I need some clarity. I can't stop crying
Hi Everyone,
I hope that my post doesn't sound silly or dumb. I feel pretty bad about my choices yet I am having a hard time with understanding direction.
Backstory: Just officially broke up after almost 7 years together. I experienced lies, deceit, cheating and the last straw physical abuse. The physical abuse occurred last year of which he went to jail for.
My dilemma is understanding the intent behind my now ex's statements. I have had quite a bit confusion in understanding if his intents are manipulative or if they are logical and with good points.
I must admit that to me I don't believe that he had the right intentions when I first met him. The cheating, lying, omitting information I presume went on for the majority of our time together. The fighting and disagreements got worse as I kept pressing him for the truth. I believe that he would lie to only get me to stop inquiring. I made attempts to try and work on how we could have a better relationship. I questioned myself: was I not meeting his needs, what could I do better, was i not prettier, funnier, intelligent, sexier, etc.
it seemed at times we would get back on a better path or perhaps I thought. I was striving to deepen our connection, open myself up to becoming more vulnerable, intent on communicating more and just being an overall open book. it seemed he would be reluctant and not always willing to become that vulnerable person. I admit when I began to get anxious I started to snoop. No justification for my behavior as I only wanted answers and it didn't seem that he was open to sharing that part of himself. I eventually, found out that he was still lying and speaking to women. It always seemed like his reasons changed: they are only friends, he is poly and wants a poly relationship, I am being to needy, i am too controlling and demanding.
i kept trying. I now know I just wanted him to love me. I expected that from him. Especially, since he told me that he loved me, wanted me and adored me. i wanted to feel that. I have never felt loved, adored and supported and for once I found myself fighting to make it true.
fast forward to the physical assault that led him to jail: the result of the assault was from me confronting him after he was gone for a week where I found that he had slept with multiple women.
he blames me for going to jail as he said i went through his belongings (side note: i went through his belongings and found a hotel key of which prompted me to confront him). When I confronted him he attacked, punched and strangled me, multiple times.
Present day: once he was released from jail, he wanted to start anew. He said he was extremely sorry and wanted to make things worked. i wanted to make things work as well. I loved him. I still do. My heart grieves for so many reasons.
Was I wrong for snooping after he made amends and wanted to start fresh? I was prompted to seek out the truth as he began to get agitated and upset when I would ask him if he was still speaking to other women.
Am I wrong for thinking that he should want to comfort me and protect me after everything that happened?
I expected that he would be more gentle and loving in his approach to me. It seems that his idea of being patient with me was only short lived as he says that I spoke about the same hurts and pains without any resolve. I think I often brought up much of my pain even after it all because I didn't feel seen and heard. i mentioned that, but he did not reason with that. He said I was being illogical as we would often talk about the same hurts of the past for 10 months.
should i have expected him to be more patient? or did my persistence of wanting him to be more sensitive cause him to leave?
did i have the wrong expectations and place to many demands on him?
I simply wanted him to comfort me and make me feel safe once and for all. He told me this week that we can only be friends as he did not like how i blew up at him and could not have a functional conversation.
am i being unreasonable thinking that he should have been more patient as i literally went through so much pain with him for over 6 years. he says that his 10 months of actively trying was more that he could do.
i feel awful. i feel alone and so unbelievably sad.
i wonder if i caused this to some degree because of all the hurt that I have not healed from.
Hello, @Solving93175 I’m so sorry to hear that, I know breakups can be hard when you love a person so much and think that they will never leave. You didn’t do anything wrong by snooping, you just wanted to find answers because he didn’t be honest with you and tell you things. As for the physical assault, please don’t think that it was your fault that he went to jail, he did that to himself, he had no right to put his hands on you no matter how angry he got. You deserve better. I know sometimes all you want to do is be with a person you love that you will take them back no matter what they did or how bad they have hurt you, I know that feeling… But from what I’ve learned, you have to think of your mental health and ask yourself do you want to keep going through the same thing? Your situation is very scary and I see that you have been through alot, please allow yourself time to heal. It will get better overtime. And please remember that you aren’t alone.
