Sar8 Member Profile

...See more This will be very long and I apologise and whoever reads me, thank you. Okay so, It is a confusing love story, im not very certain about what I should think about it. I met this guy in 8th grade, and although I felt kind of attracted when I first saw him, I didn't pay much attention because he wasn't actually my type, plus I was in my first relationship. Slowly I could see by the way he looked at me that he liked me, I am certain about that, he never verbalized at that moment that he did but I think as a girl I could tell. He was always looking at me, if I fell on the ground while doing sports he came to give me his hand and help me stand up, if my pony rubber fell he would catch it to give it to me, he would usually initiate conversations with me over social media, once he even asked who did I like (my apologies for getting in detail, unfortunetly I kind of still hold feelings for him although its been YEARS). Slowly, although I had a relationship, I started developing feelings for him without understanding why. That summer I travelled to my home land, I was living abroad and I come from a middle east country, the guy is from Spain. I could tell he would text me when i left and he did. I talked with him and without I actually having the intention to do so, ended up spilling out my feelings for him via text in a very confused and weird way, to which he answered that he really loved me as a friend but that I wasn't his type. I felt hurt, didn't say anything to him but I knew he was lying and avoiding what he felt for me, im not saying he wanted to marry me but there was definetly something between the two, I also knew the reason deep down about that avoidance, he wouldn't want to have a relationship with a middle eastern girl. I just knew that was the reason. Years later his best friend told me that I myself knew that he would never want anything with me because of my ethnicity. I went back to Spain after summer vacations and he texted me to ask if I was back and we went together to our highschool to get the books for our new class. We exchanged music, which was one of the surprising reasons we became friends because the kind of music we liked was kind of uncommon and unconventional, he showed me his family album, he even held my school bag because I said it was very heavy. Days went going and I still had feelings for him, I left my boyfriend in a bad way for which I apologized years later (I ghosted him), and hung out with this guy quite much as friends. One day in class i sent him a paper note and we talked and he said if i wanted to know if he liked me or not, he said he didn't like me but he would have made out with me. Until one day I got fed up because i was always trying to guess the hidden meaning behind his actions and while at his place with a bunch of friends that knew I liked him but never left me alone with him, I told them to leave (not in front of him), they did, and things got a bit tense. We were talking and I was a bit nervous, he told me to speak up my mind, I doubted a bit, he asked me what was going on with my family (I had an abusive family and my highschool teacher was helping me get legal protection) and I spilled everything out confusingly and crying, he held my hand I gave me a hug, I told him at the end that I still liked him, to which he said: do you wanna make out? I told him it wasn't about making out, it was that I loved him. He held me and made me talk about my problems and listened caringly, while caresing my hand and shoulder. When I stopped crying, there was a long period of silence and he kissed me. We made out. I know its very weird, but the making out didn't feel sincronized at first, he was like in his own world, and I felt an invisible wall between us, it was a feeling I can't make sense of but im just so serious, it probably sounds insane, I know. His father came and he pushed me away all of a sudden because he got scared, it felt quite bad, then he came back to the room and asked me what was I doing that evening with puppy eyes. But the next day, at school, he gave me a paper note saying to not tell anybody about what happened between us, it broke me, but I was SO emotionally blocked back then and unable to be vulnerable with people that I told him that I wanted to tell him the same thing. He "kind of" supported me while I was going through problems with my family, hugged me sometimes, which I wasn't used to get, I haven't had much affection in my life. I here and there tried to make him open up emotionally but he always found excuses and avoided. Once I made him talk on facebook, and he said that it wasn't that he didn't like that I liked him, but he was confused. He loved me as a friend but didn't know if he loved me as more then a friend. And that my friends weren't letting him think about it and they were pushing him to admit that he liked me. I got twice asked if we were in a relationship. He asked me to not leave his room to change my clothes and do it in front of him but I was just insecure about my body and i didn't. Another day I told him thanks for his support while we were going towards our highschool and as a response he held my hand kind of impulsively (like he didn't think about it, it came from his heart) and said it wasn't a big deal, then appeared nervous and said that we should leave our hands once in front of the school gate, I told me naively that I didn't care because I liked him, then I tried to kiss him and he leaned back. This happened twice, me trying to kiss him and he rejecting me. Once we were sitting in a park alone and as a feminine tacting (so to say), I started looking at him with my eyes wide open (I have big brown eyes) to get his attention, to which he responded with a shocking smile: why are you looking at me like that? I said to him: because I was right. He said: about what? That I am not a racist? I said yes with my head. He said: yeah...im not a racist. For some time after making out we became kind of close, hung out even more, always with friends and then suddenly he started to get distant. And I was left confused and without closure, I had 4 short relationships in an attempt to forget him, which now I know was very inassertive and I obviously never could, until I just accepted that he was now with someone else and just went through the pain and healed. I appreciated him as a person, tried to hold the good memories with him and be happy for his relationship, which I genuinely was. I moved to my home land, and added him on social media after having deleted him so I didn't have to see his pictures with his girlfriend. I liked many pictures of them, he liked mine in return, we had a nice conversation and he again asked if I had a boyfriend, I said no and he stopped talking. I was focused on myself at that point, was going through an identity crisis and even an existencial crisis and isolated myself a bit from social media and everything in general. After some time of deep confusion I went back, and he started liking my photos, commenting them and stuff. Now I please want to ask to have an open mind about what im about to say from now above, in reality it doesn't make much sense even for myself, while I isolated myself and was doing introspection, I was trying to examine my past in general and especifly my relationships to learn from them and move on if anything was left without clarity of anything, it was kind of working, until I tried to learn and grow from my relationship with him, I became stuck, and I felt like I was trapped