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Parad0xity
1 1,018 M Little Steps 2
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts23 Forum posts6 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2019 Member sinceSeptember 30, 2017
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Relationship Stress / by Parad0xity
Last post
 July 27th, 2018
...See more The man I am currently talking to is wonderful and kind. He doesnt push or pressure me in any way and I feel so comfortable with him. But a problem Im starting to have is that were at the point in the relationship where sexual discussion typically comes into conversation. And when it has I dont know how to act or how to respond. I am more of a shy person when it comes to that thing and he says he likes that about me. I feel like talking about sex too soon can be disrespectful to myself and give someone the wrong impression. However when it IS okay and it is the time to talk about even something small I get so flustered it starts to upset me. I cant wrap my head around how I feel or how to express what Im feeling. He says I come off as innocent and he finds that cute, and to be honest I dont know what to say to that because Im NOT innocent. I have my own thoughts and desires Im just not comfortable with saying them as soon as most people would be. Two years ago I was with someone that was very mentally abusive. For a long while I didnt understand that and it took me a long time to find myself afterwards and Im still finding some parts of me. At the time I didnt comprehend the situation, but Ive begun confronting the fact that he sexually abused me. He raped me and I couldnt even call it that for over a year because he had manipulated me so badly. And I may not have known what to call it but I knew the way it made me feel. It still makes me afraid. It makes me hyper aware of how the person Im currently seeing acts and what he says. Its not always bad to be cautious but I shouldnt feel afraid of him hurting me. I feel afraid that if I allow those kinds of conversations too soon the way I did with the monster that hurt me then it will happen again even though I know thats not realistic. The man Im seeing now is respectful, direct, and open. I think I just need to be careful with myself. Its hard because I cant tell him what Im going through yet. I feel like all I can do is just be careful not to push myself, and give myself time to feel ready. I wish I didnt feel anxious when I think about sex.
Best friend of almost 10 years. Was I a bad friend?
Relationship Stress / by Parad0xity
Last post
 June 21st, 2018
...See more Im not really sure where to start. Ive been friends with her for almost 10 years. Lets say well call her Bren and me Ally. I met Bren at my church years ago. I was young, ridiculously shy, and didnt really have friends. Ive recently realized I had a complex and am still working through it because of how mean people were to me when I was so young. I was walked onand treated like a nuisance. Id like to stop and say this might be long but I dont want to skip anything. I need to write this out step by step to help myself work through it because Im extremely confused and have been for the last year. If anyone reads all the way through Id really appreciate input. But anyway, because of how I was treated, when Bren began talking to me like I actually mattered, she acknowledged me, I clung to her. It made me feel cared about and thats how our friendship started. She was the kind of person that would go around giving hugs to people even if she didnt truly know them and me being so reclusive at first thought she was a bit strange. But because of how kind she was I felt included when others never included me. She made me feel important. We shared a room together at a summer camp and became close. My parents were extremely over protective and overbearing and tried to be careful of everything I took in. Her parents were the complete opposite. My parents caused had a lot of problems and caused me to go through things I shouldnt have had to gone through. They were aggressive with no boundaries and no back bones. They decided that they didnt trust Brens influence on me and that started years of weekly fights with my parents, every time I wanted to see her, that were extremely damaging to my mental health not to mention mine and my parents relationships. That on top of many other issues made me hate my parents. I fought for her as a friend for years and dealt with a lot that a teenager should have had to deal with. Shes always had mental illness. Whether shes bipolar or just has a variety of depression and mood swings I dont know. But I do know being three years younger than her and as young as I was I did my absolute best to be there for her. She always had a boyfriend and something was always going wrong. Whether it was a boyfriend cheating on her, her mother being cruel, a fight with her dad, her dog getting hit by a car, or her previous friend treating her like garbage, I always did my best to be there. And I remember many, many times either being by her side or having her head in my lap while she had a complete meltdown. That went on for years. When she graduated high school she moved a couple states away. And even then we stayed close, we still talked, and when we didnt talk it was okay because we both knew we were still there, we still loved and supported each other. She would randomly show up at my house occasionally and surprise me with a visit. Id see her every few months. She decided that she hated the State I live in because that was where all of her problems were growing up and she didnt want to go back to that. It made me sad that she felt that way. But the problem wasnt my State. It was the way she lived and let people treat her. When she was 19 she eloped to someone she met working where she was living at that time. It hurt that I wasnt there but I accepted it because that was who she was and something shed do. They argued too much which kind of upset and worried me but he was nice and for the most part they seemed happy. I could tell he wanted what was best for her and accepted who she was. Things always seemed at least a little bad in some way. Something was always stressful. We didnt know it could get worse or how much worse. And it got a lot worse.
A Paradox Diary
Journals & Diaries / by Parad0xity
Last post
 April 24th, 2018
...See more Okay. So I already feel naked and I just started typing. I need to start from the beginning and maybe find some missing puzzles pieces. Im the youngest of three. My siblings are several years older than me. I remember never feeling 100% that I belonged to my brother or my sister. We went to a small Methodist church when I was little. There were 5 kids including my siblings and I and the other boy and girl were my brother and sisters age. I remember them having their friends and always feeling like I had to beg to be included. I didn't feel loved and looked after, I felt left behind. My sister wanted nothing to do with me and later became an aggressive bully until I got fed up with her. My brother eventually became a bit distant and didn't want to spend much time with me. Later when they all had friends I still didn't. .. ..
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