again after deep betrayal and emotional distance? Or is this the end of something I keep holding onto out of hope? Is it realistic that he can get over this addiction?
I also want to mention that we are Christian’s and don’t really believe in divorce unless someone has been unfaithful, but I’m not sure what I want to do anyways.
Thank you for reading. I’d truly appreciate any thoughts or shared experiences.
@NorthWindPath
It is a very difficult thing to go thru.
This is an addiction for some I do not understand myself but pushing and telling someone how to get over something we do understand does not help. I have dealt with addicts in my life you need to show them whatever item is not worth it. Ask what is he getting out of watching this stuff? maybe ask about how fake it is?
Honestly a radical option may be offer to watch with him ...that takes away any secret thrill or whatever he gets out of it. May make him very uncomfortable to even think of watching with you. all he needs is a reason to quit for himself.
@NorthWindPath
I know that what you are going through is difficult for anyone and I sympathize with you, but I want to clarify an idea that may be difficult but it is the truth. Your marriage to an addict is not a coincidence because what you have is feeding his illness more. You have something called (co-addiction). This is another type of addiction and is found in the companions of addicts who always try to make them happy and solve their problems. Over time, they sacrifice their own peace of mind to solve the problems of their companions. The problem is that this does not help the addict’s recovery at all. It increases his addiction because it burdens him with the consequences that he is supposed to bear responsibility for, not you. The solution is for you to attend the meetings of the co-addict. The first thing, and the solution is the opposite of what you think, is not to help him, but rather to make him bear the consequences of his actions and show him your anger . You can distance yourself from him and tell him that he will not come back to you as long as you are. Then he will realize the consequences of his actions and will begin to truly recover.