Sadbunny1 Member Profile

...See more On Sunday I broke up with the man I love, it killed me and hurts so bad but I just feel like I couldn't deal with the lies any longer but now I feel so guilty and am finding it so hard to come to terms with being on my own after 6 years together. We moved out a year ago together and found a lovely home to rent, everything was fantastic for the first 5 months until he started staying up all night over and above 24 hours at least once a week. This would often be after he had been out alone and once or twice when he had been with me. He would turn the tv down so low and smoke around 20-40 cigarettes over the 24 hours finally shutting himself away in the spare room when I woke up, refusing to eat and not speaking. After this happened for a number of weeks I knew something wasn't right. Eventually I came downstairs in the middle of the night after waking up and found him snorting drugs. I was so upset and after a long discussion he wrote me an apology letter telling me how sorry he was and how things would change, that he didn't have a drug problem but had used drugs now and again to help ease his anxiety. He promised it wouldn't happen again. Things got better after that for a while and although I felt like some of the trust had gone it felt like things were good and it was just a momentary blip. Last month the behaviour started to happen again, he began to stay up at least once or twice a week doing the same thing as before and taking my laptop. I saw the signs and confronted him but he assured me nothing was wrong, that he just liked to stay up sometimes and wasn't taking drugs. I knew from before he was lying but he would not admit anything. Throughout the next few weeks I began to become obsessive searching his pockets, drawers anywhere I could think of to see if he was hiding drugs - I found some cut up straws and a rolled up 5 note but when i confronted him he told me it was from before, that I was paranoid and that he felt hurt that I would even think he was doing drugs again. I felt like I was going mad and whether right or wrong began to check his phone - I found some messages to friends relating to drugs but when u confronted him he went mad telling me I had broken the trust that I was an awful girlfriend and that he was just joking and wasn't taking anything. He refused to talk to me all the next day and shut himself away in the spare room. A week or so passed and again his behaviour continued - I decided to look at my laptop one day and found a chatroulette tab still open and all of the web history deleted. After asking what he was on chatroulette for he told me he wasn't and that it had opened as an ad on another site. I still couldn't Shake the feeling that something was wrong and found out how to recover deleted web history. This is when I stumbled across Skype- when I opened it there were a variety of dirty conversations between him and other women - one particular one kept popping up and the worst thing was he had told her he would do anything to make her smile - I found that more heartbreaking than the begging to turn her webcam on and the lying that he didn't have a girlfriend as well as claiming he had sex with a few girls from work. I was crushed I demanded he leave the house and wanted to end it - however after a few days we had a chat and I let him back in after he apologised and told me how much I meant and would do anything to earn my trust again. Things were good again for a ew weeks - he started making the effort for us to go out and didn't go out as much, he was coming to bed. Then a few weeks ago the same behaviour started to happen - he was staying up all night again. I asked him what was wrong that I wanted him to come to bed but he kept brushing me away telling me that he was just a bit anxious but that he always used to stay up when we didn't live together and that wasn't going to change. On Saturday night he came home from being out with friends and was locked away in the spare room. I went upstairs to find powder residue all over drawers and the back of an old card- I confronted him but he told me he didn't know what I meant and it must be washing powder. I felt so unsettled and knew he was lying but he wouldn't admit it - next morning I found the bag of powder and demanded he left for good this time. Since then he has been texting me telling me I am unfair and I should support him and that he is angry at me for ending it. He's making me feel guilty that I should continue to believe him that this time is his real wake up call and he will do anything now to stay with me. I just can't do it anymore - the trust is gone. I just need to know if I am right for ending it or if I should give him another chance - I know I can't trust him ever anymore and I feel stupid for letting him carry on with his behaviour. I don't know who this man is anymore or if he was always this way and I was too blind to see until we lmove. I'm finding it so hard I have cried every day and can't face the thought of being alone in our home.

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