I lost My Pregnancy

Hi all, 

First time posting in the Grief and Loss Forum, although this happened approximately 5 months ago. I was pregnant and ready to quit my *** job, ready to run to something new and exciting and not look back, ready to be home with my little boy and welcome my new child by summer. Well, none of that happened. 

I lost the pregnancy. 

You know, I'm so grateful I have my toddler. He is my reason. I love him more than I could ever love myself, and my love for him makes me think of how much the Divine Creator loves his creation. That being said, I wanted him to have a brother or sister. And I was heartbroken that it didn't happen.

I'm trying again. Unfortunately for myself and my son, I have lived a life of trauma and abuse (a long story that is for another time and place), and this led me to having children a bit later in life than I would have originally liked. 

It keeps playing in my mind that if I didn't keep miscarrying, I would have at least three kids by now. Three. And two are buried in a cemetary that I've never been brave enough to visit because I don't want to face how crushed this would make me feel. 

I lost both about two months along. This last one happened in December, and I was at a loss and a stand-still. All the sudden I didn't quit my *** job like I wanted to. I was paralyzed by grief and couldn't take anymore change all of a sudden. I stayed put at a job I'd grown sick of. I'm still there, but I'm giving my notice this month. Finally. It's taken me almost half a year to move again.

And my trauma/PTSD keeps me guilty. Oh, how guilty I feel for leaving my profession for a bit to try to have a baby and work from home some. I'm already accepted at a part time job/work from home. The pay is low, and it's a definite cut, but it's worth it to have peace of mind again. I want to go to grad school, get my master's, and pursue clinical mental health counseling, but I'm going to put down the phone and hang up that call for now. 

I need simple. I need to be home for my boy, my home, and to try again. 

I just wanted to get this out. I am going to feel so guilty for leaving a profession where I help others, but I'm guilty daily not helping my child more. I never see my family, not one person in my life outside of work likes how much my job takes up of my life. 

This is gonna hurt, but I want the change. I'm ready again. 

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.