Filling the void

@Siadzia I can't even imagine the inner conflict and pain you must feel. I really do hope that everything will be okay and honestly my boyfriend broke up with me last week because he knew that I didn't ever want to have sex and I only wanted to have kids through adoption. It hurt me a lot and I'm scared of being alone too. I totally understand that fear, but just from my honest perspective, I think you should talk to and express how you're feeling to your boyfriend since I feel like keeping all of these emotions inside is going to make things worse and I think taking the time to talk and be honest is what will heal this situation. But that's just my opinion and I really hope everything will be okay, I don't know if this will help but I hope that hearing my opinion/perspective on your situation can be of some help.

@Siadzia

Hey there, Thank you for posting your situation, I would like point out some things.

Exactly last year I broke up with someone I loved. This person was forbidden apple, I already had a boyfriend. This person felt so close to me even though we lived in different countries in Europe. I felt like I could tell him everything I feel and think. I felt like I truly care about someone and he cared about me. It was wonderful, I felt so happy, alive and felt no lonely even though he was the only person I talked to. (In here I could tell that your needs and wants were not met on the relationship you had with your boyfriend, he didn't make you feel like the other guy was able to make you feel, so at times your boyfriend did some things that may have push you away, so it made you gravitate to the other guy. I could also tell that this other guy made you feel loved, special, heard and understoood something that your boyfriend was not able to provide. Also there's a chance you became fearful of the future so it made you talk with him) Fast forward to six months I broke up with him because I felt quilty for being in two relationships. I broke up because I thought "oh, im with my current bf for two years, I can't just leave for someone I know so short." So I did it and tried to ressurect my relationship with my bf. But it didn't feel right. I was so broken up about the decision I've made and oh my, I've never experienced such mood swings in my life. (It's understandable, things didn't start the correct way with the other guy, but I could tell you were able to bond with him, so you were bound to feel that way and perhaps feeling separation anxiety). Few months ago I broke up with that guy because I noticed it was emotionally abusive relationship. I was SO angry that I haven't noticed earlier. I still feel so much hatred towards myself, giving up someone I felt so good with and really cared about. (Sometimes people tend to grow watching emotionally abusive relationship to the point it feels very normal to them, so it's hard for the person to recognize signs of an emotionally abusive person. There's also other things like ignoring certain red flags out of fear of being alone, and other feelings)

Meanwhile I already have another boyfriend, I like him a lot but I don't think I love him. He's someone I can hang out with when I have time off work. I can't stand the loneliness when I'm alone at home so I fill my free days meeting him so I don feel that way. (When it comes to relationship, you go there to give, entering a relationship being complete so you can enrich the other person life, just like they will be able to enrich yours, however in here you are entering relationship to soothe your own anxiety and loneliness, so basically this person becomes an object to soothe those two things.) I feel like we will break up one day but I'm so scared of isolation so I actually postpone it. It's mostly because one day he said we'll break up in 2-3 years because he will want kids and I don't. (He is already talking about kids and marriage so soon? he is already pressuposing things will end throughout that time. Well I could tell that isolation its probably something you went through in your childhood, or something about in your past that it's transfering to your adult relationships) Im not mad about what he said, I actually agree but sometimes I wonder if he remembers that he said that.

My problems with my current boyfriend go above that. I feel so insecure and I have extremely low self esteem. I've never been jelous person but I am about him (wtf!) It doesn't make sense!!! I don't understand it. (This is starting to sounds like fear of abandonment or fear of loss so it made you lose emotional self control, anxiety raises so on order to soothe it makes you react in a jealous way). But I honestly started wondering if it's because I cheated emotionally once and I still beat myself over that previous guy. I have never been jelous when he told me about other girls and even laughed and joked that they liked him. But with my current boyfriend... I'm so jelous, I have this really unpleasant feeling inside of me that he will leave me and I'll end up alone again. (Definetly, this is losing emotional self control, anxiety, fear of loss and abandonment. You become hyper vigilant of small and big things of reason where it makes you feel like he could leave you, that you would be all alone in this world, so it'll make you do things whether they are positive or negative to soothe yourself. I could tell you have a hard time soothing yourself, which probably comes from your childhood or things in your past). As I said I think it's a fallout from my cheating. It's just my thoughts why it might be like that. I honestly sometimes sit with my boyfriend and feel scared I'll never meet anyone like that previous guy, I sometimes think about him when I'm at the presence of my current boyfriend and feel so sad. I feel like I should just stop reminding myself about him but I can't, I really can't move forward...(You shouldn't enter on relationships without first making sure you don't have feelings for other people, because it'll make you think about the other person constantly. There's a chance you might be looking for that closeness, the way the other guy made you feel in other people because you really miss the feeling when you were with him)

I feel like I'm stuck emotionally and also my family situation isn't good so my problems go above that one guy. (It sounds like you are stressed and overwhelmed at the moment, it's not easy going through so many things at once, I hope you are able to feel better soon). I always felt depressed but now I started feeling... aware? I just think I need professional to talk about it so I can move forward because I started feeling I can't do this alone. I feel so hopeless, unhappy and tired all the time. I'm glad I let this out. If you read all of that I'm proud of you! Hahaha! Sigh