Rose86 Member Profile

...See more Life is feeling tiring lately. Existing has become somewhat like a chore. I usually don't enjoy being around people for extended lengths of time, because I usually feel no reward from it in my brain. It only tires me out. I have developed social anxiety due to having a "socially different brain" from others (no, I don't mean different in a "special snowflake" sort of way. I mean it in an I-really-hate-diagnostic-labels kind of way). This has caued me low self-esteem, and a general distrust of most people. I don't have any "real life" friends, but I do have an amazing and supportive boyfriend. Only problem is, he lives in another country, and we only get to see each other in person once, sometimes twice per year. I have him to chat with some of the time daily, and that helps me to feel better, but the rest of the day I get pretty lonely. I volunteer as an admin on an active facebook page, and help younger people with their problems, and some of them are very serious problems. Trouble is, I'm always the one getting problems spilled to me, and I'm always listening to their vents, and having to be the mature one. I never get to be the one to spill my problems to someone older than me, except for my mom, but I don't like to burden her too much, cause she has other things to deal with. I know I suffer from anxiety, and maybe a pinch of depression too. But it's not the kind of anxiety and negativity I can pinpoint always. It's just sort of always there, buzzing in the background, dulling my thoughts. I can forget it's there until some situation triggers it to become worse. About a week ago, my cat almost died. He was rushed to the vets. I was in an absolute horrible state that day. My anxiety got so bad that I had physical muscle aches in my legs. When I found out later that my cat made it and we could take him home soon, I felt relieved. The aftermath of this close call gave me an unexpected peace in my mind that I had forgotten was possible. For about a day, I felt like my mind was functional enough to enjoy life in a way I hadn't in years. I guess you could say I was high on the relief of the drama being over. Feelings felt more vivid, especially the good ones. And for a short while, I even felt like I could handle human company from people besides my immediate family. I actually craved what I never crave. Socializing. And I actually felt happy again! I remembered what it was to not feel negative or anxious. It was so alien to me. And now, I am back to how I was. The old familiar "bad normal". Back to the confusion and distraction and the large chunk of my brain being used up by anxiety and negative thoughts that serve no purpose to me other than make my entire life feel like one big foggy nonstop multitask that I share with this curse. If you have read this whole thing, thank you. Any advice is welcome

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