OceanWaves37 Member Profile

I lost My Pregnancy

Grief & Loss / by OceanWaves37

May 8th, 2025

...See more Hi all, First time posting in the Grief and Loss Forum, although this happened approximately 5 months ago. I was pregnant and ready to quit my *** job, ready to run to something new and exciting and not look back, ready to be home with my little boy and welcome my new child by summer. Well, none of that happened. I lost the pregnancy. You know, I'm so grateful I have my toddler. He is my reason. I love him more than I could ever love myself, and my love for him makes me think of how much the Divine Creator loves his creation. That being said, I wanted him to have a brother or sister. And I was heartbroken that it didn't happen. I'm trying again. Unfortunately for myself and my son, I have lived a life of trauma and abuse (a long story that is for another time and place), and this led me to having children a bit later in life than I would have originally liked. It keeps playing in my mind that if I didn't keep miscarrying, I would have at least three kids by now. Three. And two are buried in a cemetary that I've never been brave enough to visit because I don't want to face how crushed this would make me feel. I lost both about two months along. This last one happened in December, and I was at a loss and a stand-still. All the sudden I didn't quit my *** job like I wanted to. I was paralyzed by grief and couldn't take anymore change all of a sudden. I stayed put at a job I'd grown sick of. I'm still there, but I'm giving my notice this month. Finally. It's taken me almost half a year to move again. And my trauma/PTSD keeps me guilty. Oh, how guilty I feel for leaving my profession for a bit to try to have a baby and work from home some. I'm already accepted at a part time job/work from home. The pay is low, and it's a definite cut, but it's worth it to have peace of mind again. I want to go to grad school, get my master's, and pursue clinical mental health counseling, but I'm going to put down the phone and hang up that call for now. I need simple. I need to be home for my boy, my home, and to try again. I just wanted to get this out. I am going to feel so guilty for leaving a profession where I help others, but I'm guilty daily not helping my child more. I never see my family, not one person in my life outside of work likes how much my job takes up of my life. This is gonna hurt, but I want the change. I'm ready again. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.

Now I have to be Selfish, and It HURTS

Trauma Support / by OceanWaves37

December 14th, 2024

...See more I found out I'm pregnant with my second child. I work a demanding, draining, and honestly not-worth-the-pay job. I love my work as a counselor and helping clients, but the job is such a drain and full of so much bureaucratic *** that I don't get a lot of time to really provide quality care that I want to. Office politics. Certain people in positions of power get to show up late every day and skimp on their work with no repercussions, while us "grunts" always pull the slack and get jumped if things do not get done properly, which certainly does happen when one clinician is doing the work of three people at any point in time. If I'm being one hundred percent honest, it's toxic, which is ironic since it's supposed to be a program to help others. My son already suffers enough from me working so much overtime at times. I took the job because it was all I could get with my degree. My husband couldn't keep us all up financially anymore and I had to work. I got a year and a half experience here and I'm DONE. I already placed an application for some remote work and I have a backup just in case. Now that I'm pregnant, exhausted, hormonal, and already stretched to the max, I am ready to go. I'd quit tomorrow if I could, but I have to give one months' notice, which I will this coming week. Not gonna lie, I'm terrified of change, even if I know it's the right thing to do for myself and my kid and future baby. I'm just *** TIRED. I work all the time, try to parent my toddler with utmost exhaustion, and feel guilty because I'm spending more time on a job that doesn't care than anything in general. I'm on the verge of tears as I type this. I miss my little boy. I miss peace of mind. I do consider going back to the helping profession, but I need a break. I don't need to do this to myself- my family. I'm constantly on call in some way. Group chat going off at any hour of the night asking work-related *** questions. There have been days I've worked over, went home to calm down, only to be called about some *** something that could probably wait. Even worse if it couldn't wait, because then it's an emergency. Ugh. I'm crying now. I held on so long to gain the experience. Now I have it for my resume in the future. I'm done. Worst of all, due to past abuse, I will feel GUILTY, no matter what. No way out of it. I had a good talk with my own therapist today, and she solidified it for me. It's time for me to move on. She told me that unfortunately community mental health often does not provide an environment for good therapists to thrive. I know I'm not some great therapist, but I feel like a *** one here. I just want to work at whatever part-time to make ends meet, spend more time with my boy and his future sibling while they're little, and then I'll go back, get my masters, and stay the *** away from the place I work now. It hurts so bad. I wish it didn't hurt so bad to put myself first. Trauma has caused this. ***! Thanks for listening. I'll be okay. One day at a time now until my last day of work.

Feeling submissive as a symptom of past abuse/PTSD

Trauma Support / by OceanWaves37

July 12th, 2024

...See more So, I (attempt to) help others for a living. I think it's my way of finding purpose, healing, and getting my power back in some odd way. My job title requires that I be assertive, at least to some degree, which is healthy. However, I find that when my PTSD symptoms flare up, especially if I'm triggered, I become small, submissive, and almost "childlike' in ways, which is so embarrassing to me. Today the onsite nurse where I work told me that she would love to see me actually get mad because I'm so quiet and "timid" (ugh, I hate this word) at times when I often speak. I know why this happens as a trauma response. Being small, quiet, and "timid" helped me survive living with a severely mentally unwell parent that was prone to being very violent and unpredictable. I went through 18 years of that, and then some once I became an adult and moved out to get away from the abuse. I truly don't think my coworker meant to be hurtful or anything, and was talking in a light-hearted manner, but all this to say, I felt vulnerable and deeply embarrassed, not to mentioned triggered. I feel the most upset because I work with a therapist of my own and am often putting a lot of work into managing my symptoms and being proactive, bettering myself, etc., and it hurts that it is still so obvious that I am a traumatized, scared little girl inside. I wish others did not notice this, but that is not real. Even more so, I am a parent who wants to be a healthy role model for my child, and I feel like I am failing. I feel like I am failing my clients, who need to see me be healthy and assertive. I rambled a lot to get those feelings out...They need to come out. Just a question to others in this community: Do any of you often feel like this? Do you feel small, weak, afraid, vulnerable at times, and even "timid" (I particularly hate this word because my abusive mother used to use this on me constantly to berate me). And how do you cope with this? If you've managed these symptoms well, how so? Thanks to anyone who has made it this far. If you feel even remotely like I do at times, I'm sorry you have to go through it.

PTSD is not fun (not even a little)

General Support / by OceanWaves37

August 15th, 2023

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