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Pamphilos
1 148 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts13 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes16 Current upvotes16 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2019 Member sinceJuly 17, 2019
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I'm missing my narcissist
Relationship Stress / by Pamphilos
Last post
 July 21st, 2019
...See more We started a relationship almost 8 years ago. It has been such a tumultuous relationship but for some reason we just kept trying. But when I look back and go over events with my therapist and I wonder if both of us were working towards the same goals. I know I love her and I know she loved me. There's no question about that. The thing that always caused issues was when she would find fault in something I'd done. Let's focus on the BIG issue she had with me. The fricken phone. She has an unhealthy attachment to her phone which sometimes is puzzling. So if I didn't answer or respond to a call in a timely manner, or rather her predetermined time frame, I was made to suffer. At first I would apologize and try and be more considerate. But then I would be at work or talking to my kids or mowing or any other every day occurrence and I'd miss a call. So now it became annoying how I would be made to feel like I was inconsiderate and not full filling her needs. The phone is just one thing that I never got right. Good Lord there were so many things I wouldn't get right. But I never gave up. Of course there would be times when the assaults became too much and I would just go away. In the begriming I was strong and I just shut it down and walked away. In the middle I somehow began to agree with her and I would walk on eggshells around her. I was at her beck and call and even though I knew what I had done was right, she would find a problem. So the Marine in me would fight and fight and fight because I knew I could be all she needed me to be but I just needed to make sure things were exactly the way she needed. Let's fast forward to last May. By now I was self medicating. My Mom had been diagnosed with Alzheimer. I was torn between two states which were around 900 miles apart. I was driving that route 2 or 3 times a week. She was being demanding about marriage. I crashed big time. Basically, I ended up in a treatment facility. She would call every day. Maybe 2 or 3 times and tell me how proud she was of me and how much she loved me. I was doing so well and looking forward to a clean and sober life. So on a Wednesday morning I was at the gym and she text me saying good morning. I said it was leg day and she said my legs were fantastic. And then......nothing. I never heard from her again. No explanation. So day after day I was who she loved and supported and then, gone. Now, this sent me in a self destructive spiral. I didn't know what I had done wrong. I was hospitalized. I was medicated. I became this horrible isolated shell of who I was. Not a pleasant sight. Then one day came a call that cleared everything up. See, her Mom and I have always been close and from time to time she would check on me. She knew what I had gone through and she felt the pain. So the phone rang and it was her. Not Mom but HER. She lashed out at me for talking to her Mom. She said so many hurtful things but the one thing that changed my whole line of thinking was this. Before I went to rehab she wanted to have sex with me. Like constantly. It was incredible because she wanted ME that way. So that was one of the question I had when she threw me away. Why? Her answer. "I just needed to get off". Yup. That was the answer. So I hung up. Bawled for about 10 minutes and then it hit me right in the face. She is just a nasty, manipulating, dysfunctional narcissist. And there it was. So with that bit of info I pulled up my big boy pants and did some major internal analysis. Yup, I thrived. I became strong and happy and everyone in my life was so happy for me and wanted to be a part of my life. I started making plans to move to the most beautiful place on earth in my eyes. You could not stop me. Christmas. Ahh Christmas. The inevitable. She sent me an email saying Merry Christmas and hoped I was well. I replied things were good and best of wishes to her too. Then she started with the love bombing. "I miss you" "I didn't mean to hurt you" "why couldn't we make it work" Let's just get to right now. Somehow I got engaged, planned on moving where I would have been miserable, so many things. Today? It's been about a month since I walked away. No explanation. Changed my phone number. Blocked her on email. Deleted FB and Messenger. It's a good thing. But, tonight I miss her. But actually, riting this has kicked me in the ass again and I'm more inclined to say "THANK GOD SHE'S GONE"!!!!!
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I lied to myself...
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by Pamphilos
Last post
 July 22nd, 2019
...See more Meth!!! What the hell was going through my mind? Oh, ya....divorced, no job, no friends and all I wanted to do was isolate. I had a stupid job where the Devil walked into my life. She showed me some fun and a group of people who never judged. They didn't judge because all of us were Tweakers who didn't amount to s%^t. So there's where I decided to stay. Fast forward. I was pretty much needing it day to day. My Mom had been diagnosed with alzhiemers. I spent alot of the time on the road back and forth between my home here and 12 hours away to help with my Mom. And I used so I would be able to function on little sleep. And throw in a horrible Narsisitic GF and now I used just to avoid her and everything else going on. I was using so much that I became friends with "My Guy" so I always got a good deal. Just like alot of Tweakers, I only used when I was alone. About a year ago I admitted myself into a 30 day program. Fantastic results and I felt so good about myself. Came back home excited about life only to be stabbed in the back, manipulated, lied to, decieved. And I looked like an ass because she of course had a story that had her playing the role of victim. So I went to see "MY Guy". Now things have gotten better. I walked away from that toxic relationship. I'm moving away from this dysfunctional area. I'm doing good. But, I cant stop getting high. I lie and justify my addiction because I'm a fully functional adult. That of course is accounting for the few days I don't have time to smoke and then the crash. Oh so pleasant. Anyway, I just needed to express myself. I know I'll stop where I'm moving to. There I feel grounded and centered. And I have a group of people who are positive and motivated. Thank you for listening.
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