Lost and Scared
Lost and scared to even think about breaking up my relationship. Like most of you I have no one to really turn to when it comes to advice. I know I need to break it off because I know it’s not healthy at all but just thinking about it leaves me scared, alone, and anxious that I feel like sometimes I’m not strong enough to go through with it. My partner and I have been together for a little over two years. Right now we’re in the middle of attempting to try to apply for a K1-visa as he currently lives in another country. During our entire relationship I’ve spent around $5,000-$8,000 sending money to him. I didn’t initially have a problem with it until he basically started expecting it every time I got paid. He is a recovering addict and has focused his attention to other things to keep his mind off of things. Particularly he’s been into online games (ones that cost money in order to get further into the games) and he’s been addicted to it so much that if I’m out of money to pay for items in the game he literally gets so enraged and upset. I recently lost my job this year and I’ve had to rely on unemployment to help financially support my mom cause I’m still living with her. I’ve explained my situation to him but he’s very selfish that he’s even asked me to ask my parents for money for game. We’ve argued so much about it that at this point I just feel like I am being used for money. We do have some good
moments but only if I’ve given in and sent money for him to use for game. When I’m not able to afford it, he tends to just ignore me and wallows in his sadness, telling me that he’s no good for me and that I should just let him die. Just recently he asked for $400 to spend in game, and I told him if I had that much money I would rather put it to use towards K1 Visa paperwork and attorneys fees to help with this, but he doesn’t care about that. At this point he’s been threatening suicide if he doesn’t get $50 for game. He’s always says he’s in hospital and sends me hospital photos. I’ve had my doubts about him being truly suicidal but at the same time part of me doesn’t want to see him hurt himself. He’s even told me he will have his friends send me a picture of his dead body so that I know he’s not joking but I feel like it’s a manipulation tactic. But I try to be understanding but he even picks fights with me and intentionally blames me for the financial situation or would tell me that I don’t care enough about him if I don’t ask how he is coming from the hospital. This relationship has given me such anxiety but the reason why I’ve stayed this long is because of the way he made me feel loved and cared for. I see glimpses of the caring and loving person he is deep down but I feel so lost because the person I’m dealing with today is not the same one I fell in love in the beginning. He is a caring and loving person when he wants to be, he’s very affectionate and attentive to my feelings and consistent with being trustworthy, loyal and affectionate. Maybe I’m just trying to hold onto that hope that the person I fell in love is still inside, just suffering from some mental disorders/addiction issues. 😞 I’m the type to want to fix things and if I can help him I would but at this point I can’t help but feel used and manipulated and hurt. I know I need to end the relationship but at the same I’m scared to because I know he will be threatening again. I know illogical to be scared because he is out of the country, he can’t possibly do anything. But I know him, and I know that when he is upset, he can be very vindictive and resentful. As of right now he currently has access to all of my social media and vice versa, I have access to all of his. I just don’t know what to do or how to go about doing it. But I also feel like, I’m not strong enough to end it, only because I feel like ending it means it was a failure. And I hate failing at things. I’d rather stick it out than have it fail. It’s stupid I know, but as it is I already feel like I am failing at life. I’m unmarried, no kids, no house of my own, recently lost my job of 9 years that I was hoping to work at until I retire, I have depression and I have no motivation to even get out of bed some days. I know I shouldn’t compare my life to others but I see other members in my family reaching these milestones, having children, buying homes, that I can’t help but feel envious but also further depressed because I feel stuck on my life and I’m not moving forward. Also, coming from an Asian family, the feelings of not being a failure are also really strong. I’m getting so much pressure to get married and have a family that I feel like I’m giving that up also by breaking it off. And I am also scared that my feelings for him will dredge up while trying to break it off that I just don’t go through with it, or if I do that I will go back to him because he is a comfort for me. In a weird way I don’t know how to explain it. I should be angry at him for the way he’s treated me but weirdly I don’t. I know I deserve better but at this point I just don’t think it’s possible for me.
