Skies8014 Member Profile

...See more Buckle up, here's a long one lol TW: drug use/controlling behaviour So my boyfriend(23m) and I (23f) had been together for 3.5 years and friends for a few years prior. We got together during lockdown where our personal situations meant that for the most part, we could still see eachother in person - it was all we were really able to do. At first I was sort of hesitant to spend lots of time together but I quickly got used to it and it became a comfortable assumption that we see eachother every day. This never really changed over the course of our relationship. However, as things started to go back to normal, I found that he wanted to spend more time with friends and I was quite happy to continue as we had been - meaning I admit I neglected my own friends in a bid to spend my time with him. When he'd make plans without me, I'd get nervous for reasons unknown and it'd make me feel very anxious. I tried to (what I thought was) compromise and ask him to give me a rundown of who'd be there and when he'd be home (I feel it's important to add that we don't live together). I understand that this information didn't really affect me, but I asked him to keep in contact and not ignore me while he was out - he's not really the type to look at his phone while he's occupied whereas mine is glued to my hand. He wasn't able to do this reliably and it made me feel both anxious and angry - I'd have very worse case scenario thoughts like was he cheating? Did something bad happen to him? When really he was just having a good time. This caused arguments because he believed that I shouldn't have those thoughts because although there's no way I could know, they weren't true and the information I was requesting was irrelevant to me because it didn't affect me. If he got a text, I'd ask to see who it was because I automatically assumed it might be another girl, it's like I was trying to catch him out or something. I didn't like a few of his friends because they took advantage of him and his kindness on multiple occasions and also had some very damaging views on things - women in particular. I didn't like him spending time with these people and so I found out he started hiding it from me. This particular issue was never addressed but it would be an argument every time they were brought up. Recently, he'd been feeling depressed and I assumed it was because of work - he isn't enjoying his job (working full time from home on his own) and had some money stresses. He's been pushing me away more and more, and I've been trying to fight it by asking him to spend more time away from work and more with me like we used to (nothing major, Sundays off and like 9am-6pm work day). It got more and more difficult to get him to do the things that we used to do all of the time together and his excuse was that he was busy with work. Any time I'd ask him to talk to me about how he was feeling or get help from a councillor or doctor, he'd list lots of reasons why he couldn't or didn't want to and insisted that it'd pass. It got to a point where I feel like I was reliant on his happiness and his moods were bringing me down too. I expressed this to him and all I was met with was exhasperation and dismissal He told me he'd like to try smoking weed (he used to do it as a teen occasionally and never really enjoyed it apparently) with his brother who does it a lot to see if it helped him and I expressed my concerns that I didn't want him to become reliant on it and that I didn't believe it'd be a cure for how he was feeling. He tried it anyway and didn't like how it made him feel. A couple of weeks later he told me he had been thinking about doing it more to "get used to it" to see if it helped him. I told him I thought this was a bad idea. This caused another argument Our communication skills weren't great and there were a lot of times where he'd say or do something which I'd take negatively and tell him that I was upset and he'd be unable to understand my feelings because the way I took it was not how he intended it. This caused most of our arguments. It came to a head on Saturday when I *asked* him if he wanted to break up because that's what I was feeling like. He insisted no but got very angry and wouldn't speak the rest of the night or the next day. On Monday he broke up with me because he believed I told him I wanted to break up with him and because I make him anxious due to all of my questions and nagging and need to know where he is and who he is with. This shattered me completely because although I knew there were some insecurities from my end, I truly felt like my nagging was coming from a place of love and caring for him (don't be home late as you have work in the morning or please don't be late to the plans we have). I do admit that I would be pretty incessant with calling him multiple times to ask when he'd be home and things like that. Since we have broken up we have been speaking but obviously it isn't the same as before. We have both said that we do still love eachother and would like to possibly be together again eventually. We both have a lot of healing to do and I have told him that I have decided to put myself on a journey of healing myself to be a better partner to him instead of being "the controller" of the relationship. He has told me that he has since smoked weed again and found it more enjoyable and that he thinks he'd like to continue regularly for "a short while." I don't support this but I also feel like I need to take a step back from feeling like I have a say in what he does. I'm just processing this and wondering if anyone has any strategies to help me overcome my anxieties around feeling like he doesn't want to spend time with me when he just wants to see his friends. I have over the past few days, made an effort to not ask him questions and to spend time both on my own and with my own friends and I have come to realise that I can be happier doing my own thing, I'm just worried that if we do get back together that these feelings will take over me again and I won't be able to keep my promise of being a better person. If you made it this far, thank you

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

🌈 Lisa Meighan is a psychotherapist registered with the British...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio