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Parisalexander16
740 M Little Steps
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts20 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 9, 2017
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My boyfriend lied to me about having a child with his ex. He pretended that the child WAS his. Why did he lie?
Relationship Stress / by Parisalexander16
Last post
 February 22nd, 2021
...See more I’m going to be totally honest and accountable for my part in things. I gave this guy my virginity and dived in with no fear. Due to having no relationship experience and a sheltered life I was naive. And I allowed this guy to hurt me twice. I tried to be as accountable for my mistakes as possible and part of the process of healing is understanding what you did wrong TO the other person or understanding how you might have hurt them. I couldn’t come up with a single reason how I could have hurt this man and it led me to a dead end. So I decided to reflect on our past together and the one and only time I could have possibly hurt his feelings is when I broke up with him the first time. The reason I broke up with him is because when we met, he told me he didn’t have any kids. He seemed like a great guy, I was naive but I was selective. I thought I knew what to look for in a partner and he had it all. He was funny, charismatic, family oriented, confident...the list could go on. So was I. I thought that we were a great match and so did everybody around us. All his friends and family (as well as my friends) saw us as “relationship goals”. His little brother once commented that he wanted a relationship like ours. My first boyfriend, first kiss, and eventually he became my first love. We were 20 and 21 and I was under the impression that he had a “god daughter”. He had a tattoo of a girls name on his chest (his ex). I didn’t suspect he was lying about his relation to the child because I trusted him. I took the tattoo as a sign of how deeply he could love someone but I didn’t feel any jealousy. I trusted him. So one day he confessed that the “god daughter” was actually his real daughter with the girl whose name was tattooed on his chest. The name on his chest suddenly meant much more than just an ex who he hadn’t seen in a while. Suddenly the woman, the child, and him were family. How could he deny BOTH of them? I suspected that if he was lying, it must mean that I was actually the outsider in his life. That keeping them from me must actually mean he was keeping me from them because he was still seeing his “ex”. It just made sense. My respect for him dropped because I couldn’t fathom any respectable man denying his own child. And he-in my eyes-was too family oriented to do that. It just made me suspect that he was cheating on that girl with me. Even though he pursued me like a man with a goal (showing up to my job every day just to take and calling me or buying me gifts as well as taking me around his family and telling me he loved me first). It seems like he preyed upon me, and I didn’t know how to accept that he could do that to me. That was the first time I was in utter shock at how horrible he could treat me-where I felt devastated that he could actually go that far. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only time. After this first big heartbreak, I take accountability for my screw ups. I allowed myself to be made into the bad guy for losing trust and faith in him. He threw it in my face that his fatherhood scared me away because I didn’t want to accept his child-something he supposedly suspected from the beginning of our relationship (according to him). He told me I didn’t get it because I didn’t have kids. He made me feel like I was wrong and I thought that I had hurt him for impulsively breaking up with him and for not hearing him out rather than jumping to conclusions. But actually I wasn’t angry at him for being a dad. I was angry because he lied about it, and because he told me “I always wanted a daughter”...when he supposedly already had a daughter. Later, I found out that the little girl was not his daughter OR his ex girlfriends daughter. She was a his ex girlfriends cousins daughter whom she had adopted because her cousin was a deadbeat. So his original story about having a god daughter...was the truth all along. He had told me that she was his real daughter but he lied. She was not his daughter at all. Also, My exes “little brother” -the one who claimed to want something solid like what me and my first love had together-was actually his ex girlfriends little brother. My ex and him were just close, but not real brothers. They even lived together but they were not brothers. and I stupidly chose not to question him again because of my confusion and because it became apparent that if he could omit details about himself or even lie about his life, questioning him would do no good. I should have left and stayed gone, but I allowed myself to be blamed in that situation because I didn’t know any better. I figured that a child having a father figure was not a bad thing, but that dishonesty and refusal to incorporate me into his REAL life was a sign that he didn’t actually care about me. So after that, even when we got back together I had no trust in him whatsoever. It was bound to end after that
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