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PeriwinkleBunny
86 M Embraced
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts7 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2021 Member sinceSeptember 19, 2021
Recent forum posts
Lost and Scared
Relationship Stress / by PeriwinkleBunny
Last post
September 24th, 2021
...See more Lost and scared to even think about breaking up my relationship. Like most of you I have no one to really turn to when it comes to advice. I know I need to break it off because I know it’s not healthy at all but just thinking about it leaves me scared, alone, and anxious that I feel like sometimes I’m not strong enough to go through with it. My partner and I have been together for a little over two years. Right now we’re in the middle of attempting to try to apply for a K1-visa as he currently lives in another country. During our entire relationship I’ve spent around $5,000-$8,000 sending money to him. I didn’t initially have a problem with it until he basically started expecting it every time I got paid. He is a recovering addict and has focused his attention to other things to keep his mind off of things. Particularly he’s been into online games (ones that cost money in order to get further into the games) and he’s been addicted to it so much that if I’m out of money to pay for items in the game he literally gets so enraged and upset. I recently lost my job this year and I’ve had to rely on unemployment to help financially support my mom cause I’m still living with her. I’ve explained my situation to him but he’s very selfish that he’s even asked me to ask my parents for money for game. We’ve argued so much about it that at this point I just feel like I am being used for money. We do have some good moments but only if I’ve given in and sent money for him to use for game. When I’m not able to afford it, he tends to just ignore me and wallows in his sadness, telling me that he’s no good for me and that I should just let him die. Just recently he asked for $400 to spend in game, and I told him if I had that much money I would rather put it to use towards K1 Visa paperwork and attorneys fees to help with this, but he doesn’t care about that. At this point he’s been threatening suicide if he doesn’t get $50 for game. He’s always says he’s in hospital and sends me hospital photos. I’ve had my doubts about him being truly suicidal but at the same time part of me doesn’t want to see him hurt himself. He’s even told me he will have his friends send me a picture of his dead body so that I know he’s not joking but I feel like it’s a manipulation tactic. But I try to be understanding but he even picks fights with me and intentionally blames me for the financial situation or would tell me that I don’t care enough about him if I don’t ask how he is coming from the hospital. This relationship has given me such anxiety but the reason why I’ve stayed this long is because of the way he made me feel loved and cared for. I see glimpses of the caring and loving person he is deep down but I feel so lost because the person I’m dealing with today is not the same one I fell in love in the beginning. He is a caring and loving person when he wants to be, he’s very affectionate and attentive to my feelings and consistent with being trustworthy, loyal and affectionate. Maybe I’m just trying to hold onto that hope that the person I fell in love is still inside, just suffering from some mental disorders/addiction issues. 😞 I’m the type to want to fix things and if I can help him I would but at this point I can’t help but feel used and manipulated and hurt. I know I need to end the relationship but at the same I’m scared to because I know he will be threatening again. I know illogical to be scared because he is out of the country, he can’t possibly do anything. But I know him, and I know that when he is upset, he can be very vindictive and resentful. As of right now he currently has access to all of my social media and vice versa, I have access to all of his. I just don’t know what to do or how to go about doing it. But I also feel like, I’m not strong enough to end it, only because I feel like ending it means it was a failure. And I hate failing at things. I’d rather stick it out than have it fail. It’s stupid I know, but as it is I already feel like I am failing at life. I’m unmarried, no kids, no house of my own, recently lost my job of 9 years that I was hoping to work at until I retire, I have depression and I have no motivation to even get out of bed some days. I know I shouldn’t compare my life to others but I see other members in my family reaching these milestones, having children, buying homes, that I can’t help but feel envious but also further depressed because I feel stuck on my life and I’m not moving forward. Also, coming from an Asian family, the feelings of not being a failure are also really strong. I’m getting so much pressure to get married and have a family that I feel like I’m giving that up also by breaking it off. And I am also scared that my feelings for him will dredge up while trying to break it off that I just don’t go through with it, or if I do that I will go back to him because he is a comfort for me. In a weird way I don’t know how to explain it. I should be angry at him for the way he’s treated me but weirdly I don’t. I know I deserve better but at this point I just don’t think it’s possible for me.