To be quite honest I don’t know if it’s just because I have a trauma bond with him but deep down I know we understand to each other. And I know why he is the way he is. He was assaulted when he was younger and his family never really believed what had happened to him. To deal with and numb the pain, he took drugs, heavy drugs. I don’t think he has fully hit rock bottom yet but he did tell me he was trying to do better. To be a better person for himself and for me, cause he feels I do deserve better and he wants to become the man I know he can be. So he actively stopped using, but has instead replaced his addiction with something else. I still love him tremendously and part of the reason why I stayed was to see if he could change, or at least be willing to change. He told me he wants to and has tried to attempt to change, but often fails and reverts back to his bad behavior. I love him tremendously and I want to see him succeed. I’ve done everything to try and help him financially, emotionally, but I’m just running out of options here. He has such a low self esteem, even me trying to lift up his spirits it doesn’t last for long. I’m sorry for writing this long drawn out read but I didn’t want to leave anything out
@PeriwinkleBunny
Hi--I noticed nobody's responded to this yet. 💜 I'm really sorry that you're going through all of that. I'm just going to summarize my understanding of what you've shared.
You're in a relationship with someone who has a history of trauma, and his way of coping with it was that he became heavily addicted to drugs. For your sake and his sake, he tried to stop using drugs, but he's become addicted to games instead, which has been just as bad in its own way.
You've sent him thousands of dollars in money and have been trying to help him apply for a visa. However, he's been using the money you send him entirely for gaming, he expects you to give him money whenever you're paid, he gets furious if you don't give money, and he's even gone so far as to ask your parents for money. This is despite the fact that your own financial situation has been difficult since you lost your job and you've trying to use your unemployment pay to support your mom.
These are some of the reasons I'm hearing for wanting to break up with him:
- The situation doesn't feel like it's healthy for you or him
- Currently he's approaching things in a really selfish way and not really considering your feelings/needs
- You feel like he's using you for money to support his addiction and not respecting the challenges of your own financial situation
- He's not working toward certain things that you feel are important and matter (e.g. visa, attorneys)
- He's threatened suicide if you don't pay him, which feels manipulative
- He's blamed you for his financial situation despite the fact that it is entirely his responsibility
- When you fail to give him what he wants, he gets extremely angry and is disrespectful
- The whole situation has been very anxious and stressful for you, and you have your own mental health issues you're dealing with (e.g. depression)
These are some of the reasons I'm hearing for not feeling comfortable breaking up:
- Imagining being alone after ending the relationship feels really scary and lonely
- You care about his well-being and don't want him to be hurting
- There are still some good moments and glimpses of the person you fell in love with who is affectionate, caring, trustworthy, etc.
- You want to believe that there is hope that he might be able to improve
- You feel scared that he might retaliate and do something extreme to hurt you if you break up with him
- You feel like you don't have the conviction or strength yet to be able to break off the relationship
- You feel like there's some powerful pressure on you (both from your family and from within) to get married and have a family; you're not really satisfied with how you're doing on certain key life goals (i.e. marriage, kids/house, job) so ending this relationship might feel like a step backwards or like you're failing to make progress on those goals
- You're afraid that your feelings for him and loneliness might resurface if you try to break up and might cause you to not be able to follow through with it, or to try to return to him after you've broken up
- You feel like maybe there isn't anything better out there than what you currently have
- You feel a really deep bond with him and like the two of you understand each other in a way that would be hard to replace
***
Here are a few resources I was able to find related to being in a relationship with someone who has an addiction.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-recovery-101/201802/8-ways-help-when-loving-someone-addiction
https://americanaddictioncenters.org/rehab-guide/married-to-a-drug-addict
https://www.addictioncenter.com/community/supporting-romantic-partner-addiction-recovery/
https://www.northpointrecovery.com/blog/10-steps-take-now-youre-married-addict/
Based on skimming through, some of the main tips I'm seeing are:
- Set boundaries, respect your own needs/feelings, and try to do what you need to do in order to protect yourself and ensure your own happiness
- Read/learn as much as you can about addiction and particularly codependency (i.e. situation where the partner of someone who's experiencing an addiction sacrifices themselves for their partner's sake with the hope of helping/supporting them but it ends up feeding the addiction and leaving them feeling really stressed/resentful)
- Take care of yourself; you deserve to be happy and your feelings matter
If you'd like to talk about any of this, feel free to schedule a chat with me. Alternatively, HERE is a list of experienced listeners who take 1-on-1 chats on relationship stress.
