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RedGiraffe44
1 3,243 M Seeking Light
PathStep 10 Compassion hearts149 Forum posts39 Forum upvotes60 Current upvotes60 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2026 Member sinceNovember 21, 2014
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I feel tortured by my past. I need encouragement and healing
Trauma Support / by RedGiraffe44
Last post
 February 25th
...See more So in high school (I'm 30 now), social media had just started. I had been abused in middle school and got bullied online back when everyone used Myspace for trying to fit in with cool kids (people I thought were cool back then anyway). Because of all this, come highschool, I was dreading going to school and thought "this is going to be 10x worse", so I kept to myself and just tried to do my work because my family wasn't going to be able to help (they peaked in high school and were angry that I wasn't socializing enough. They didn't know what I was dealing with at the time.) Freshman year came and I had a huge crush on this girl who apparently liked me back but I didn't learn this until it was too late. I was too busy keeping my head down trying to survive and stay out of trouble. She had gotten over me or assumed I was some playboy for some reason and felt angry that I wanted to talk to her online. I literally didn't say a word to almost anyone in four years and I somehow had that reputation lol. Struggling with my trauma from before, online seemed like the safest place to try and connect, it always has tbh. It was awkward and confusing but I told her I liked her and she kinda melted but was already over me at the same time so it didn't work. I really wanted to get to know her without risking getting bullied again. I had social anxiety for sure...so I couldn't help but look her up on the Internet and wherever I could find stuff about her, I tried to find it. It felt wrong but it was out there in the open so it was like this rabbit hole. Plus, no one was teasing me or embarrassing me about it so I kept doing it. Somehow, she found out I was doing that (no idea how) and she posted "That is creepy." on her Twitter days later. My heart sunk. I thought I was going to jail or something. Like super cryptic and everything. Everyone in high school found out about it and I became an enemy all of a sudden to people that I never even talked to. I dealt with the aftermath garbage until senior year and people were like "I can't believe he did that." I counted down the days until high school ended Every. Single. Day. after that. Here I was, alone, no one to talk to about my struggles with high school (my only real friend went to another school and ignored me whenever I opened up about my struggles and my parents didn't understand that I was an introvert with trauma) and I finally started opening up and I instantly became a freak show to everyone. It was awful and I am still dealing with it apparently. I don't know why. I've been through these thoughts hundreds of times over the years. I have been single my entire life because of the trauma and just not knowing what to do with myself. I'm afraid of what is to come with romance if I even try nowadays. It took until five years ago of going to therapy to realize that it wasn't wrong to do what I did with that girl. It just wasn't the best thing to do in that situation. That's what my therapist said. I wish mom understood beforehand what happened. Instead, when she asked me back then why I wasn't socializing with people, I said "They think I'm a creep." And of course mom responded with a "Well...maybe you ARE a creep!" She was angry and frustrated. She didn't want me to miss out on "the best years of my life" Pfft...why bother living the rest of it if that was the case?! I knew it was BS. I've struggled with social anxiety disorder and depression since middle school and take medication now for it. I feel so incapable of romance and am afraid of even trying now. It hurts. I need encouragement. They called me obsessed and a creep back then. "F'd up" they said. They shamed me without even knowing who I was or what my story is. I'll never forget it. It still hurts. I just wanted to be safe. Please help me feel better.
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I hate my dad and my life for the effect of his alcoholism on my life
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by RedGiraffe44
Last post
 January 11th
...See more I'm an angry man most days because I have to put up with my parents and their sad, miserable life dealing with alcoholism. I just want to run away and start life somewhere else away from them and yet at the same time, I know I'll miss them. Something deep in my soul is desperate for freedom and release every moment of every day because of this and the rest of my problems (financial, relational, psychological, emotional, career, dreams, etc) and I joined in on the drinking and I don't have any money right now. I am trying to get a new job as a doggy daycare supervisor with a much better company (last one was toxic and dysfunctional) and I currently live with my aunt who never shuts up. I wish I were living alone and I'm just glad I have church and my Bible and video games to keep me sane as well as learning music. I'm just...tired. if I died tomorrow, I'm not sure if it would be a big deal to me as long as I go to heaven. I'm not suicidal. I'm not giving up. I'm just...sick of it all. Please pray for me...I'm so lonely and stressed and weak.
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Rough Christmas.
