PaintedPoet Member Profile

...See more I've never done anything like this before so I don't know if this is what I'm supposed to do. But here's my story. (I'll change her name to Leannan for her privacy since that was her pet name for me) truthfully I just need friends right now. I don't actually have any in life. And my family are too old fashioned "men are strong and emotionless" to really talk to about this. Me and Leannon met last year. We hit it off amazingly and dated for seven month. Breaking up in September. Perfect relationship. Without exaggeration. Our two personalities matched perfectly. We were both spiritual. Our morals matched, our views matched. Our passions. We shared hobbies. Both loved nature. Our communication was phenomenal we never argued once. Our sex life was great. But more than anything we both loved one another unconditionally. And in doing so it made us both love ourselves too. She frequently thanked me for making her love herself and her life again. And in loving me she even made an eating disorder I was diagnosed with at 12 practically vanish. So much so I was even comfortable taking my shirt off in the garden if she was with me. Utterly perfect life. The day we broke up she confessed that our date (was supposed to be the next day) was for her to ask me to officially be her partner because she knew I wanted children one day and she wanted to come off contraceptives and try for a baby. We were everything I ever dreamt of. But, she was ten years younger than me. At 20 and 30 year old and it freaked me out to think of what society would think. So I foolishly broke it off. Months went by of no contact between us. But I thought about her daily and missed her and the family we could have made. So I reached out in March this year just asking how she was. In reality I wanted her back but was too afraid to say it. Our convo went nowhere. Lasted a day and then back to no contact. On the tenth of this month (June) I reached out again. This time, honestly. I laid it all out. Confessed that I still love her and think of her daily. How much I regret breaking us up. Why I did it. How stupid that was and how much I've changed and was ready to prove it to her if I got another chance. To my surprise she replied saying she thinks of me every day too. And her heart leapt at my message. But she is now in a relationship with "bf" (her old best friend whom everyone knew had a crush on her) and whilst the love she has for him is diffenret to what she feels for me she still wants to make it work. But if she could be selfish she does still want us to meet up and talk and try being friends. That was on the Monday. By the Friday we had spoken morning to night every day and arranged to go for coffee and a hike since we both love nature. Before the coffee we both confessed we were terrified. But once the day started we instantly snapped into old ways and talked like nothing ever happened. No fear at all. It was amazing. She liked the bouquet of flowers I made her and told me "bf knows I'm seeing you today and if he doesn't like the flowers that's his problem" we went on our hike. And for hours we spoke Openly and honestly. It was amazing. I confessed my feelings. Apologised for leaving. Told her how much I love her and want to try again. She confessed that if I had said this in March instead it would have been instantly yes. Or if bf wasn't around it would be yes. And that she's glad it was me and not bf with her that day because he would have complained the entire time about being outside. She also admitted that she's stopped shaving and gained weight and hates how she looks now but there's no point in making effort since her and bf just stay indoors all day if she's not in work. This broke my heart because she adores being in nature. She's very social and she's always loved taking pride in her appearance. She told me that bf started as just a sexual rebound that started in December but feelings didn't start growing until march time for him and she only stayed because her tarot cards told her that if she didn't stay with him he'd walk away and she'd lose him as a friend for good. So she wants to keep trying with him. But she knows I'm an amazing person with a great heart and she still wants to keep seeing me for adventures. I dropped her off home and she accidently forgot her great grandmas purse in my car. As well as the love letters I wrote for her. So I offered to drop them off and she responded saying "I'd like the letters. I know I'm with bf but you wrote them so I'd like to have them. And as for the purse. Keep it until our next adventure. It feels good knowing it's safe with you" so I went to bed that night with love and hope. The next morning we were joking about and waiting for her work schedule so we could plan our lakes trip since it's a dream of hers to go. But she suddenly went silent. And stayed silent for five days. During that time I spiralled. I had panic attacks for the first time in my life. They were constant and every few hours every day. My thoughts spiraled. I kept trying to think what happened or went wrong. I started spamming her with fun messages. Selfies of sheep I saw on my road trips and the like. Eventually as the days went on and I found myself constantly panicking and crying I started getting bad. The messages turned into love confessions and pleading and telling her how much pain I'm in without her and how we should fix it because I know she still loves me too and we're meant to be together blah blah blah. On the Wednesday she messaged. It turned out her phone had broken Saturday morning. She wasn't ignoring me. She genuinely had no way to contact me and was too ill to make any real effort to do so. But her entire energy had changed. She felt angry and cold. Now saying "I no longer love you, I don't miss our relationship. I'm happy with bf and it's staying that way. So I'm cutting ties and I'll not speak until I come pick up my purse." this destroyed me. But as much as I tried she wasn't interested in changing her mind. So I let it be. We didn't speak for a week and in that week I turned unhealthy. I became obsessed. I never messaged her. But I did spent fortunes in petrol traveling the country trying not to think about her. I dreamt of her nightly. Only getting 3hrs of sleep. I couldn't eat a bite. I painted her portrait to try make myself feel better and show my love for her. I went to a bar she used to work at just to have some sort of connection to her. It was all incredibly unhealthy. And of course she heard about it. So when I reached out yesterday to ask if she was well enough to pick up her purse she again very coldy told me that she needs to cut ties. And that it was becoming unhealthy and frankly freaking her out. Which I actually do get. I hate the person I turned into. I've never done anything like it in my life. Yesterday she picked up her purse. She looks awkward and annoyed. We hardly said any words. And she didn't want to see Leo my dog. I offered for her to say hi to him one last time since she always loved him when we were together. She asked for her purse and I handed her a bag. In it we're the love letters. Her purse and the painting I did of her. She rejected it. Said she only wants the purse. Took it and left. I was admittedly overwhelmed by sadness and anger for the way she's treat me for the last two weeks so I just slammed the door as she left. I regret that. She got home. And blocked me on all socials. (something she didn't even do when we first broke up last year. And I can't help but think it's because it hurts more this time) But my issue is. I can't stop panicking. My chest feels like it'll explode. I can't turn off this constant "do your healing but she is still the girl you're destined to marry so don't give up" or "she still loves you. Everything she's done shows that. The universe signs and coincidences show that. She's just denying it because she doenst want to lose bf for good" thought process. Today is a better day. I've kept busy with a very lnog drive and a long hike and it helped. I feel much more human again. In fact I was even happy. But lord I miss her. Is there hope?

Bio

Recent forum posts

Considering Therapy?

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio

Recent forum posts

Considering Therapy?

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Personal Conversation Requests

General Conversation Requests

New Messages