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TheEarthWalker
1,895 M Hopeful Heart 1
PathStep 15 Compassion hearts38 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2021 Member sinceJuly 22, 2015
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I feel so empty right now. I don't even know if this is depression. I think this is as good as it gets for me.
Depression Support / by TheEarthWalker
Last post
 August 25th, 2015
...See more Right now, I feel so... bland. It's hard to explain, and that's so frustrating. I just don't care about anything and everything I do feels like i'm staring at a blank wall. Imagine that feeling all day. I don't know if it's just because i've kind of "checked out" of normal life. I do not care about pleasing people, money, buying things, celebrities, the media, having a white picket fence life, or anything like that. I feel like my faith in humanity is zilch and as i'm not like other people my age(20) I don't see what the point is in sticking around. Nobody cares about the things I do, about meaningful things. The majority of people are too busy gossiping about the latest celebrity scandal, whilst I sit and think about the world and philosophy and things of that nature. Nobody would want a person like me. It hurts me because no matter how much pain i've been through, even if it makes me develop some good qualities, who cares? Nobody cares about that, I feel like, as i'm female, i'm just supposed to look pleasing. You know what I mean. Who cares what i'm like on the inside? I feel like modern day culture has ruined the avarage persons mind, and now I live in a world where I feel so completely different. Everybody wants a quick fix, they want everything right now, people cheat and have one night stands. Nobody cares about meaningful things, they just pretend to. It's all b*llsh*t and quick fixes. I've just become so disillusioned by life, I just don't care anymore, and I think everybody else seems foolish. I don't care about the latest popular video, I don't care about chart music and people in general bore me as they go on about these things, and i'm expected to act interested because i'm the weird one. I feel like a complete alien on this planet, and I hate it. I sometimes consider suicide because I just have no idea how i'm supposed to happily survive in a world like this. To me, it is a very logical idea. I just wasn't born to be in this world. I've seen the same old things over and over again on the news and things that I just don't care anymore, and instead have become apathetic, and i'm beginning to see people as things more and more because that's all I see with most people. That's all they portray themselves as. They don't have a mind, theyre just flesh. I have a problem with sleeping too much because when I dream, it's the only time I feel anything, and when i'm free from all this. For this reason I tend to be wary of drugs and alcohol because I know i'm the kind of person that, if something can get me out of this reality, i'll be out of here in a flash! I should probably also note that I have had and "apparantly" still do have depression(though I think I just don't buy into the b*llsh*t i'm expected to, and people who dont think like me wont realise this). And I also am said to have Aspergers Syndrome. I don't take this diagnosis very seriously because everything seems to have a medical label nowadays and I don't think these "proffesionals" really understand a thing to be honest, because they've only read about it, not lived it, and they don't really care either. I'm currently on antidepressants. I didn't want to be, but i'd tried everything and it was a last resort. So now i'm left like this, not great, not terrible, occasionly feeling both, but mostly I feel empty and just do not care about life. It's worth noting I felt like this before the medication too, so it's not a side effect. I don't want to try other medications because I dont want to be on and off different medications all the time, having to deal with their side effects. Thanks to anyone who read all this. I know it was alot to read and I probably sound really whiny, but I never say this to anybody in my life because I don't think they'd understand and i'd feel more frustrated and alone. Hopefully someone reading this does.
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I want to run away and start a new life.
Depression Support / by TheEarthWalker
Last post
 July 28th, 2015
...See more I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but what I really need is to just vent and get this off my chest, and whoever see's this, see's it. I'm a young person and I suppose I've been, to varying degrees, what they'd call depressed for a long time now. I have had a lot of therapy, and it never helped but I am now on medication. I was also diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome not long ago. At the moment, I am an introverted person, I have no friends and I don't go to college anymore. So I suppose my life is fairly isolated, but that doesn't bother me at all. I hate college, and the bigger system it is a part of, and I have no time or energy for people who I do not genuinely care about. I don't like pretending and acting for people, it's too tiring and it's not worth it just to be socially accepted on such a surface level. I think people think I'm quite a cold person for reasons like that, but I just think I'm very authentic. I think I see things quite differently from the majority of people as I can't stand TV and the media and the whole 9-5 job, go home and watch TV, spend money and live your life for the future type life and the way society is saddens me sometimes. The thing is, and the reason I'm making this post, is that I'm sick of the way people look at me now, especially after my diagnosis. I'm trying to move forward, but I feel like the box people have over time put me in is really holding me back. Sometimes I just feel like going and doing something really uncharacteristic of me, because I'm tired of being seen as a depressed "aspie". I just feel like doing something to shock people, to prove that they don't know me as well as they thought, and prove everyone wrong, because I don't think this is the person I want to be. I would like to be able to go and build a whole new life, where nobody knows I have been/am depressed and that I have Aspergers Syndrome, so I can grow without those confines. I don't even know what I'm getting at here, I just needed to write this down. I'm thinking of things I can do, just to break free from it. I don't want these things to be part of my life anymore, but the fact that these things exist in the minds of others, makes it feel more difficult to get over, because I'm not just recovering myself, but their idea of me too, so that I can finally, wholly be a new person.
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