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Speck123
6,585 M Moving Along 4
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts98 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes11 Current upvotes11 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2024 Member sinceJune 25, 2017
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Mother with borderline personality disorder
Trauma Support / by Speck123
Last post
 July 31st, 2017
...See more I had times of complete normalcy in my family. Times when I was loved and was told I was loved. I was bought nice things and got what I wanted for my birthdays. My mum would make nice meals for me when I was sick. But then... She also had unpredictable rage fits and verbally abused all of us. I remember seeing her on the bathroom floor, crying while my dad dragged her up. She would have scratch marks on her arms from anxiety and would talk about dying all the time. After she went psycho, she used to come into my room and give me a hug and cry that she was sorry and I'd have to comfort her. I was moved 13 times before I got to high school because she was depressed/anxious, often after promising my sister and I that we were staying put. I saw her bite my dads arm once and he used to call her a stupid b****. They used to sit us down about once a year and tell us they were getting a divorce, even though they never did...I wanted them to so badly. My mum remembers none of this when confronted by it. I have real opposite versions of my upbringing - ones that are completely fine and then ones that make me think I was emotionally abused. It's very confusing and has meant I don't trust myself. But that's what you live with from a parent with unpredictable mood swings.
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Fear of intimacy and getting close to people
Depression Support / by Speck123
Last post
 July 16th, 2017
...See more I've recently been so depressed by this. And I'm realizing it comes from some trauma from my upbringing. Having a mentally unstable mother who, after her rage fits, used to come into my room and give me a hug while apologizing. It made me feel so powerless and I've just realised that physical contact ...hugging, etc has always elicited a similar feeling where I feel like I shut down. I've never kissed anyone or held a guy's hand even. It makes me soooo depressed because it's the thing I crave the most but I feel like there must be some vibe about me that pushes people away and I don't know how to get rid of it. Does anyone else feel like they're fundamentally flawed or messed up in a way that prevents them from fully tapping into the most rewarding elements of life - vulnerability and intimacy? It makes me feel like I'm not a proper human like everyone else :(
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