Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
Feel better with online therapy Professional, confidential and affordable. Start today
Sapito
2 473 M Embraced 4
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts44 Forum posts11 Forum upvotes12 Current upvotes12 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2026 Member sinceAugust 3, 2025
Bio
Recent forum posts
Sapito profile picture
bye
Depression Support / by Sapito
Last post
 January 30th
...See more I enjoyed visiting this place; it was lovely. He felt less alone, at least for a while. It was a pleasure.
Sapito profile picture
It's me. Again.
Depression Support / by Sapito
Last post
 January 6th
...See more Well, I'm still alive. [Great] I've got some new stuff. And let's see, I really need help. Or at least someone to tell me what the *** to do. And you might be wondering, why this time? Let's say, like talking with my partner, he... touched on very painful but necessary topics. And let's just say I never got over my trauma, the way I thought I had. I'm still the 3-year-old girl still looking for her mom and dad, who doesn't know what love is unless it comes with pain, who doesn't know how to let go of that girl I was, who has always lived my life as a spectator and not as a protagonist (I don't know if that makes sense. I mean that you live dissociated from your life and you see yourself, what you do, say, and what is done to you...) I don't know how to receive love. I don't know how to have feelings, I never have. I don't know who I am. I have a strong trauma related to abandonment. And apparently, I have an anxious and unequal attachment style. [I forgot what that's called, let's call it that for now] My life has been a fantasy I created to be happy, to ignore and forget my problems, and what people tell me is my way of protecting myself, since I can't accept that I've never been loved. [And I mean it; if I told you my story as it really is, you'd see it's not an "exaggeration."] I refuse to accept that the people I thought loved me (my "father's" family) never did, even though I know it, I seem to deny it. And let's just say I have a very, very strong attachment to my current partner. He's the kind of man who knows how to take care of me and all that, and yet... I'm still waiting for him to leave. And to top it all off, I found out that the father who made me suffer terribly and is the one who started all this isn't really my father. Apparently, it was someone else [we'll tell you, Tato]. Apparently I did know Tato for a while, and Tato was indeed a man [I was 6 years old or younger when I met him] he tried to be a good father (I think he knew how) since he always waited for me at the same time every day, in the same park, to play for hours. And to help me cope with my abandonment trauma. Guess what. He left, and I never saw him again. Now I know where it is, but I'm scared... it's strange, it hurts. And well... I still have the same anxiety. I don't know myself, and the possibility that I might actually have some kind of depression seems more like a reality than a myth. [I want you to know. I've never been able to go to a psychologist, not because I can't, it's because I'm forbidden from doing so. And I still depend on my grandmother. (since university) ] postscript: I don't want you to think I'm a kept woman or anything, it's just that my grandmother told me to continue taking care of her until I finish my degree.
Sapito profile picture
It's me. Again.
Depression Support / by Sapito
Last post
 December 12th, 2025
...See more It's been a long time since I've written here. Heh. This time months had passed, I thought it was okay, and it was. Apparently my family relationships had improved, and my relationship with my partner (which was always good) until now.... It's not that we're going to break up, it's just that he wants to do something this Sunday, which for someone my age should be normal by now (for those who didn't understand, having intimate relations). But today when I spoke with him, I told him that I wanted to talk about some things that day when we met, and yes, it's about "that". I'm not ready. I'm not. It terrifies me; when I was little, something happened with my father and his friends every day for seven years. And it was something I ignored for years and years, and now...it's affecting me and... I'm not ready to take that step It's something he's excited about, and all that, but the idea terrifies me... I know it might not be related, but that's not the end of it. Lately I've relapsed, I've hurt myself again and I look for things to do to myself, like provoking the dog to bite me hard on the arm, or cutting myself "by mistake" with something I started crying every night again, for whatever reason. I did things I regret so much... memories I thought I'd forgotten are coming back. feelings I never thought I'd have But now they are stronger than before. Those thoughts... are lurking around in my mind I haven't been diagnosed with depression as such, nor am I on medication, but I've always suspected it this year, and look... here I am. It's awful, because it's like everyone knows about the problem but they don't give you the solution. I returned to the church, I graduated from your academy, I will be able to be a leader of people, I am going to be baptized, among other things. But with what I know, it only makes me look bad (?), I mean, I already know, according to the problem, where, how it was possibly created (both according to psychology [thanks to research and a friend] and according to the Bible) and I feel like nothing works anymore. It's like continuing to wait for a solution, but you already know what they'll tell you. And yet you still don't know how to proceed. And the more you know about how it happened, the less you know how to fix it. And it becomes desperate. And when you thought you could cope, life only makes you feel that pain... in your heart, it really hurts... it manifests in your body with aches and pains, insomnia, loss of appetite, heartache, back pain, etc... And yet, it's like self-medicating when you can't go and seek "professional" help; it's like...having it so close...but so far away. If I don't write again in 3 months, maybe it's because I've improved, or maybe I've given up. I've endured it all my life. Why not now? Right?
Search more from @Sapito
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist
Badges & Awards
8 total badges
Hand Shake First Post Reaching out Helping out First Compassion Bundled Group Friend Forum Friend
Report an issue
Considering therapy? Talk to a licensed therapist, wherever you are. Get started
Feel better with online therapy Professional, confidential and affordable. Start today