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PixelOpal
14,175 M Pacing Forward 10
PathStep 25 Compassion hearts1,154 Forum posts27 Forum upvotes23 Current upvotes23 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2023 Member sinceApril 9, 2015
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Diary of an average PTSD sufferer - supporting comments welcome
Journals & Diaries / by PixelOpal
Last post
 September 30th, 2022
...See more I wouldn't Say Average but I am freaking out a bit and decided to come here to vent. Well no one in the group chat will acknowledge my existence, my listener read 3 sentences and disconnected and I am out of options. Maybe someone will read this maybe not. When I turned 18 I was involved in a drive-by shooting that was the initial incident causing severe PTSD. I can no longer stand anyone behind me and have the overwhelming fear that everyone will harm me if I say or do the wrong thing. I am Disabled and live off of a small Social security disability check, I make less than $16,000 a year. My settlement was enough however to purchase a house outright. No rent, No mortgage, and low yearly tax payments. Saves a lot on bills. Well, my brothers and mother were having a rough time when I bought my house so I moved them in with me. It was a great idea, they would work and we would live cheaply. This was 5 years ago now. They have no job, barely help keep anything clean, and only to make snide comments that I don't keep the house clean, and they sit around playing video games on the internet that I pay for. This wouldn't be so bad but I pay for the food and everything else. I'm trying so hard to get through college so I might be able to get back to work (with every semester it is looking less likely I will find gainful employment). They aren't trying at all. My older brother, with no skills, thinks he is worth $25/hr and wants to work within walking distance of the house. Yea, there isn't anything like that near here. My younger brother just refuses to discuss work. If I mention somewhere is hiring he walks away and shuts his door. My car broke down. I have been fixing it for a month. If I had the money I could have PAID a damn shop to fix it and it would be working. I am not a mechanic. I am tired of trying to get it working. I had a breakdown today after getting home from classes because they are all asleep and I need to fix my car still and do several group projects. But I should just shut up and pay the bills. Take my Ativan and calm down because they shouldn't have to deal with me. I'm exhausted.
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Ball of self hatred
Anxiety Support / by PixelOpal
Last post
 June 17th, 2019
...See more I'm sorry this might be long and typo ridden(phone keyboard) I am 30 years old and disabled. Already no one believes me. It is mental. PTSD. The short of it is I was shot from behind while riding my bike in a drive by. I thought my brother had died for a moment and it screwed with me. Now I have back problems. It hurts. I lay awake at night and cry in pain until my eyes burn and i pass out. Drs dont believe me. They have MRI's that show scoliosis bone spurs and other bone malformations but I cant be in pain. The meds they give me dont work. (I take 12 pills a day) I live off of social security disability. My brothers and mother live with me. (My house I bought it it's in my name) they dont work. They eat 5-6 meals a day and are gross. My mom has rheumatoid arthritis. But my brothers are fine. It has been 2 years without an interview. They are always criticizing how I spend my money and mad that I cant afford more. Everyone says throw them out hit I cant. I mentally cannot force them out. My dad is an alcoholic running from a DUI charge. And he demands I pay for cigarettes and other things. All this and I went back to school. I'm at a 4.0. But there is more stress. 3 months it took to get my financial aide cause they said I wasn't getting anything but loans. My school provides medical, IF you are CURRENTLY ENROLLED. I am desperately trying to get into the last summer semester before too late but cant get my money. And I sit here and stare at the walls wondering why I have
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We just wanted to be healthy pt1
Trauma Support / by PixelOpal
Last post
 May 12th, 2016
...See more The summer after I turned 18 my family worked at the local Burger King (mom my two brothers and myself) my younger brother and I decided it was time for us to get into shape. We went to the store and purchased bikes with all sorts of accessories (mirrors, lights, nice seats, gloves, and other fun toys) we put everything together and it had gotten late. We left the house wanting to see how our lights worked and made it maybe 6 houses up the road. We heard them coming, my brother shouted "car" and I remember telling him "they will see us. That is why we got the lights" I hate that sentance with everything I have. I heard three cracks, loud like snapping wood, almost dull, my brother yelled out and another crack and he went quiet. There were three more while I tried to turn to see what was wrong. The next two hit me and I fell to the ground. Two more cracks and I watched the tail lights of a small black four door drive away. It seemed like an eternity ad I laid there in the road. All I could think was my little brother was dead and I was going to follow him. Suddenly my brother started swearing and I heard "they fucking shot us". I realized at that point the bullets had not been real. They were frozen paint balls. Had they not defrosted a little it still could have killed us. My shoulder was broken from the fall and my brother could not see out of his left eye. The police told us that with the description we had of the car there was little chance we would see justice
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