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Solving93175
1,519 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts49 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes23 Current upvotes23 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2022 Member sinceSeptember 18, 2017
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I need some clarity. I can't stop crying
35 & Over Community / by Solving93175
Last post
 January 21st, 2023
...See more Hi Everyone, I hope that my post doesn't sound silly or dumb. I feel pretty bad about my choices yet I am having a hard time with understanding direction. Backstory: Just officially broke up after almost 7 years together. I experienced lies, deceit, cheating and the last straw physical abuse. The physical abuse occurred last year of which he went to jail for. My dilemma is understanding the intent behind my now ex's statements. I have had quite a bit confusion in understanding if his intents are manipulative or if they are logical and with good points. I must admit that to me I don't believe that he had the right intentions when I first met him. The cheating, lying, omitting information I presume went on for the majority of our time together. The fighting and disagreements got worse as I kept pressing him for the truth. I believe that he would lie to only get me to stop inquiring. I made attempts to try and work on how we could have a better relationship. I questioned myself: was I not meeting his needs, what could I do better, was i not prettier, funnier, intelligent, sexier, etc. it seemed at times we would get back on a better path or perhaps I thought. I was striving to deepen our connection, open myself up to becoming more vulnerable, intent on communicating more and just being an overall open book. it seemed he would be reluctant and not always willing to become that vulnerable person. I admit when I began to get anxious I started to snoop. No justification for my behavior as I only wanted answers and it didn't seem that he was open to sharing that part of himself. I eventually, found out that he was still lying and speaking to women. It always seemed like his reasons changed: they are only friends, he is poly and wants a poly relationship, I am being to needy, i am too controlling and demanding. i kept trying. I now know I just wanted him to love me. I expected that from him. Especially, since he told me that he loved me, wanted me and adored me. i wanted to feel that. I have never felt loved, adored and supported and for once I found myself fighting to make it true. fast forward to the physical assault that led him to jail: the result of the assault was from me confronting him after he was gone for a week where I found that he had slept with multiple women. he blames me for going to jail as he said i went through his belongings (side note: i went through his belongings and found a hotel key of which prompted me to confront him). When I confronted him he attacked, punched and strangled me, multiple times. Present day: once he was released from jail, he wanted to start anew. He said he was extremely sorry and wanted to make things worked. i wanted to make things work as well. I loved him. I still do. My heart grieves for so many reasons. Was I wrong for snooping after he made amends and wanted to start fresh? I was prompted to seek out the truth as he began to get agitated and upset when I would ask him if he was still speaking to other women. Am I wrong for thinking that he should want to comfort me and protect me after everything that happened? I expected that he would be more gentle and loving in his approach to me. It seems that his idea of being patient with me was only short lived as he says that I spoke about the same hurts and pains without any resolve. I think I often brought up much of my pain even after it all because I didn't feel seen and heard. i mentioned that, but he did not reason with that. He said I was being illogical as we would often talk about the same hurts of the past for 10 months. should i have expected him to be more patient? or did my persistence of wanting him to be more sensitive cause him to leave? did i have the wrong expectations and place to many demands on him? I simply wanted him to comfort me and make me feel safe once and for all. He told me this week that we can only be friends as he did not like how i blew up at him and could not have a functional conversation. am i being unreasonable thinking that he should have been more patient as i literally went through so much pain with him for over 6 years. he says that his 10 months of actively trying was more that he could do. i feel awful. i feel alone and so unbelievably sad. i wonder if i caused this to some degree because of all the hurt that I have not healed from.
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