Seff1227 Member Profile

Running out of time

Depression Support / by Seff1227

March 2nd, 2025

...See more This title is boring. Seen over and over again. Everyone felt it at one point and if I have to be honest I hate it. I constantly feel like i never have time for anything. I spend the whole day doing things because I have to and once it's night, I am too tired to do the things i want to do for myself. Sometimes I do have the energy for it but then I lose all the inspiration, for example for drawing. But I have to. I have orders to finish. I need to do things. I also need to send applications for an internship I really need to find urgently. But I can't and everyday feels like it's too short. I know I'm young, I know everyone can go to their own pace. I heard that too many times it pisses me off. Why am I falling behind? Why is everyone doing fine but not me? Why am I the own suffering when I did everything correctly? Why is my body like the way it is? Nothing goes my way. I try to rationalize with my habits and behaviors, I see patterns ressembling autism and/or ADHD so i assume I have that without ever going to diagnose because who knows how that would affect me in workplaces. When people who barely know me say "I don't think you have that" it makes me feel like I'm truly just a loser. Not that I truly want to use disorders as an excuse but at least it puts a finger on a potential reason. In the end I just feel like I always gaslight myself into believing I am something but I am truly not and I am just an attention seeking b*tch. Did I truly dissociate that one time? Is my inability to take care of myself truly a symptom? Or am I faking it all just to hope for someone to care? I am also in a position where I can't complain. Seeking therapy is stupid to me. I tried once, all we did everytime was just me talking about pointless things that happened to me sometimes interrupted with the most stupid remarks like "by dating that person, what do you mean?" like do you not know wtf dating means? I don't have all the money and time just to tell you pointless stuffs. I can't afford it In another way maybe I just don't want to heal, maybe i'm just hoping for the day everyone will leave me one by one or hate me

Is early exposure to NSFW content trauma?

Trauma Support / by Seff1227

January 31st, 2025

...See more TW // pornography NSFW (if this is a necessary tw just in case) I was exposed to sexual content extremely early, dating back to elementary. It was an accident, back when the internet wasn't as regulated. As ridiculous as it is, it was first on Amazon when I wanted to look up japanese animation things because I liked that, and the first results were adult content dvds. I was like 7 or something at the time, and my parents didn't know I found that, and young me didn't understand what I saw and just found it funny. I never had a bad response to it and didn't understand that this wasn't something I was supposed to see. I got curious and looked the words up on the internet at that same age, still not understanding whatever this all was. Barely a few years later, I got my first smartphone at the end of elementary before I started coming back home on my own. My parents didn't put any restrictions and one random day I remembered that thing and looked it up on my phone. I think starting there it just stayed in my mind up to now. Once again, I never had a viscious negative reaction to all that so I never thought of it as a trauma, although now as a grown adult I am actually on the verge of porn addiction and suspected hypersexuality. But I once talked to a therapist about that and she said that it was a trauma. This is just curiosity because i've never heard of a trauma where it didn't give me a negative reaction at the time

How do I believe others

Depression Support / by Seff1227

February 6th, 2021

I hate myself

Depression Support / by Seff1227

February 6th, 2025

...See more I have an inferiority complex. My self esteem is so low i just can’t believe any compliment, i can’t look at someone and not feel jealous if they have something that i don’t but wished i had, i can’t easily get over feeling inferior to someone. I feel really toxic and it’s been about a week or two since i realized why i was so salty over a lot of things. I have nothing and yet i know i have more than a lot of ppl out there so i shouldn’t be complaining, and yet my stupid egoist mind can’t help but just make me feel down The only person i trust is my gf, she’s the only one who can make me feel positive and i came to the point i know i wouldn’t have any will to live if she ever left me I hate being so egoist, i hate my body, i hate being different, having a different sexual orientation than most of my friends, i hate absolutely everything about me and wished i could torture myself in any way just to feel punished for being a piece of trash But i know i would never do that and i still have a hope...a hope that maybe i can slowly love myself more I don’t want to tell my parents about anything so i can’t afford actual therapy How can i love myself?

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