@strwberryhearts I appreciate your kind words. I am doing the best I can with seeking mental help. Its a very tough time for me as I am experiencing highs and lows. I appreciate this community so much as sometimes I feel so hopeless. Thank you for the encouragement.
@Solving93175 You’re very welcome :”) And I’m glad to hear that, please remember to take breaks and find time for yourself to do things you love that will help. There will be good and bad days but please know that you aren’t alone and that people care, and that things will get better with time 🤍🤍
You can't heal from hurt when someone is still hurting you. A healthy relationship does not require a person to basically be a forensic investigator in order to dig the truth out of someone who is supposed to be your closest confidant in life. And, when you do go to all that trouble and effort to try and save the relationship, they get mad which is bad enough, but they then physically hurt you???? That is NOT love. Maybe love on your part. But the opposite of what love is on their part. Please visit Youtube and search Dr. Romani on what toxic relationships are. Somewhere along the line in life you were taught to beg for an ounce of affection and that if you asked for anything in return, that you were out of line and deserved to be mentally abused. That is the opposite of love. Being alone and single is more loving to yourself than this abuse. Please research gaslighting and what domestic abuse looks like. There is emotional abuse, psychological abuse, financial abuse, etc., and then at the very extreme end of abuse is physical abuse. Nobody deserves any one of those. And you are experiencing all of them. That's not love. That is you begging a person incapable of love, for breadcrumbs of compassion. Of which you are not even receiving. Your life has more value on this planet than to waste another minute of it trying to beg someone to even be remotely compassionate towards you. Take your love and pour it into a job or volunteering. Where it will be valued and appreciated. Love yourself first. Once you do that, then maybe it's time for a relationship. But not until you do you first. And anyone that gets in the way of that, and is not your cheerleader in life, is not the right person. Hugs
@bestLunch109 Thank you for your insight. I am encouraged by you being so direct and to the point. I needed that. It's funny because I had no clue what gaslighting or the signs of emotional abuse were. I just know that I began to not even trust my own voice, my own thoughts and intuition. I was sitting here a while ago thinking maybe it was my fault that I expected him to love me? I'll expound. I remember in the beginning I dove into the relationship with all these expectations quickly. I would ignore the signs when I think about the inconsistency and now the lies. I kept pursuing the issue and making it more than what it was when in reality I should not have created a relationship with someone whom clearly was showing me that they never wanted me. Its confusing to me at times, because at one point early on when I stopped talking to him and was not at all attached to the outcome we stopped talking for months (this was like the first few months in knowing him) and then all of a sudden he calls me pressing me to either show him that I was serious or I should move on. I think I mistook that as a sign that he really wanted to be with me but in hindsight, he could not have. As there were always other women that he was reaching out to.
I started to email him just now and send him an apology for pushing for something that was never there. But you have shed light on so many points, i dont think its necessary. Thank you.
@Solving93175 While I don't recommend snooping on someone since it can violate their privacy, I can understand it's something that came from you feeling insecure and unhappy in the relationship. You are human and the way he reacted is abusive and not at all okay. A healthy partner would have tried to communicate how they felt about it, not hurt you like that. I hope you steer clear of him and can focus on your healing.
@Daydreamer47 Thank you. Yes, healing is my primary focus at this moment.
@Solving93175 He is an abusive partner. Nothing you did caused him to be that way and there is nothing you could have done to change him. You have been doing mental gymnastics to rationalize his terrible behavior because at least if it was your fault, you might be able to change it. And of course abusers are all too ready to avoid accountability, blame their victims, and say or do just enough to keep you trapped by that lure of potential love.
It might be helpful to look into codependency and start healing so you have a chance at a healthy relationship with someone else in the future.
