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I recently realized that I barely remember anything about my childhood. I’m 21yrs old & I was 11 only 10yrs ago, it’s so sad. My mom birthed me at 19yrs old & used me as a personal therapist my whole life. I knew everything from the details of my parents marriage issues to her struggles with body image, her rocky relationship with my grandparents, she’d even use me to gossip about random people , I knew EVERY detail. Randomly at Like maybe 12-14, I took a liking to being on the streets, I’d smoke weed, drink, & hang out on the streets, i was a hoodlum. I never knew why I was doing it though, all I knew was it made me feel good to “run away” for awhile. My mom yelled & threatened me with all type of things, she’d beat me & call me names & tell me I’m gonna end up on the streets forever (wow yes thanks so much mom, that’s soooooo encouraging) & none of it worked on me because I genuinely just stopped caring about life. Then one day I just stopped doing all that & started drowning myself in books & tv shows, Everything is pretty foggy here honestly. later in highschool my mom & I were “friends again”, till we weren’t.. see our cycle is 1.we’re great, I’m her therapist, I’m cooking everyday, I’m cleaning all the time, I’m helping my brother with Hw, I’m cool with everyone 2.then I start getting super depressed & I stop being so available so my mom gets angry & starts yelling at me & treating me like crap 3.now My depression is so bad that I can’t pretend to be nice, I’m mean & tired & I don’t do anything around the house, so my mom & I start to get into argument & even full blown fist fights because she “don’t like my attitude” 4.I try to help myself out of depression, I find temporary things that make me feel better which results in me choosing peace instead of showing my real feelings. After some time passes we end up repeating our cycle again because neither of us can keep boundaries. I always feel like I HAVE to be there for her & she uses me any chance she gets.
Now I realize that I was robbed of my childhood. I spent my whole life taking care of everyone but no one ever took care of me. I’m TIRED of the “wow you act a lot older than you are”, that used to make me so happy as a kid but now it infuriates me knowing that I was forced to be this way. I’m tired of being the leader, I’m tired of cooking & cleaning & being everyone’s therapist, I’m tired of being so wise, I’m tired of it all. I have experienced trauma,reacted according to that trauma, realized it was wrong & began trying to heal my trauma, ALL in the same household. You know how hard it is to heal a trauma wound while someone is picking at the scab every dang day??? It’s exhausting. I’ve been mourning Little me, I don’t know how to have fun or be spontaneous & it’s so painfullll. Like physically it hurts my chest to think about this because it weighs on me so much. I want to be a normal 20yr old kid, I want to do dumb things that I enjoy, I wanna make mistakes, I wanna have fun, i want FRIENDS! I’ve never had friends, I’ve always been too old for everyone so people don’t relate to me. Im always the parent of the group & I don’t think anyone has ever really considered me their friend besides when they need advice on something. But then again do I even know how to have a friend? Or be a friend? My head is so messed up man & im so MAD at her for doing this to me. Im not ME, im a product of what has been done to me & I want to take control of that. I don’t even know what The point of me writing all this was, Im just so tired man…