Trauma Support / by RedGiraffe44
Last post
 December 26th, 2025
...See more Merry Christmas. I'd love to be celebrating like usual but this year's Christmas is numbing and scary. We're in the middle of moving within the next week and my mom is losing it having to deal with it all by herself for the most part while my dad just suffered agonizing leg pain to the point where it sounded like he was going to cry and he just walked out on his own somehow just to go smoke a cigarette outside and I feel like I'm losing it myself. I don't want to deal with these two anymore. I love them but they are a mess and are probably just waiting to die at this point they are so miserable. My dad has been an alcoholic for longer than I've been alive and is always in the background of my life. I am moving to my aunt's thankfully but I don't think she is looking forward to having me around since I'm 30 and have struggled to keep jobs over the years...I hate my family tbh. So much neglect but at least they tried I guess. I don't even know if my church friends want to deal with me anymore now but hopefully I'm just catastrophizing since they are probably enjoying Christmas with their family. I feel like I'm going insane. If you believe in prayer like I do, PLEASE do so for our sake. I want to run and not come back so I can live my life and fulfill my desires and dreams and goals but I can't...
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I'm in a toxic workplace and had enough of these people
Work & Career / by RedGiraffe44
Last post
 December 20th, 2025
...See more I work at a doggy daycare and have been through highschool level drama because the assistant managers are like 20 and one of them tried hitting on me and got in trouble for it because I felt uncomfortable and kinda scared. This place has a 1.7 out of 5 stars on indeed.com [http://indeed.com] that I totally missed when applying at the time. I want to report this place because they just had us work in pitch black darkness with 40-50 dogs with nothing but flashlights because a storm knocked out the power. We did that ALL day. Sure, nothing bad happened but what if a dog got seriously hurt because of that?! I don't have another job lined up yet and I'm sure my mom won't like it if I just up and left but I'm 30 and have had 13 jobs since graduating college in 2018. 13!!! I go to therapy and I know no one is perfect but REALLY?! I looked it up online right, it says a doggy daycare should have a 1:5 human/dog ratio (we are 1:10), there's supposed to be a structured schedule for play and nap time every day (there isn't at all), safety should be number one priority (we're too busy taking 600-800 photos every day minimum with super specific demands because money) and daycares are supposed to give clients tours of the facility to know what they are dealing with (we don't allow clients past the office what so ever but at least take pics of the place and put it online. I've taken pics of beautiful dogs getting hurt here once a week and I feel angry. I don't trust these people. I'm done and im reporting them. I took videos too.
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Manager has a crush on me but she has a boyfriend.
Relationship Stress / by RedGiraffe44
Last post
 November 30th, 2025
...See more I can feel the drama in the background. I've heard things and I've seen things. Her *** shows her with some guy and I deal with her at work giving me signs. I know this happens sometimes with couples as long as you don't act on it but it's kinda disturbing. I think I lost sleep because of it and I feel relief when she leaves tbh. I don't trust this person although she is attractive. I mean, if she's emotionally cheating, who's to say she won't do the same with me later on? The fact that she is my manager with a boyfriend are two giant red flags that I can't ignore but I can't help but be sad and frustrated because I've never had a girlfriend before and I'm 30. I just wanted a job that would last longer than two years for once and I've had 13 jobs since graduating college. I know I've posted about this before but I need to get my thoughts and feelings out. My family isn't exactly available. Most of the time anyway. This sucks because I like looking at her and talking to her but I know there is another side to her I should probably keep boundaries over ya know? What are your thoughts? I'm not dating someone I work with. It doesn't work.
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Idk what is going on here but I trust my intuition.
Depression Support / by RedGiraffe44
Last post
 November 28th, 2025
...See more just started working at a doggy daycare four months ago and I needed a fresh start. I'm a first gen college graduate class of 2018 and I've had NOTHING but crap jobs until this one. 13 jobs in 8 years since then. I wasn't even ready for college back then. My parents just had me go anyway. Well, after ending up in the hospital for "stuff" , I ended up just going after jobs I knew I would enjoy. Now I'm here and I am dealing with drama. I swear these people think I'm an *** just because I am not interested in dating my damn manager. Idk if they've learned anything since starting but I've seen some crap and heard crap too and I just...feel disturbed and angry. I'm just trying to survive. Not date someone I work with. I admit, she is very attractive but she's still responsible for how she reacts and I just feel...antagonized just for being myself. Idk what to think. I'm paranoid and hurt and miserable. I'm just trying to focus on the job. I don't have a lot of friends to begin with anyway so I don't know if I'm even capable of a healthy relationship right now. Never had one. Always denied one anyway. I could be worrying too much but I know what I've seen too. It hurts. I expect people my age to want to ruin my life because of the way people treated me since high school. I just want compassion from them. Understanding. Empathy. Humility. Too much to ask?!
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