I feel so guilty for ending it but the trust is gone - please help
On Sunday I broke up with the man I love, it killed me and hurts so bad but I just feel like I couldn't deal with the lies any longer but now I feel so guilty and am finding it so hard to come to terms with being on my own after 6 years together. We moved out a year ago together and found a lovely home to rent, everything was fantastic for the first 5 months until he started staying up all night over and above 24 hours at least once a week. This would often be after he had been out alone and once or twice when he had been with me. He would turn the tv down so low and smoke around 20-40 cigarettes over the 24 hours finally shutting himself away in the spare room when I woke up, refusing to eat and not speaking. After this happened for a number of weeks I knew something wasn't right. Eventually I came downstairs in the middle of the night after waking up and found him snorting drugs. I was so upset and after a long discussion he wrote me an apology letter telling me how sorry he was and how things would change, that he didn't have a drug problem but had used drugs now and again to help ease his anxiety. He promised it wouldn't happen again. Things got better after that for a while and although I felt like some of the trust had gone it felt like things were good and it was just a momentary blip. Last month the behaviour started to happen again, he began to stay up at least once or twice a week doing the same thing as before and taking my laptop. I saw the signs and confronted him but he assured me nothing was wrong, that he just liked to stay up sometimes and wasn't taking drugs. I knew from before he was lying but he would not admit anything. Throughout the next few weeks I began to become obsessive searching his pockets, drawers anywhere I could think of to see if he was hiding drugs - I found some cut up straws and a rolled up 5 note but when iconfronted him he told me it was from before, that I was paranoid and that he felt hurt that I would even think he was doing drugs again. I felt like I was going mad and whether right or wrong began to check his phone - I found some messages to friends relating to drugs but when u confronted him he went mad telling me I had broken the trust that I was an awful girlfriend and that he was just joking and wasn't taking anything. He refused to talk to me all the next day and shut himself away in the spare room. A week or so passed and again his behaviour continued - I decided to look at my laptop one day and found a chatroulette tab still open and all of the web history deleted. After asking what he was on chatroulette for he told me he wasn't and that it had opened as an ad on another site. I still couldn't Shake the feeling that something was wrong and found out how to recover deleted web history. This is when I stumbled across Skype- when I opened it there were a variety of dirty conversations between him and other women - one particular one kept popping up and the worst thing was he had told her he would do anything to make her smile - I found that more heartbreaking than the begging to turn her webcam on and the lying that he didn't have a girlfriend as well as claiming he had sex with a few girls from work. I was crushed I demanded he leave the house and wanted to end it - however after a few days we had a chat and I let him back in after he apologised and told me how much I meant and would do anything to earn my trust again. Things were good again for a ew weeks - he started making the effort for us to go out and didn't go out as much, he was coming to bed. Then a few weeks ago the same behaviour started to happen - he was staying up all night again. I asked him what was wrong that I wanted him to come to bed but he kept brushing me away telling me that he was just a bit anxious but that he always used to stay up when we didn't live together and that wasn't going to change. On Saturday night he came home from being out with friends and was locked away in the spare room. I went upstairs to find powder residue all over drawers and the back of an old card- I confronted him but he told me he didn't know what I meant and it must be washing powder. I felt so unsettled and knew he was lying but he wouldn't admit it - next morning I found the bag of powder and demanded he left for good this time. Since then he has been texting me telling me I am unfair and I should support him and that he is angry at me for ending it. He's making me feel guilty that I should continue to believe him that this time is his real wake up call and he will do anything now to stay with me. I just can't do it anymore - the trust is gone. I just need to know if I am right for ending it or if I should give him another chance - I know I can't trust him ever anymore and I feel stupid for letting him carry on with his behaviour. I don't know who this man is anymore or if he was always this way and I was too blind to see until we lmove. I'm finding it so hard I have cried every day and can't face the thought of being alone in our home.
<3 I'm so sorry you're going through this, Sadbunny1. I understand the guilt you're feeling, but you absolutely deserve a man who will be more considerate of your feelings.
He's asking you to trust him no matter what and to "be there for him" and be considerate of how he's doing, but where is he thinking of your feelings? This doesn't mean he's never done this -- I'm not bashing him, but he really wasn't behaving maturely. He places a lot of blame on you unnecessarily rather than help you feel better. When you discover that he's been smoking and are upset, he should admit that he's doing wrong and tell you that he'll still try not to, though he's struggling. AlsoSkyping other women is absolutely unacceptable.
You've put him first so many times -- in fact, he puts himself first in a strange way too. He thinks his feelings are much more important than yours. Your need to feel secure in a relationship is super important. He's prioritizing his relationship with drugs and sex addiction over this beautiful emotional bond with you, which is super sad. Sounds like he has a lot of issues he needs to sort through himself.
what is the deal with people ignoring there significants other feelings. i feel for you sad bunny. i hope things start to look up, soon
I am sorry to hear about what you're going through.
The first, and so far, only love of my life was addicted to meth, and was a habitual cheater as well. I know exactly how you feel. I did my best to do everything I could for him, and even stuck by him when he ended up in prison for sexual indecency...long story there.
But I know your pain. I know what it's like to feel guilty for leaving the one who mattered most to you. I just left him a few months ago, and the ache comes back in waves.
The same will go for you. The pain will come in inconveniant waves.
One thing you have to tell yourself every single day is "I am not the one at loss; HE is." YOU are the prize, not him.
I think you were right to finally put your foot down. You have demanded RESPECT. And you need to KEEP demanding respect. Keep to your standards. You cannot continue to love him unconditionally. Loving someone and giving your all to them no matter how horribly they treat you is self-destructive. That is a suicidal way to handle a relationship. Conditions are there for your own GOOD. Set your standard, sweetheart.
You were absolutely in the right to do what you have done.
I know you love this man. And if you end up taking him back, that won't make you stupid or any less of a human being. Just do things differently this time. Don't let him get away with disrespecting you ever again.
I can tell you, though, that distance will be the best thing for you at the moment. Cut off as much communication as possible. That will ease the pain and guilt, and eventually you will get stronger as you rebuild yourself from the mess he created.
You, like I did with my ex, spent and invested so much time into being his girlfriend that you had forgotten to be a girlfriend to YOURSELF. Be a good girlfriend to yourself now. Work on your self-love and worth, so that you will ensure something like this will never ever happen again.
I hope things get better for you.
I subscribe to everything you just wrote...this was me in my 15 year realationship with a gambler. I actually told him that I demand more now and either he will do it or I will be alone. I wrote that I had loved him more at times than myself...you wrote my relationship in them lines of yours...thank you