with him energetically, as if something was making me hold on to him, they weren't romantic feelings, after falling out of love with him and healing I fell in love with another guy, didn't go well, and mew a few others guys as well although they weren't my partners exactly. So I was feeling like stuck with him, I tried to make a few exercises to let go of him and nothing was working, I was feeling so frustrated, I tried writing a letter (without sending it to him), sleep hypnosis to let go, talking to myself as I would talk to a friend, even a spiritual ritual a few times because i considered the possibility of him being my soulmate. Nothing worked. Until one day I had a dream, it got my attention but I tried to ignore it because at that time I overthought about dreams and analized stuff a bit too much. But the dream repeated itself and I saw his name written and I couldn't ignore it and decided to text him, I didn't know what was going on but I said to myself that if there was anything it would come out and id see. He responded, tried talking to me, was flirtatious, he unwillingly, I believe, spilled that he was in two relationships simultaniously and I felt that that dream and all that "energy stuff" was because he needed someone to make him realise his ways and correct them. Its insane, I know, but its how I felt back then. I tried not to judge him, he tried to cover what he said to me about his love life, but i stayed firm. His girlfriend began to get really insecure and texted me all the time, I never answered her rudely which she did, and eventually showed her the text where this guy talked about his other relationship. The girl was in denial and stuff, and one day accused me of liking his boyfriend, and then suddenly she started to get in detail about how he made love to her and that I wasn't that pretty, that we were far away even if we were so good friends and talked all the time and it was very unpredictible but I felt damn jealous and hurt because of that "sexual explanation", I never thought of him like that. My love for him or whatever that was, had been always quite emotional and romantic, i did find him attractive but wasn't the reason I liked him. So this was kind of new. He called me one day, we talked for an hour, he said he liked my voice, tried to make me laugh, and said at the end that if I would "open up" a bit because I looked shy. I became angry and he said he would behave and we kept talking, he kept flirting. Until I became a bit clingy, he read my texts but didn't answer and I kept texting, once in a while asked me pictures, got jealous of his bes friend when we talked because his best friend used to be in love with me, his friend teased him daying that he liked me. The stupid cycle began again...I was again trying to make him say and realise that he loved me, he said he did like me but didn't love me. I made a video with nudes for him and then he called me a slut, that I was a pain in the ass for texting so much, that I should forget him for once and all and blocked me. I did it because he wanted me to "open up", I suspect I have problems with self love and assertiveness because I wasn't a girl that would send nudes, I did it because I didn't want him to ignore me, its not very assertive, but feelings blind us, don't they? After some time he unblocked me and tried to talk to me, asking how I was and i don't remember what happened because I started to develope some mental health problems that I believe where comming from the abusive behaviour of my family (which is still there, the legal help in Spain didn't fully go well, they sent me back home) and I did some crazy stuff. When I got a bit stable, I don't remember how but we communicated, he made a video call and masturbated seeing my breasts, we both were in a relationship. I told my partner and he broke up, but he said to not tell anybody and that it wouldn't hurt anyone. But I am an honest person although im messy. In one way or another our contact stopped, he blocked me from everywhere, a few months ago I accidently gave him a miss call from someones phone because I was trying to add him on whatsapp through another person's phone in case he had blocked me but the number didn't appear and I made a call on the sim card accidently. A month later this person told me that they recieved a call from Spain, the guy I like knows my country's code so he probably knew it was me. Another friend we have in common kept telling me for a few months that the guy I like wants to see me, misses me, wants me to go back Spain, desires me, that he even stopped having sex with his current girlfriend because of me because he was trying to convince him to fight for me and wait for me, that he smiled when he talked about me and asked this common friend to show him my pictures. He says his current girlfriend is very controlling. But this common friend is a person I don't really trust because he spread fake rumors about me in highschool, so maybe he is just making up all these beautiful news about the guy I like, i don't know. And I know you can't know either, but im just so frustrated. I don't understand why do I still think about him even after seeing that he is even unfaithful, that he has blocked me everywhere, and that I don't even know that what im being said by this friend we have in common who spread rumours about me is real. I met him at age 14 and now I am 26, I feel frustrated having feelings for him. Is this unhealthy and I am attached? I clearly don't trust him and have even told him, but i can't help having feelings towards him? When we started communicating after I had those dreams, he said stuff like "I don't identify as being spanish or white or whatever", and that immigrants should have the same rights and resources then spanish people. I sometimes feel like these feelings are based on my low selfesteem? But at other times I have romantic thoughts about what "we have" because it happens that we say the same thing at the same time, I kind of read his mind at times, I knew intuitively that he woukd text me when I went for vacations, on another ocassion I knew that he would sit at my table in class and I made some drawings on the table aboyt the music we liked and he said comming to me "bad girl, you dont draw on school's tables", I knew his girlfriend was jealous of me intuitively and he told me. I even once guessed he wasn't feeling okay because he uploaded a picture with alcohol and I told him, and he said I was right and that he was being stupid, he said this twice (with 20min seperation between the two messages) before I answered him. He was a guy that bunked classes and although had the capacity, hardly ever studied, smoked weed and made jokes all the time, very extroverted and loud, careless. I on the other hand was the best student of my class, very responsable, I know he admired me because of my intelligence (at least on an academic level), I was the delegate of my class for four years. I wouldn't ever think about a guy like him and he wouldn't ever think about a girl thats asian, but there is chemistry or attraction or feelings or whatever between us in a way that is not logical. I hope I am not deluded or being too naive or idealistic or romantic, im not sure what the word is. Please tell me your honest opinion on this with an open mind because it really bothers me and I am tired, I want to be free of him, I feel like a slave of his emotionally. Thank you for reading such a long text. Waiting for feedback.

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