Siadzia Member Profile

...See more I feel like I need to get his out. Exactly last year I broke up with someone I loved. This person was forbidden apple, I already had a boyfriend. This person felt so close to me even though we lived in different countries in Europe. I felt like I could tell him everything I feel and think. I felt like I truly care about someone and he cared about me. It was wonderful, I felt so happy, alive and felt no lonely even though he was the only person I talked to. Fast forward to six months I broke up with him because I felt quilty for being in two relationships. I broke up because I thought "oh, im with my current bf for two years, I can't just leave for someone I know so short." So I did it and tried to ressurect my relationship with my bf. But it didn't feel right. I was so broken up about the decision I've made and oh my, I've never experienced such mood swings in my life. Few months ago I broke up with that guy because I noticed it was emotionally abusive relationship. I was SO angry that I haven't noticed earlier. I still feel so much hatred towards myself, giving up someone I felt so good with and really cared about. Meanwhile I already have another boyfriend, I like him a lot but I don't think I love him. He's someone I can hang out with when I have time off work. I can't stand the loneliness when I'm alone at home so I fill my free days meeting him so I don feel that way. I feel like we will break up one day but I'm so scared of isolation so I actually postpone it. It's mostly because one day he said we'll break up in 2-3 years because he will want kids and I don't. Im not mad about what he said, I actually agree but sometimes I wonder if he remembers that he said that. My problems with my current boyfriend go above that. I feel so insecure and I have extremely low self esteem. I've never been jelous person but I am about him (wtf!) It doesn't make sense!!! I don't understand it. But I honestly started wondering if it's because I cheated emotionally once and I still beat myself over that previous guy. I have never been jelous when he told me about other girls and even laughed and joked that they liked him. But with my current boyfriend... I'm so jelous, I have this really unpleasant feeling inside of me that he will leave me and I'll end up alone again. As I said I think it's a fallout from my cheating. It's just my thoughts why it might be like that. I honestly sometimes sit with my boyfriend and feel scared I'll never meet anyone like that previous guy, I sometimes think about him when I'm at the presence of my current boyfriend and feel so sad. I feel like I should just stop reminding myself about him but I can't, I really can't move forward... I feel like I'm stuck emotionally and also my family situation isn't good so my problems go above that one guy. I always felt depressed but now I started feeling... aware? I just think I need professional to talk about it so I can move forward because I started feeling I can't do this alone. I feel so hopeless, unhappy and tired all the time. I'm glad I let this out. If you read all of that I'm proud of you! Hahaha! Sigh Please, someone tell me their insight.

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