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Shatonium
231 M Embraced 2
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts8 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2017 Member sinceJune 7, 2017
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Really need help.
Depression Support / by Shatonium
Last post
 June 14th, 2017
...See more Hello to the ones reading this, I guess this is a bit egoist to start a thread about my life. But long story short, Im 20, Im unemployed, i have no diplomas, no money, no flat or house of my own, i live in france, and people here don't employ someone with a 3 year gap on its resume. I live at my boyfriend's flat, and things aren't going well with him at the moment. At 17, i dropped out of college, because i was bored and tired of it. I'm a "gifted child", but i would call it "person with a brain too big for being accepted". I dont want to be like this. I want to be averagememy intelligence only caused me trouble as far as i remember. I was raised in a middle low class family. My parents were really nice to me. Too nice in fact. I did whatever i wanted to do, and i was being encouraged for it. I guess thats why im that lazy and dropped out of school. I was abused both mentally and physically as a child. Twice. By 2 differents men. At 12 i started cutting myself, at 13 i got my first boyfriend and i got a lot since then. I didnt realized until i was 17, that everything i lived was insane.. The nightmare began, first panic attack, hospital, Xanax. 2 days locked up in a room with no tv, no phone, no pc. I thought i was going crazy. Nobody took care of me. Only my parents and my bf had the right to come and see me 1h per day. The psychatrist was an old mean man. I got out and eventually had my first therapy session with someone really great. It lasted 2 years, i still go from time to time. But nothing seems to help. I worked a little bit but my boss underpayed me. I worked a lot for nothing, in a bar far from where i lived. So i quit. Now its even worth than before. I cant get out of my flat alone, i cut myself last week after 5 years of not doing it. Im depressed, smoke weed all night playing skyrim, sleep all day, have bulimia nervosa and i cant see my future anymore. I dont know what to do since scholar and work system are horrible in France when you are in a situation like mine. I dont want to become crazy,for the moment its just morbid depression and constant anxiety, but if i ever see myself becoming skyzo or something, i will definitely kill myself. I wanted to this morning, then i came here. At least its a good thing... If you read this til the end, thanks and you're either really bored or really nice. ❤ have a good day.
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