@Faraweigh, I appreciate your response. You have shed light on so many points. "Mental gymnastics" I didn't realize I was putting myself through that. Its terrible because I don't know how to stop it. I keep searching for answers. To your point about blaming myself, is that the cycle of abuse? I am constantly second guessing and/or trying to find a solution when I think about all the things that transpired. Many times I am in limbo and usually settle on blaming myself. He says that I am always trying to play victim.
@Solving93175
Abuse is often destabilizing and confusing, so yes it is common to ruminate on it a lot and it is common for victims of abuse to blame themselves and/or for their abusive partner to blame them. There really is not a way to make it make sense or make it acceptable.
The “solution” might look something like really distilling it down into its most basic elements that you know to be true: “That was not a healthy relationship for me, and he was not able to be a healthy partner. That really hurt.”
This sentence that you said was pretty revealing:
“i kept trying. I now know I just wanted him to love me. I expected that from him. Especially, since he told me that he loved me, wanted me and adored me. i wanted to feel that. I have never felt loved, adored and supported and for once I found myself fighting to make it true.”
Hearing that you -never- felt loved, adored, or supported indicates that you probably had a childhood that did not give you the tools you needed to be able to self-regulate and recognize what is or is not a healthy relationship, or how to build and maintain healthy relationships.
So then, you have this innate human desire to feel loved and connected, and you’re pretty much willing to give anything to make it work…yet you have no lived examples of what that should actually look or feel like. That puts you in a vulnerable position where you are easily manipulated, hurt, lied to, and/or taken advantage of.
It is not your fault that you were abused; you just wanted to be loved. When you are a child and you have parents or caregivers that aren’t able to model healthy love for you, your little child brain knows that you can’t survive without them, so you have to find a way to accept that attachment and make it okay in your mind, even when it is not okay. Then when you become an adult, you will continue that pattern of trying to rationalize not okay attachments as something you can accept in your mind. That is where you find yourself constantly exhausted, hurt, and disappointed; flipping through mental gymnastics and never sticking the landing.
The good news is that now that you are not a child, you CAN actually do something about it, stop the mental gymnastics, and build the skills you need to be able to find healthy connections. It can be super overwhelming to start, it is difficult, and you will need support on the way. There is nothing inherently wrong with you or unlovable about you. You have something that at one point helped protect you, and now it is hurting you, so it needs to be unlearned and new things need to be learned and practiced in place of that.
Some topics that might be relevant and helpful to look into include: childhood trauma/neglect, codependency, healthy communication, healthy relationships, unhealthy communication, unhealthy relationships
Some resources that might be helpful:
YouTube, Patrick Teahan and The Cr*ppy Childhood Fairy (7cups censors this)
Patrick Teahan LICSW - YouTube
Cr*ppy Childhood Fairy - YouTube
Books, Codependent No More and The Drama of the Gifted Child
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Beattie, Melody: 9781954118218: Amazon.com: Books
Amazon.com: The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self (Audible Audio Edition): Alice Miller, Suzanne Toren, Hachette Audio: Audible Books & Originals
And if all that gets rather heavy, I also suggest watching wholesome childrens’ shows that teach lessons about emotional regulation and healthy relationships. The new She Ra on Netflix follows a journey of what it can be like to grow up not having healthy interpersonal relationships and then finding out what those are really like.
Sooooo that was all rather long, but hopefully something in there might be helpful for understanding where you are at and/or assist you in getting to where you’d like to be.
(also if you can access it I highly reccommend therapy.)
