Fear of intimacy and getting close to people
I've recently been so depressed by this. And I'm realizing it comes from some trauma from my upbringing. Having a mentally unstable mother who, after her rage fits, used to come into my room and give me a hug while apologizing. It made me feel so powerless and I've just realised that physical contact ...hugging, etc has always elicited a similar feeling where I feel like I shut down.
I've never kissed anyone or held a guy's hand even. It makes me soooo depressed because it's the thing I crave the most but I feel like there must be some vibe about me that pushes people away and I don't know how to get rid of it. Does anyone else feel like they're fundamentally flawed or messed up in a way that prevents them from fully tapping into the most rewarding elements of life - vulnerability and intimacy? It makes me feel like I'm not a proper human like everyone else :(
Hey there, i feel similar as you, but from a diferent reason. When I was young i was molested by a friend of the family, i didn't really understood what was happening with me. And even after that I atrackted these kinds of man. When my depression evolved i started to feel disgust and repulsion toward others and myself, but the other hand i carved for intimacy , and someone who understands all that mess. But i didn't find yet anybody... I want it so bad in my head but when its happening i feel panic and its makes me hate myself more. I think for us who suffered from a trauma, we have to learn to trust again and its so hard but i wanna belive that is possible, so don't give up, its not your fault that you feel this way!
@honestFan6136 I'm so sorry to hear you've been through that. I also believe it's possible, but it will just take some work to get there and maybe some extra time and I'm learning to be a bit kinder to myself when I'm not as trusting as I'd like to be at this point in time. Hope you find happiness, you deserve it :)
@Speck123 Thank you, and i wish you to start to love yourself as soon as possible because that is the most important thing, from my opinion :)
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us here. I have personally not experienced this with my depression, but I have often felt like I was unworthy of love but it was the single thing I craved the most. When relationships failed, I would blame myself because I thought there was something wrong with me. I can guarantee you that it wasn't true and it's not true with you either. You have been through alot, but it doesn't make you broken. It doesn't mean you shouldn't be loved. You deserve to heal and be loved. And even yet, you deserve to be loved when you are suffering. The world is so strange because in the middle of our worst suffering, sometimes we find people who are amazing to us, or we find that love inside of ourselves. I hope that you find this too. You deserve it. I'm here if you ever want to talk. :) Good luck!
@blueocean45 "you deserve to be loved when you are suffering" - thank you for those words. I often think that I can only get what I want once I've become this perfect version of myself. I think I lose faith sometimes that people might help me along the way and accept me for who I am right now as I recover. I'm so sorry to hear you've felt that way with your depression, I feel the same...I also feel like I don't deserve or am not capable of loving close relationships...like it's not meant for me unless I majorly change myself. I've also had a chronic illness and was moved multiple times throughout school due to my mum's mental instability (suspected borderline.) And just got rejected by a close friend of mine who is the only person I've ever felt alive around. So struggling to cope right now but I'm in therapy and finally addressing why I don't feel fulfilled. And learning that I've been through a lot and am actually having normal reactions to dysfunctional situations I've been in and am not fundamentally flawed or broken.
@Speck123 I'm so sorry to hear about your additional struggles but I'm so incredibly proud of you for having the courage to go to therapy. It takes so much courage to want to change and to see things we don't want. I know for me I had a hard time accepting that it was okay to not be perfect and it didn't make me a bad person. And I had a hard time accepting that I couldn't change my family, but these are things that are so important for us to learn because they effect our self worth so much. You are not perfect, I'm not perfect, no one is and it's okay. It's really okay. :)
@blueocean45 thank you, it's nice to hear that from someone. And I think going to therapy gives me a confidence boost...like I'm doing something about my life now and trying things out of my comfort zone. I always thought I was incapable of speaking about what hurts me but I cried in front of 3 doctors who were complete strangers because I wanted a referral to a therapist. And I've been completely honest with my therapist about my issues in only 4 sessions which I'm really proud of. I also told 2 of my friends about my struggles. Now I just have to learn how to talk about it without crying.
@Speck123 Hey, I just wanted to let you know that it is completely normal to feel this way and I absolutely empathize. I used to shy away the moment a guy flirts with me and to be honest, it's more of a trust thing. You just need to find someone you trust and can be truly comfortable with :)