I need to stop being controlling
Buckle up, here's a long one lol
TW: drug use/controlling behaviour
So my boyfriend(23m) and I (23f) had been together for 3.5 years and friends for a few years prior. We got together during lockdown where our personal situations meant that for the most part, we could still see eachother in person - it was all we were really able to do.
At first I was sort of hesitant to spend lots of time together but I quickly got used to it and it became a comfortable assumption that we see eachother every day. This never really changed over the course of our relationship. However, as things started to go back to normal, I found that he wanted to spend more time with friends and I was quite happy to continue as we had been - meaning I admit I neglected my own friends in a bid to spend my time with him.
When he'd make plans without me, I'd get nervous for reasons unknown and it'd make me feel very anxious. I tried to (what I thought was) compromise and ask him to give me a rundown of who'd be there and when he'd be home (I feel it's important to add that we don't live together). I understand that this information didn't really affect me, but I asked him to keep in contact and not ignore me while he was out - he's not really the type to look at his phone while he's occupied whereas mine is glued to my hand. He wasn't able to do this reliably and it made me feel both anxious and angry - I'd have very worse case scenario thoughts like was he cheating? Did something bad happen to him? When really he was just having a good time. This caused arguments because he believed that I shouldn't have those thoughts because although there's no way I could know, they weren't true and the information I was requesting was irrelevant to me because it didn't affect me.
If he got a text, I'd ask to see who it was because I automatically assumed it might be another girl, it's like I was trying to catch him out or something.
I didn't like a few of his friends because they took advantage of him and his kindness on multiple occasions and also had some very damaging views on things - women in particular. I didn't like him spending time with these people and so I found out he started hiding it from me. This particular issue was never addressed but it would be an argument every time they were brought up.
Recently, he'd been feeling depressed and I assumed it was because of work - he isn't enjoying his job (working full time from home on his own) and had some money stresses. He's been pushing me away more and more, and I've been trying to fight it by asking him to spend more time away from work and more with me like we used to (nothing major, Sundays off and like 9am-6pm work day). It got more and more difficult to get him to do the things that we used to do all of the time together and his excuse was that he was busy with work.
Any time I'd ask him to talk to me about how he was feeling or get help from a councillor or doctor, he'd list lots of reasons why he couldn't or didn't want to and insisted that it'd pass. It got to a point where I feel like I was reliant on his happiness and his moods were bringing me down too. I expressed this to him and all I was met with was exhasperation and dismissal
He told me he'd like to try smoking weed (he used to do it as a teen occasionally and never really enjoyed it apparently) with his brother who does it a lot to see if it helped him and I expressed my concerns that I didn't want him to become reliant on it and that I didn't believe it'd be a cure for how he was feeling. He tried it anyway and didn't like how it made him feel. A couple of weeks later he told me he had been thinking about doing it more to "get used to it" to see if it helped him. I told him I thought this was a bad idea. This caused another argument
Our communication skills weren't great and there were a lot of times where he'd say or do something which I'd take negatively and tell him that I was upset and he'd be unable to understand my feelings because the way I took it was not how he intended it. This caused most of our arguments.
It came to a head on Saturday when I *asked* him if he wanted to break up because that's what I was feeling like. He insisted no but got very angry and wouldn't speak the rest of the night or the next day. On Monday he broke up with me because he believed I told him I wanted to break up with him and because I make him anxious due to all of my questions and nagging and need to know where he is and who he is with. This shattered me completely because although I knew there were some insecurities from my end, I truly felt like my nagging was coming from a place of love and caring for him (don't be home late as you have work in the morning or please don't be late to the plans we have). I do admit that I would be pretty incessant with calling him multiple times to ask when he'd be home and things like that.
Since we have broken up we have been speaking but obviously it isn't the same as before. We have both said that we do still love eachother and would like to possibly be together again eventually. We both have a lot of healing to do and I have told him that I have decided to put myself on a journey of healing myself to be a better partner to him instead of being "the controller" of the relationship.
He has told me that he has since smoked weed again and found it more enjoyable and that he thinks he'd like to continue regularly for "a short while." I don't support this but I also feel like I need to take a step back from feeling like I have a say in what he does.
I'm just processing this and wondering if anyone has any strategies to help me overcome my anxieties around feeling like he doesn't want to spend time with me when he just wants to see his friends.
I have over the past few days, made an effort to not ask him questions and to spend time both on my own and with my own friends and I have come to realise that I can be happier doing my own thing, I'm just worried that if we do get back together that these feelings will take over me again and I won't be able to keep my promise of being a better person.
If you made it this far, thank you
@Skies8014,
in a relationship, it's important to trust one another, to accept the other and to give the other space.
It does seem he got fed up with the feeling being controlled. Take distance, enjoy being alone, give him and yourself space and use the time to ask yourself why you have a need to be controlling.
Hey,
im sorry your having issues in your relationship but well done for taking the steps in trying to get in a healthier situation. I was thinking with what you said you can be dependant on your phone so for that issue you can use apps to help limit your usage of your phone. If you give this website a read you could find one that would work for you and it will be scary at first as control isn’t always the easiest to let go of especially when you are having anxious thoughts but it will get easier and the outcome will most definitely be positive and can boost your productivity.(https://geekflare.com/apps-to-stop-smartphone-addiction/)
Another way you can feel included with your partner is by making plans together but with both friend groups. You will both be able to get the aspect of having fun with friends as well as each other without feeling claustrophobic.
Making set days to spend with each other like every Sunday isnt a bad idea as you both will have a comment to each other but not have to spend every day which I can fully understand will be hard especially with covid forcing everyone to stay inside for a long period of time, it’s normal to have some dependency as at one point you were all you were allowed to see so don’t put yourself down to much.
the last thing I can think of that could help with the arguments is understanding disagreements are normal as it’s a persons way of getting their point across but the important thing is the way you communicate it. When you want to get you point across to someone it can feel sometimes that your being attacked which would make you both feel unheard and uncomfortable. If you try and sit together with the rules of one person speaks at a time with no interruption and the mutual agreement to not raising your voice to ensure full understanding and being open to questions you both may have.
I hope some of these things help and your relationship improves with time and again well done for taking accountability and wanting to make a change. That’s a big step in the right direction.
Are you able to go to counseling or at least talk to listeners on here? Usually these type of issues come from childhood and unmet needs growing up.
@Skies8014
Heyy there Skies, first off, thank you for sharing and being open about your feelings. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge areas where we can improve, and your self-awareness is commendable.
Taking these steps toward self-improvement and allowing space for you and him speaks volumes of your strength. Healing is a journey, often with its share of setbacks.
I understand it's easy to fall into the habit that kept you apart, and it's important to think about it if you're considering to re-enter that relationship.
While your time apart it seems you've found your sense of independence and self-worth by making time for yourself and friends, which is amazing and I'm glad it made you happier.
Maintaining that sense just might be the key to keep your anxiety at bay if you decided to get back together with him, remembering that you've got your friends there to support you and that they're by your side even when he's away for a while.
Perhaps you can also consider exploring anxiety coping strategies, such as practicing self-care or connecting with different listeners who can help you brainstorm effective coping techniques.
It's not going to be easy, because from experience I know how much anxiety can suck, but you'll get there. You have a community of people here, and your friends out there, to support you through this.
Remember to be kind to yourself during this process, change takes time and effort.
Best wishes to you 😊