I feel so empty right now. I don't even know if this is depression. I think this is as good as it gets for me.
Right now, I feel so... bland. It's hard to explain, and that's so frustrating. I just don't care about anything and everything I do feels like i'm staring at a blank wall. Imagine that feeling all day. I don't know if it's just because i've kind of "checked out" of normal life. I do not care about pleasing people, money, buying things, celebrities, the media, having a white picket fence life, or anything like that. I feel like my faith in humanity is zilch and as i'm not like other people my age(20) I don't see what the point is in sticking around. Nobody cares about the things I do, about meaningful things. The majority of people are too busy gossiping about the latest celebrity scandal, whilst I sit and think about the world and philosophy and things of that nature. Nobody would want a person like me. It hurts me because no matter how much pain i've been through, even if it makes me develop some good qualities, who cares? Nobody cares about that, I feel like, as i'm female, i'm just supposed to look pleasing. You know what I mean. Who cares what i'm like on the inside? I feel like modern day culture has ruined the avarage persons mind, and now I live in a world where I feel so completely different. Everybody wants a quick fix, they want everything right now, people cheat and have one night stands. Nobody cares about meaningful things, they just pretend to. It's all b*llsh*t and quick fixes. I've just become so disillusioned by life, I just don't care anymore, and I think everybody else seems foolish. I don't care about the latest popular video, I don't care about chart music and people in general bore me as they go on about these things, and i'm expected to act interested because i'm the weird one. I feel like a complete alien on this planet, and I hate it. I sometimes consider suicide because I just have no idea how i'm supposed to happily survive in a world like this. To me, it is a very logical idea. I just wasn't born to be in this world. I've seen the same old things over and over again on the news and things that I just don't care anymore, and instead have become apathetic, and i'm beginning to see people as things more and more because that's all I see with most people. That's all they portray themselves as. They don't have a mind, theyre just flesh. I have a problem with sleeping too much because when I dream, it's the only time I feel anything, and when i'm free from all this. For this reason I tend to be wary of drugs and alcohol because I know i'm the kind of person that, if something can get me out of this reality, i'll be out of here in a flash!
I should probably also note that I have had and "apparantly" still do have depression(though I think I just don't buy into the b*llsh*t i'm expected to, and people who dont think like me wont realise this). And I also am said to have Aspergers Syndrome. I don't take this diagnosis very seriously because everything seems to have a medical label nowadays and I don't think these "proffesionals" really understand a thing to be honest, because they've only read about it, not lived it, and they don't really care either. I'm currently on antidepressants. I didn't want to be, but i'd tried everything and it was a last resort. So now i'm left like this, not great, not terrible, occasionly feeling both, but mostly I feel empty and just do not care about life. It's worth noting I felt like this before the medication too, so it's not a side effect. I don't want to try other medications because I dont want to be on and off different medications all the time, having to deal with their side effects. Thanks to anyone who read all this. I know it was alot to read and I probably sound really whiny, but I never say this to anybody in my life because I don't think they'd understand and i'd feel more frustrated and alone. Hopefully someone reading this does.
If you think positive thoughts u attract positivity into your life. Think good thoughts. When you see negativity coming on...change your thoughts. If you feel good..you are feeling good.
I do understand. I understand so much. This is what I've come to figure; people like us, you and I, the ones who think differently and think for ourselves are the ones that will make it in the long run. We just have to hang in there.
All of this sounds so similar to where I was just a few years ago. I think what you're going through is an existential crisis. That feeling of "am I the only one awake?!" is usually a good sign. You are looking at the connections while your usual peer is looking at the pictures. They don't realize there are galaxies at each connection point and they just looked right past it again and again. But you see it.
Many, many people will think you're weird. A few may treat you as fragile and put you on a pedestal to keep your precious outlook untainted. And others may simply see you, acknowledge you, and and the next thing you know you're blown away by the fact the see and feel the way you do but it's unspoken between you two. People react differently. People see differently.
You, as a possible existential butterfly, are a prescious thing in this world. You can follow the path to self destruction or you can make the world better. Read the book Stargirl by Jerry Spenneli. I promise with all my heart, I believe it will help you.
Cheers, mate. Don't give up on the world just yet. It gets better some days and those are very much worth it.
Hey everyone, thanks so much for replying to my post. It's good to hear from a few people who feel a bit like how I do. Thanks for your kind words Khary19, I think you probably understood the most. But of course, thanks to everyone, to hear from others who are or have been in a similar boat is very much appreciated. I hope I didn't come across as arrogant or anything in my post, but it's hard to talk about these feelings honestly without it coming across that way, because to be honest, I really do find a lot of things stupid and shallow!
