I lied to myself...
Meth!!!
What the hell was going through my mind? Oh, ya....divorced, no job, no friends and all I wanted to do was isolate. I had a stupid job where the Devil walked into my life. She showed me some fun and a group of people who never judged. They didn't judge because all of us were Tweakers who didn't amount to s%^t. So there's where I decided to stay.
Fast forward. I was pretty much needing it day to day. My Mom had been diagnosed with alzhiemers. I spent alot of the time on the road back and forth between my home here and 12 hours away to help with my Mom. And I used so I would be able to function on little sleep. And throw in a horrible Narsisitic GF and now I used just to avoid her and everything else going on. I was using so much that I became friends with "My Guy" so I always got a good deal. Just like alot of Tweakers, I only used when I was alone.
About a year ago I admitted myself into a 30 day program. Fantastic results and I felt so good about myself. Came back home excited about life only to be stabbed in the back, manipulated, lied to, decieved. And I looked like an ass because she of course had a story that had her playing the role of victim.
So I went to see "MY Guy". Now things have gotten better. I walked away from that toxic relationship. I'm moving away from this dysfunctional area. I'm doing good. But, I cant stop getting high. I lie and justify my addiction because I'm a fully functional adult. That of course is accounting for the few days I don't have time to smoke and then the crash. Oh so pleasant.
Anyway, I just needed to express myself. I know I'll stop where I'm moving to. There I feel grounded and centered. And I have a group of people who are positive and motivated. Thank you for listening.
@Pamphilos
Just an FYI. I've been addicted for 7 years.
@Pamphilos I've only done meth once. My d.o.c. was any Rx narcotic like Vics, Percs, Oxys .. then I'd do benzo's when I was out to help the detox like Valium or Ativans. This was all in my late teens/early 20's. Then when I was 26 I met my now husband. I think if I would've never met him, I'd still be a prostitute and doing narcotics. Yea, I was selling my a$$ for the pills also. My mother knew and didn't really care. She let me use her house to see a trick, just as long as I give her half the money I made. I really had no support in my life. Is that one reason you continue what you're doing? Now I am almost 34 and I suffer from paranoia and anxiety. That's a long term side effect of narcotics. They screw up your brain! I think you can do a lot better. You said you no longer see that disturbing g/f? Find one that supports you. I am sure you have goals for your future, but the drugs are holding you back. I always loved cars. I met my now husband and we opened an auto shop. He made me quit the pills though. I did it cold turkey basically. You can do it. Rehab or yourself. The mental high is useless. Getting high on a happy, safe, prosperous life is better. Drugs just drag us all down.
@TransAm85
I'm so glad you replied. My heart breaks when I hear stories like yours. But it sounds like you're moving forward. Thank you for replying.
@Pamphilos Now I want you to move forward also. I know how you feel. But you can do so much better. You know what's even worse? I have a minor case of epilepsy. So I was getting high off those pills and half the time it was causing me to have more seizures. Now since I've been clean for almost 7 years, my seizures have diminished to minor black outs here and there. I hope you will find your way. :)