It's me. Again.

It's been a long time since I've written here. Heh. This time months had passed, I thought it was okay, and it was. Apparently my family relationships had improved, and my relationship with my partner (which was always good) until now.... It's not that we're going to break up, it's just that he wants to do something this Sunday, which for someone my age should be normal by now (for those who didn't understand, having intimate relations). But today when I spoke with him, I told him that I wanted to talk about some things that day when we met, and yes, it's about "that". I'm not ready. I'm not. It terrifies me; when I was little, something happened with my father and his friends every day for seven years. And it was something I ignored for years and years, and now...it's affecting me and... I'm not ready to take that step It's something he's excited about, and all that, but the idea terrifies me... I know it might not be related, but that's not the end of it.

Lately I've relapsed, I've hurt myself again and I look for things to do to myself, like provoking the dog to bite me hard on the arm, or cutting myself "by mistake" with something I started crying every night again, for whatever reason. I did things I regret so much... memories I thought I'd forgotten are coming back. feelings I never thought I'd have But now they are stronger than before. Those thoughts... are lurking around in my mind I haven't been diagnosed with depression as such, nor am I on medication, but I've always suspected it this year, and look... here I am. It's awful, because it's like everyone knows about the problem but they don't give you the solution. I returned to the church, I graduated from your academy, I will be able to be a leader of people, I am going to be baptized, among other things. But with what I know, it only makes me look bad (?), I mean, I already know, according to the problem, where, how it was possibly created (both according to psychology [thanks to research and a friend] and according to the Bible) and I feel like nothing works anymore. It's like continuing to wait for a solution, but you already know what they'll tell you. And yet you still don't know how to proceed. And the more you know about how it happened, the less you know how to fix it. And it becomes desperate. And when you thought you could cope, life only makes you feel that pain... in your heart, it really hurts... it manifests in your body with aches and pains, insomnia, loss of appetite, heartache, back pain, etc... And yet, it's like self-medicating when you can't go and seek "professional" help; it's like...having it so close...but so far away.

If I don't write again in 3 months, maybe it's because I've improved, or maybe I've given up. I've endured it all my life. Why not now? Right?