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April 9th

Entry 2 - Shrinking and Striking

Journals & Diaries / by Sharings

April 4th

What do you find comforting during tough times?

General Support / by Sharings

April 3rd

Starting my Journey - Why?

Journals & Diaries / by Sharings

April 2nd

...See more It seems vain to keep a journal or speak about my problems or feelings with someone when relative to any global suffering my problems seem like exaggerations. I make that argument against myself, or maybe for myself. Some of those problem I've realised have real weight and a bearing on my life, when others seem on the surface or after digging a manufactured problem. Some of these a result of, like my childhood ones (of course), my weakness or adult aloofness then/now to understand or process what was truly happening around me: intentions, context, relationships and events. Manufactured or not, these problems and their causes - in the moment I do compare my problems to someone else's suffering - I find true relief, an overwhelming release. That release, unfortunately does not and is not enough to carry me and sustain me and fades away eventually. It's quite disappointing in that sense, I don't want to elevate my problems beyond the attention they deserve objectively. But I've only realised recently—the gratitude for my own lot and empathy for others only culminating in temporary relief—that I have to do some real spiritual and psychological work on these problems that won't budge. Those problems or maybe injuries, and hurts that lay in my relationships are ones I had maturely decided no longer mattered, however in some moment of disagreement or unpleasantness with him or her, a flashback in conversation or reflection renews that hurt and injury. I'm angry that I can't put these hurts and injuries aside - surely I had forgiven them so I can enjoy a new relationship that I desire so much without the baggage of old. But no. There was a time I was doing that spiritual work... almost 4 years ago... that was a good, happy self then: more charitable, more integrated and centered. Since then however, I have allowed these problems to accumulate after not attending to the self-work that I was doing, and which I was unsure I should be doing from a moral standpoint. But now they've reached a painful level, and having found no replacement to attend or address them I seek some avenue to work through these again, however self-aggrandizing and inflating it may seem to others (whose evaluations pulls me in every direction). I would be glad now to have some of the peace God blessed me with then; and I would be glad for your judgements and insights and provocations on this journey.

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