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@Parad0xity

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

The man I am currently talking to is wonderful and kind. He doesnt push or pressure me in any way and I feel so comfortable with him. But a problem Im starting to have is that were at the point in the relationship where sexual discussion typically comes into conversation. (You didn't mentioned which person starts this discussions, but I will assume he is the one that initiates them the most. I sense that he probably doesn't know how to start the sexual act and it's unsure or perhaps afraid of rejection so he brings up this discussion to possibly communicate something he would love to do with you in an indirect so it wouldn't make you feel turn off) And when it has I dont know how to act or how to respond. (This could be fear of something, and he comes on a bit strong when it comes to his discussions.) I am more of a shy person when it comes to that thing and he says he likes that about me. I feel like talking about sex too soon can be disrespectful to myself and give someone the wrong impression. (It's not wrong if two people feel genuine attraction for one another, the problem is that the way he is bringing these discussions could potentially turn a woman off. The idea is to slowly build up, engage your emotions and then it could happen as you feel comfortable, but the way he is doing it comes across that he may not have the confidence) However when it IS okay and it is the time to talk about even something small I get so flustered it starts to upset me. (I don't know why exactly this happens, but the only thing that comes to mind is "I shouldn't be feeling this way", "what if he thinks wrong of me?", "I don't want him to think the worst of me".) I cant wrap my head around how I feel or how to express what Im feeling. He says I come off as innocent and he finds that cute, and to be honest I dont know what to say to that because Im NOT innocent. I have my own thoughts and desires Im just not comfortable with saying them as soon as most people would be. (It takes time, this does kind of shows you are not 100% comfortable with him, and it will take some time to reach that level)

Two years ago I was with someone that was very mentally abusive. For a long while I didnt understand that and it took me a long time to find myself (The relationship probably felt familiar, like you receive the wrong example of how relationship should be which is one of the reasons you stayed longer. These kind of relationship can definetly make you lose who you are, since there's a lot of fears involved that prevented you from leaving the relationship) afterwards and Im still finding some parts of me. (This tells me you haven't resolve, dealt and heal from what happened, so it's going to come back in flashbacks, nightmares and triggers) At the time I didnt comprehend the situation, but Ive begun confronting the fact that he sexually abused me. He raped me and I couldnt even call it that for over a year because he had manipulated me so badly. (That's awful of him to do, I could see why it was hard for you to comprehend what happened. He was being very negative to everything regarding your feelings about this, and it felt like an annihaliation to your feelings and as a person. It must had been really hurtful to go through something like this, you didn't deserve it) And I may not have known what to call it but I knew the way it made me feel.

It still makes me afraid. (It's completly understandable it makes you afraid, it was a very traumatic experience for you) It makes me hyper aware of how the person Im currently seeing acts and what he says. (The way he is bringing those discussions is a bit inappropiate, but it takes you back to that time where you were sexually abused. It's transferring where how you felt and what you went through its carried over to the next relationship) Its not always bad to be cautious but I shouldnt feel afraid of him hurting me.(That's true, but the trauma from that experience is still there) I feel afraid that if I allow those kinds of conversations too soon the way I did with the monster that hurt me then it will happen again even though I know thats not realistic. (I believe this is an unconcious way to be in control (not in a mean or negative way) of the situation, so what happen on the past doesn't occur in the present moment. You are terribly afraid of what happened in the past, rightfully so after the traumatic experience you went through. I do feel you need to seek professional help that will help you deal and heal with this traumatic experience, if not it's going to take over each time) The man Im seeing now is respectful, direct, and open.

I think I just need to be careful with myself. (It's very important to take your time to feel comfortable and safe with this step) Its hard because I cant tell him what Im going through yet. I feel like all I can do is just be careful not to push myself, and give myself time to feel ready. (Thats a good idea) I wish I didnt feel anxious when I think about sex.