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but all I can remember him as is the only thing that made me cry in an otherwise perfect life.
I wish I could remember all the times he made me smile and feel like I was worth a damn, but instead, all I can remember is how he belittled my feelings and concerns and how he condemned me for things he viewed as flaws, things I just viewed as part of myself.
I wish I could remember the way I felt seeing him in the hallway at school when we were younger, when just knowing I was walking near him in a sea of people was a blessing. But all I can remember is apologizing to him over and over after all those times he yelled at me for nothing.
I wish I could remember the love I felt, but all I remember feeling is pity and the resolve to love him no matter how he treated me because I didn't know any better. He was my first. I didn't know love should be different. I didn't know abuse came in many forms. I didn't think someone as nice and kind as he is in public could possibly make me feel so horrible about myself in private.
I wish I could miss him and alllow myself to cry but I'm still so angry. I woke up abruptly as we were arguing for the thousandth time, and instead of feeling angry I just felt done. I was tired of defending myself. I was tired of bending to him, of constantly compromising to please him. I was tired of fighting. I could feel the exact moment the last of the love died, and then I felt nothing. Nothing but anger, once I realized all I had gone through for him, for nothing. All the ways I had changed to please him, to keep him, while he refused to change at all.
I wish I could see how he misses me. Five years is a long time. I wish I could see how he cries at night when he misses me most. I wish I could see him sitting on the floor of his shower letting his tears fall with the water. I wish I could watch his life fall apart. I wish I could watch the light come on in his eyes as he realizes it was him all along, that he made me leave, that he hurt me so many times I gave up. I wish I could see these things, but in reality, I don't think he misses me at all. I bet he's still clinging to his self-righteousness, convinced that I left by choice because I'm lazy or evil or whatever else he's calling me these days. I'm sure he tells his friends that I left because I'm gay, or that I just got bored, or some other fabrication. I bet he'll never tell them that I left because I couldn't bear the criticism anymore. I couldn't bear the depression he denied having, but I know the symptoms, and he has it. I can't imagine him actually admitting his faults to anyone, because after all this, I'm sure he's still convinced he is flawless. He's still certain that I am wrong because I am female, and obviously he is smarter than me.
I wish I could go back to high school and give my younger self the wisdom and knowledge to recognize that, while he was sweet, he was ill, and that he would pass his sickness on to me. I wish I could save myself the time and pain. But at the same time, I'm so glad I lived through this, because I understand a lot more about the world. I understand other people better because I, too, have an ex-lover, and I, too, have felt such a range of pain and other feelings. My self respect has bloomed in the past two months since I left him. My confidence is soaring. I am so happy with my life and myself. I'm so much happier alone than I was with him.
I wish I had left the first time I started thinking things were going badly, back when we hadn't even been dating for a year. Nine months into our relationship I started thinking maybe he wasn't as great as I had thought, when he kept criticizing me and being angry with me because I wouldn't run, I only walked. I feel like an idiot for clinging to him as long as I did, but I kept holding out, hoping things would get better. He said he loved me, and I loved him, and I thought love alone would save us. I kept holding on, hoping the next big holiday would bring us closer together. Honestly, I was so naive that at each big celebration, from our first anniversary to our fourth Christmas, I hoped he would propose to me. I was so innocent when he came into my life. Well, that time is over for me, at least.
I wish anyone else clinging to a toxic relationship might read this and see themselves in my shoes, and feel the courage to do what's right for themselves. I wish I could help others save themselves from someone who will slowly kill them from the inside out. I realize this is a normalized thing, and that's part of what makes me angry. Thankfully, with everything that's been going on in my own family, My family and friends have all been supportive. In fact, I was trying so hard to cling to this guy, I didn't realize how unhappy I was and I didn't realize that everyone knew it. When I was asking my friends for help before I actually broke up, they were all acting like they had expected this to happen for a long time, and they were really nice about it, encouraging me to stand up for myself and leave him. Things were so bad that even my friends wanted me to end it. And not after much reflection, either, it was like they had been waiting for me to see the light.
I regret nothing. Loneliness fits like an old, worn coat, and it doesn't keep me very warm, but it's better than the barbed wire sweater that he had become. Sometimes I wish I had someone to just talk to throughout the day, to text random jokes or strange things I had seen, but in the end, I'm much happier than I have been in a long time. I've been thinking, this is the happiest I've been since high school, since I had just started dating him and everything still seemed perfect. I'm having so much fun on my own, doing whatever I want, not having to stop playing my game to go see him, not having to watch a dumb show just because he likes it, not having to eat his mother's awful, overseasoned meals (thank the GODS for small mercies), not having to listen to him complain about my job or the way I talk or the clothes I wear or the way I smile "too creepy" or my music preferences or anything. The silence, the merciful silence. I haven't been insulted or criticized by anyone in two months. No one has insisted on arguing with me until I apologize for something they've done. It's nice, this new peace I have. It's so nice.
My life is serene. I regret nothing. Stillness and solitude are my coccoon.
I guess I wrote this all down for closure, or something similar. Because I wanted to tell my story, maybe. I woke up this morning wanting to cry and not knowing why, and after all this, I do feel better. Just getting it out sometimes, it helps. Well, thanks for listening. I do appreciate it. No need to comment, please. I just wanted to get it all out so I can stop mulling it over again and again.
:)