He is a narcissist and he is manipulating you. His all the sudden "cold" response is toying with you. When he was first released, he was hoovering and love bombing you because you were the only available option. Now you're not. I guarantee he has someone else and you wont hear from him until he has no options again. These people are not capable of genuine love in the selfless sense. Only in the transactional sense. You have a trauma bond. You have been through so much of the crazy making....he loves me, he's all I want. Why is he so hateful and cruel? He will be your dream one minute, nightmare the next. They get to know what your buttons are, to push them, and get you to act out of character, and make them the victim.no matter what you did, he nearly killed you in response. That's not love. You have been beat up for too long. Dont beat yourself up too. This was abuse, and my advice is cut contact with him completely, possibly seek a restraining order, and seek therapy to heal and love yourself and see this for what it is. Reading this was difficult. It was almost exactly my 6 year relationship with my narcissist ex, except I didn't press charges. He left me when I was no longer a benefit when I needed him the most- surgery, lost my family...for someone else, and immediately got engaged. After everything I lost to be with him...because I loved him. Its been a year, I'm still sad, but I see it for what it was. You just wanted back what you gave and deserved from someone who isn't capable of love. Chances are, your background has abandonment, and history of chasing love and affection from emotionally absent people to feel worthy. I cant stress this enough...give yourself the love you were looking for and giving away. It wont change the past, but it will lessen the chances of attracting those kind of people in the future.
Much love. <3
@DakotaRaven, Thank you! Thank you. Yes, I have some abandonment issues. My mother dropped me off at a friends house when I was 12 and refused to take me back home until I was 15. I didnt have my father in my life and when I reflect back to all of my relationships even the relationship with my mother I realize all I do is chase other people to love me. I am working on self love, although I feel so vulnerable as in How do I love myself. I feel as if I don't know how. He told me that i had so many demons and I wonder if my insecurities pushed him away. Do you think that me wanting someone to love me was the primary issue? I agree, it doesn't give him license to hurt me. I am desperately working on me...whatever it takes. Some days I feel so defeated. Like I am a lost cause, like maybe he is right something is terribly wrong with me. I am being more conscious about how I speak to myself. I have to learn patience and understanding. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I'm sorry for the delayed response. No, your issues didn't push him away, because he's not capable of real genuine emotions, especially love, that accepts another's limitations, and never. Never uses them against you. Him convincing you of that kept you dependent, and the thought of... if I'm like he says, I will never find someone who can love me like him. He stays with me, in spite of my flaws. Keeping you defeated keeps you dependent on him, and controls you. Its a manipulation. Mine used to do the same thing. I have started therapy and am trying to work on myself too.
Much love
@Solving93175
Hi Solving,
yes I too know what you’re feeling and went thru. After 10 yrs of divorcing him I realized that we have been caught in the anxious-avoidant trap. You have abandoned issues and he is not emotionally available. If we don’t heal we will continue to attract the same type of people. I’m Now in a relationship going on 2 yrs after being single for this long and I’m starting to realize that I have attracted an avoidant. I noticed when I started showing signs of anxiety.
Truth is we never fully heal. I have been in this battle all my life.
You just deserve a loyal loving caring decent person. No need to feel bad about your part.You have already undergone a lot. There are many good men out there searching for a pretty heart. Past is past, we cannot change, but as we have learned some, we can try to continue with a white hopeful page, wisely and passionately. I pray that you will have a much more better new life, eternally
@Solving93175 Hi. I’m sorry that you are feeling alone. It sounds like he put you through a lot of trauma. You may want to talk with someone like a domestic violence therapist or support group. You did nothing, absolutely nothing, to deserve this. I understand that you wanted to believe in him and why you were surprised that his plan to be “patient” faded so quickly. No matter how well intentioned he may be, he clearly seems to exhibit abusive behaviors which are almost certainly a disaster for any type of relationship you might want to build with him. And, it is NOT your responsibility to help him try to be a good partner - no mater how much you love him, it is his job and he is the only one who can do it. And unfortunately this is unlikely something he can learn quickly enough. Your best bet is to protect yourself - seriously, talk to someone who knows about domestic violence and how you can protect yourself both emotionally and physically.
@Solving93175 I think such a person should not have any exchanges with him, because his character has a problem, and if you continue to associate with him, it will waste his time
@Solving93175While I don't recommend snooping on someone since it can violate their privacy, I can understand it's something that came from you feeling insecure and unhappy in the relationship. You are human and the way he reacted is abusive and not at all okay. A healthy partner would have tried to communicate how they felt about it, not hurt you like that. I hope you steer clear of him and can focus on your healing.
